Nothing worth having is easy or free.
After this past week I know I have a long struggle ahead. Not with transitioning, though doing so won’t be easy, not with adjusting to a life which is closer to the same normal other people experience.
No, this struggle is within. It is against decades of accepted behavior. Against thoughts, emotions, and a way of thinking which has done me an untold amount of harm over a lifetime.
It is something which I was taught as a child, often in ways I did not even realize, with a look, a frown, even a sigh.It was taught at school, at church, and at home.
It was the lesson I was worthless.
The lesson I didn’t deserve happiness.
It was the lesson I was only good for one thing and was to sacrifice myself for those who felt I owned them a debt.
The debt of life.
Of being born.
Of being fed, clothed, provided with shelter, being educated.
The debt of all the years my very presence robbed others of their happiness and freedoms. Of demanding by my very existence they take responsibility not only for themselves but for me.
… How many times have I discussed this issue since I began this blog? I’m not sure, but more than once.
I have struggled with it since I was a child. For as long as I can remember it has been there, and insidious whisper at the back of my thoughts. It is a thief, a mugger, a robber in the night. It has stolen so much from me and it continues today as strongly has it ever has.
Now I am at a place where I find happiness and feeling at ease with myself is within my grasp. All I need do is reach out and take it, yet my arm grows weary with the weight of fear and doubt. This is why I have had such a difficult time these last few days. Why I have written the things I have, had the emotions, doubts, and fears which have threatened to overwhelm me.
I have had to stop and gather the strength to scream against this darkness;
It is wrong. Has always been wrong. It was never mine to claim, it was placed in my hands by others. Yet I took it up, like a undeniable responsibility. A weight I couldn’t release no matter how much I wanted to do so.
Now I find I have to drop it behind me. To walk away and not look back. To speak to myself saying,
I Am Worthy.
I Am Deserving.
I Am Good Enough.
Every single day this is my mantra.
This is my prayer.
It is my promise.
It is my defiance.
It is my scream in the face of darkness.
I Always Have Been.
I Always Will Be.