Change comes…

Not so long ago I the thought of coming out at work was more than I could contemplate. There was so much in the way no matter where I looked. Still, I managed to come out so several of my co-workers and even made a veiled comment or two to my foreman. Still, every time I thought of speaking to more people never mind going to work full out, it felt like I swollowed an iceberg.

Several times I have gone in wearing my ‘enhancements’ and no one even noticed. I didn’t wear a wig, though I thought about it, just a hat as has been my habit for a number of years. In fact, this is part of what started causing me problems away from work and why I have finally taken the steps I need to be out 99.99%… okay, I only say this because during the week the idea of putting any work into presenting properly seems like more aggravation than it’s worth, (even though I know better).

As time has passed and especially this past week, going in and having to hear the wrong name and pronouns has been getting more and more difficult to gloss over and I have had to bite my tongue more than once when all I wanted to do was tell everyone who I really am. Yesterday was the worst, there are two male coworkers who I think wouldn’t care one way or the other and so I have wanted to say something… anything if I could just find the right moment, which never seems to come and so I have been able to talk myself into remaining silent but doing so is feeling as if I am trapped in a skin two sizes too small… I just want to break out and be myself and to hell with anyone who doesn’t like it… And yes, I think there are a few people who would have issues, but you know what? 

I. Don’t. Care. About. Any. Of. Them.

These aren’t people I would even have a beer with.

I spend no more than eight hours around them and otherwise they have no relevance to my life. 

I guess the real issue here is my worry over losing my job or it becoming so hostile as to make working there impossible. I know I cannot be fired just for being Trans, but let’s be honest here, if someone wants to get rid of you they will find a way.

One of the coworkers who knows worries about my becoming the butt of jokes and gossip… she doesn’t want to see me hurt, but she cannot understand trying to stay the same is more painful than any wannabe redneck making jokes behind my back.

I know I am most venting here, this is something which is becoming more of an issue with each passing day, but I remember a very important lesson…

“Change comes when the pain of remaining the same overcomes the fear of change.”

This Past Week Has Been A Strange Experience

 My heart and mind are quiet. There is no doubt, no questions, no fear.

 It has made it difficult to be creative, my poetry feels forced and writing has come to a halt. I’m not complaining, I think they will come back in time, I understand much of what has driven me all these years has been the constant chaos in my mind, the fear, the doubts, and all the unanswered questions which fueled my depression which in turn fed the fires of creativity. I now have to find a new place to draw from, a place other than the darker regions of myself.

 I have had other times like this, yet there is something different this time. It feels deeper, something which reaches far beyond what I see on the surface… it’s difficult to explain. I guess I could say it feels more ‘real’ than anything. 

 Many times I have said to myself and others, I am much the same person I have always been, just more open and honest… Yet this isn’t true. Not anymore. I’ve changed in ways I don’t understand yet. I look back and it seems all those memories, no matter how intimate, happened to someone else. A person I have known but who isn’t me… there is a feeling of distance, if such a thing makes sense. 

 I feel as if I really am at a point of transition. Of heart, mind and spirit.

 It’s freeing and terrifying all at the same time.