Creativity

 

Over the years I have had many interests and hobbies but two things which have been a part of my life since I was young has been poetry and reading. The local library was a refuge and I took full advantage every chance I got. I was reading at an adult level by the time I was eleven which opened up an entire universe of knowledge and imagination.

My first love was Edgar Allen Poe. I read his collected works and of course watched the Saturday movies. “The Raven” along with “The Pit and the Pendulum” have been long time favorites. Later I would discover Robert Frost, Dylan Thomas, and Maya Angelou. 

The first book I bought with my own money was “The Shadow Spy” by Nicholas Luard. It wasn’t a epic work worthy of being listed next to J.R.R. Tolkien or Ernest Hemingway, but I embraced it none the less. In fact, I went back years later and found a copy which I read again cover to cover… I still own it today. Since then I have read thousands of books, science fiction, fantasy, mystery, crime and medical thrillers. 

One of the difficult things for me after coming out has been my lack of interest in these things. I found it difficult to get into any books, even many of my long time favorite series simply couldn’t hold my interest. I don’t know if this was related to my own creative difficulty, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it were. The reason I wanted to talk about this now is because, at long last, I have found these interests returning. I have been returning to reading book reviews and looking to see what new releases are on the way. I am also spending time reading through a number of poetry sites trying to get back up to speed on what the current trends are.

These are small things, but they have lifted my spirits and I hope I can get my own creative engine going. 

Father’s Day

 

Today was Father’s Day… I’ll admit to having mixed feelings about this and Mother’s Day. For myself I don’t find them to something I am not comfortable celebrating, yet I know for my children they are important and so I let them make a big deal out of it.

In the past I really didn’t get into any of the holidays, not even Christmas. They were just a stressful time when I found myself surrounded by people I really didn’t like very much even if they were “family” and let’s be honest, my parents weren’t people to be celebrated…

The difficult part for me of course is my own mixed thoughts on being seen as “dad”… Of course I understand my part in the process, and from a biological sense this is the correct term to use, yet… I find it troubling in a way I really can’t define. It’s much the same as knowing I do not physically match what my mind knows is correct… Still many times I find my feelings on this to be ambiguous at best. 

I’m really not sure how I feel, so often it pains me to hear the word, to know I am referred to in this way, yet I also understand why it is this way. It’s kind of funny when I think back to before I got married, I swore I didn’t want children. I felt I was too screwed up given how I had been raised and I couldn’t see doing the same to another human being. Now of course, I couldn’t imagine my life without my kids, but there are still so many times I feel as if I’m not the right person for the job. Then add in all that has happened over the past year and a half and I feel as if I have done these kids a real dis-service. Surely they deserved better than having me as a parent… I know, a dose of self pity I’m sure, but I cannot help but to think of what the future holds for them.. for us, when they learn the truth about me.

 

Some Things On My Mind

This is something I’ve been trying to find the right way to write about, but I’m not sure my thoughts about this are clear enough to convey to you. If I’ve made things confusing, I apologize.

Several times J has commented on what she has seen during our sessions together. This first came up when I came fully presenting as myself, something I posted about at the time… Then she told me when I was presenting as male, she saw a man with more feminine qualities. When presenting as female, she saw me as a female with a few masculine qualities. She also told me during the session she simply forgot she was speaking with someone who was male and saw and interacted with me as female… A very pleasant thing to be told…

Also, during other sessions she has mentioned I am quite feminine. This has lead her to questions about my sexuality and to me explaining not only am I not attracted to men, but giving her a little bit of Trans 101 explaining we are just like the rest of the world’s population when it comes to being straight, gay, or bi. I think she has finally “gotten it”. Though this has brought up the (more than) few of the times in my life when I know people assumed I was gay… though that’s a story for another time.

During my last therapy session J again made an observation which I haven’t been able to get out of my head. She told me she finds my mannerisms and expressions to be very feminine and to her I seem very natural and more at ease than she has seen in others, notably the number of gay men she knows. She commented she is surprised at the differences she sees between us. I did point out we are not the same, after all, any gay man will proudly tell you he is male and I am anything but… Still, it is interesting to get this sort of feed back from an outside observer. Truthfully, I’ve never spent very much time around gay men, my LGBT friends have all been women and sadly I haven’t seen any of them in years. Another causality of isolating myself over the years… but the point is, I never really made a point of looking to see what, if any, differences existed and so it caught me off guard to hear someone speak of them.

Later, I brought this up with A who added another dimension to the discussion, which was from what she has learned, many gay men think of Transwomen as cowards… they think we are just gay men who are trying to find an easy out from being seen as homosexual… something which really doesn’t make any sense considering Trans people face more discrimination and being ostracized much more than the gay community… Also, for those like myself who are not interested in men… well then, were just liars, fakers, people who are and always will be nothing more than men no matter what we do or say.

I don’t know… hearing that stated so bluntly was like a kick to the stomach. It certainly explains much of what I have seen and heard. Without question this makes the future rather daunting. There is so much pressure from so many different sides, so much disinformation and misunderstanding. I know things are slowly getting better in many ways, yet they are still incredibly difficult in so many others…

Transgender People Can Now Change Their Social Security Record’s Gender Identity

 

From Thinkprogress:

Victory: Transgender People Can Now Change Their Social Security Record’s Gender Identity

 

From the article: 

“Today marks an important victory for the transgender community, even though it may appear to be a small paperwork technicality. The Social Security Administration (SSA) has announced that it is now much easier for trans people to change their gender identity on their Social Security records. All that will now be required, according to the National Center for Transgender Equality, is for individuals to submit government-issued documentation reflecting a gender change, or a certification from a physician confirming they have undergone appropriate clinical treatment for gender transition.”

Rambling Thoughts

Some days there is an energy just waiting to burst forth, this feeling of creativity which seems, if it were possible, it would set your skin aglow. Then there are days like today when summoning the energy to simply think seems to be too much… well, because you’ve done too much. Been up too many hours, done too many chores, dealt with too many non-emergancies which had to be dealt with -NOW! 

I’m surprised I am able to string this many words together at one time… maybe it’s a case of mentally rambling along in a pointless quest to find something interesting to say… or maybe not…

Anyway, I am having trouble keeping my eyes focused on the screen, and concentration is out the window, so all the interesting things I contemplated while doing those chores has completely slipped my mind and here I am, boring all of you with this drivel… 

I guess you could say this is what happens when an otherwise creative mind runs off the rails and the need to communicate just won’t stop for one day. 

I hope all of you have a more productive time of it, as for me, I’m going to grab a bite to eat and then try to get a little sleep before I have to go to work. 

Take care and have a good night.

 

Kira

I Am A Human Being Before Anything Else And That Should Be Enough.

I read a post today titled: “The Transgender Realm“. The point of this was to ask that we as Trans* people not be offended or defensive when cisgender people ask us questions. After all, people are naturally curious about things they don’t understand and so they will ask questions. 

I can understand the sentiment behind this thought and I agree we should at least try to answer some basic questions. What I don’t understand is why some people think this gives them the right to ask ever more invasive questions and to have them answered when, if it were them being asked, they would be offended.

I don’t have a problem with talking about how I see myself or what feelings I have, but I don’t think you need to know if I am on hormones or have had / are going to have, any surgery. A simple rule of thumb, stop and think for a moment about if you would be offended if someone asked you the question your about to ask me. If the answer is “yes” or “maybe”, then don’t ask or else don’t be surprised if I am.

Now, since we are speaking of questions, I have something I would like to know…

Why is it any cisgendered person or straight person feels they have a right to demand to know why I am the way I am? Do I ask you why you are the way you are? Should I feel free to make assumptions about you, what you wear, who you sleep with? 

This argument of it being my or anyone else’s responsibility to help you understand who and what we are doesn’t wash. It isn’t my responsibility to provide your education, it is yours to take the time and make an effort to learn for yourself just as we have done. 

And one last thing…

My desire to enjoy the same rights and privileges as everyone else shouldn’t depend on my willingness to be a poster girl for Trans people or the LGBT community. 

I am a human being before anything else and that should be enough.

Coming Into Myself

Today has been… well, I suppose “interesting” might be a fitting description, as in the Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times.”  I have been concerned by the fact I haven’t been able to really reconnect with the storyline for my manuscript. I won’t call it a book or novel because you need more than I have written to qualify for such a lofty title…

I have managed to piece together several parts of the story, but I realize I haven’t been able to wrap myself in the main character. I just can’t get in her head as I did before and as long as I can’t do that, I can’t write from her point of view nor grasp her motivation. In an effort to overcome this I have done a regression of sorts. Mentally at least. I have let myself sink back into the thoughts, emotions, and dreams which have been with me since childhood… This had brought with it a flood of things which has been difficult to sort through. There was so much I had pushed into the hidden places in my mind which has been slowly leaking into my thoughts…

I know I, as so many others, have spent time piecing together my past in an effort to trace my footsteps from where I am now to where it might of began… A foolish undertaking really. In the end it doesn’t matter how I reached this point, only that I am here. When I first began therapy I thought I needed to justify my thoughts and feelings for them to be believed. I wanted some concrete way to explain myself to J, to make her understand this wasn’t some delusion on my part. Now I understand it doesn’t matter what she or anyone else thinks about me. I am who I am regardless. I have been this my entire life despite what I tried to convince myself of or what anyone else has sought to impose upon me.

Finally understand this has had an interesting effect. By freeing myself from the need to find “proof” of who I am, by embracing the simple truth I am “me”, I have unlocked even more memories. I have been able to enfold myself not in a persona, but in the raw emotions which flow from my past to the present in a way I never imagined was possible. Now it is all woven together in an endless braid of experiences. 

I spoke to A about this, about how it feels as if I have relaxed into a comfortable, over stuffed chair. For the first time I really feel like myself as if I have come home… Am I making any sense here? It’s so hard to put this into words in away which conveys the totality of what I am feeling… 

I just know, right now I feel as completely myself as I ever have and you know, it’s feels pretty good.