This has proven to be a difficult post to write. I’m not even sure where to start… goodness knows I rewritten this too many times already and I’m not including all of the starts and stops which remained in my head. Even now I am fighting the urge to begin gain. Editing gone mad.
I recently saw a writing prompt which was to sit down and write for ten minutes. No stopping, no editing, just write. I suppose I need to do something similar here. To simply begin putting words on the page and let the chips fall where they may.
So often we speak of strength. The strength we think we see in others. The strength to do what should be, can be, must be done. Looking from a distance we marvel at what they accomplish, but if we take a moment and look closer we would see the fear, uncertainty, the doubt.
More than once someone has described me as brave, courageous, strong… I wish it was true. I’m just one person trying to survive any way I can, and honestly there are times like now when I find the strength to fight even one more moment. Times when it hurts too much to wake up, to think, to breathe.
Last week I did something I’m not proud of, I went to Costco and priced single dose sleeping pills… $7 for 192. I can take you right now and show you where they are if your interested.
No, I didn’t buy them, but I wanted to. God I wanted to so much.
I wasn’t going to say anything to A about this, I thought it would just make her mad, but as so often happens I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and I told her anyway. She told me it was doubtful they would kill me… maybe mess up my kidneys or liver, but odds are I would survive…
You know how this made me feel? Like I was stupid, a fool… that if modern day pills wouldn’t have done what I hoped for then odds are it was the same all those years ago when I did, in fact, take as many pills as I could get my hands on… When I made my “deal” with God… a deal He knew was pointless since I wasn’t going to die regardless… So I find myself wondering just why am I still here? I had told myself God must have something in mind to keep me around and now I know He just couldn’t be bothered with a fool like me…
What started this train wreck was seeing myself at a standstill. It doesn’t matter that I understand the why of it. It doesn’t matter I made the decision to wait until after the holidays to begin the next steps. All I could think of is “what if this is as far as I go?” What if there is nothing more to be done physically?
Putting on an outfit, with padding made of foam and silicone… To wear a wig. These things leave me feeling like a fake. Like a crossdresser with delusions of grander. I’m just exchanging one costume for another… one lie for another.
This body has become a weight I would give anything to shed… to simply leave it behind and let my spirit move on the whatever comes next, even if it’s Hell.
Of course, I also have a deep seated belief the world in general and the people around me specifically, would be better off if I were not in it. That I useless and a burden…. Not worthy of the very air I breath.
Yes, I spoke to Jodi about all of this today and I’m not sure just what she thinks.
She did say we need to get to the bottom these feelings. She also suggested, not for the first time, I should look into becoming an advocate in some form or other as a way to give myself a sense of purpose outside of my own transition. Easier said than done around here. There isn’t a support structure, and to be honest I don’t think anyone even cares.
“The Justice Department is broadening a civil rights law to include protections for transgender workers, a reversal from how the Bush administration interpreted the measure.
Attorney General Eric Holder said the law, Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, will now ensure that workers who sue over discrimination in the workplace will get fair and consistent treatment.
‘This important shift will ensure that the protections of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 are extended to those who suffer discrimination based on gender identity, including transgender status,’ he said in a statement. ‘This will help to foster fair and consistent treatment for all claimants. And it reaffirms the Justice Department’s commitment to protecting the civil rights of all Americans.'”
This form is used to to collect nominees for the 2015 United States Trans 100 List. Past lists are available on The Trans 100 website at http://thetrans100.com/download/. For more information on the nomination and selection process, visit http://thetrans100.com/about/.
Nominations are open until Friday, January 16, 2015.
The key question to ask is this: What is this nominee doing to make life better for the trans community?
All nominees must:
- Self-identify as trans.
- Be actively working to improve the lives of trans people.
- Live in the United States.
- Not have previously appeared on The Trans 100.
We particularly encourage the nomination of individuals who:
- Are doing work that is unsung and/or unseen.
- Are working in areas of multiple intersections of power and privilege.
- Live outside of major population centers (New York, Los Angeles, etc).
The Trans 100 places special consideration on those working in the areas of ostracism elimination, stigma reduction, poverty reduction, furthering the social and economic development of the trans community, and building infrastructure within the trans community.
Nominees can be working at any scale, locally, regionally, or nationally.
Additional Notes:- Voting is anonymous.- The list will not be ranked, and the tally will not be publicized.- Nominees will be contacted by the editors for permission before the list is published.
If you have any questions or concerns about this form or the nomination process please email 2015 Trans 100 Co-Director Rebecca Kling at email@example.com
Thank you for participating, and please share this widely!
“People who identify as transgender or transsexual are usually people who are born with typical male or female anatomies but feel as though they’ve been born into the ‘wrong body.’ For example, a person who identifies as transgender or transsexual may have typical female anatomy but feel like a male and seek to become male by taking hormones or electing to have sex reassignment surgeries.
People who have intersex conditions have anatomy that is not considered typically male or female. Most people with intersex conditions come to medical attention because doctors or parents notice something unusual about their bodies. In contrast, people who are transgendered have an internal experience of gender identity that is different from most people.
Many people confuse transgender and transsexual people with people with intersex conditions because they see two groups of people who would like to choose their own gender identity and sometimes those choices require hormonal treatments and/or surgery. These are similarities. It’s also true, albeit rare, that some people who have intersex conditions also decide to change genders at some point in their life, so some people with intersex conditions might also identify themselves as transgender or transsexual.”
It’s been over a week since the release of your new single, “Mister Sister,” and the publication of my open letter to you regarding the disappointment and pain that it caused me, a longtime fan, and many in the trans community. What initially began as a few sparks flying about your single has officially turned into a conflagration.
In your response to the criticism, you claimed that dialogue is important. Yet over the past several days, many comments posted to your Facebook page that have been critical of the message in your song (and nonthreatening, despite claims to the contrary) have been quickly and summarily removed. Moreover, how can I or anyone else who shares my concerns find meaning in dialogue when you didn’t respond specifically to any of the issues I raised, such as the inclusion of a documented transmisogynist in your video? What does dialogue actually mean to you, and how do we achieve it? Because we’re clearly not there now.