(Jennifer Lawrence as Kira)
I might be making a huge mistake, but I feel it is time to face some of my demons. In this case it is the story I began back in November of 2011 for the NaNoWriMo writing challenge. I have tried several times now to work on this manuscript but found it so emotionally charged that it was impassible to do more than read a short section before I broke down. Now, more than a year later I believe I have to face this, to take control of those memories and emotions.
For those who might not know the story behind the story, I began writing this at a time when I was under a great deal of stress, both emotional and psychological. I was well into the downward spiral which would lead to a near breakdown and ended with my coming out to A. I have spoken about this in past posts, but I should mention it again; when I first thought of writing this, I decided I was going to use it as a way to get out all the things which seemed to be turning my mind inside out. All of hopes and fears, all of the thoughts and emotions, everything. When I began the process of creating the main character I knew several things, one was it was going to be female. The other was she was going to be a shapeshifter or something similar. I also knew she was going to represent myself in this fictional tale. I needed her to be a metaphorical representation of myself, to be the conduit for all those things I couldn’t express. As the story unfolded in my mind, I poured everything into her, every bit of who I was at that moment.
I know this is a rather dry way of explaining what happened. I don’t know if I can even begin to explain what happened to me as I began to write without it ending in tears… even after so much time has passed, it is that emotional, that personal.
Again, I have talked about this an a past post but I’ll mention it again. Before I ever wrote one word I had an image of her in my mind, taken from a dream which inspired the story. What I didn’t have was a name. I did a lot of thinking and a lot of searching before a name popped into my head. Kira. I didn’t know if it was a real name or not and so I started searching baby name sites and sure enough I found it. I found it had numerous meanings and they fit with my vision of the character. (Just a side note; in going back and looking at one of the sites I found mention of the fact there was a character on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine named Kyra which though I didn’t really watch that show might have been where I first happened upon the name.)
After I came out and during those first chaotic days I knew I needed a name which reflected my new reality. My male name had never felt right and it certainly didn’t fit me now. The first name I thought of was Kira, though I resisted choosing it because I felt it didn’t belong to me, it belonged to “her”, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized there wasn’t another name. I was Kira, period. Even A had told me this from the start.
So with this in mind, I will direct you to the next post which is the beginning of my manuscript which has the working title of “Kira: Unbound”.