There are many ups and downs in life. Of course you know this, it’s just a part of being alive, of being a part of a life, you life, the lives of those around you. It’s easy to think the things in our lives are are larger and more impossible to overcome than the things other’s have to deal with, to let them in truth become too big to overcome because we are face to face with them. Yet when given the proper persecutive we can find they can be, if not totally overcome, then managed.
This is a lesson I have to learn time and again, each time I face a down time, each time I find myself thinking I cannot keep going, every time I feel the weight of living this life to be too much.
Some times this is something which can pass quickly, other times not. A brief flash which turns my stomach to ice before I can grasp it, and then there are the times when it takes everything I have to finally shake free. This was the case over the past several weeks. I felt as if I had not only run into a wall but that it had fallen on me. I felt as if I was slowly being crushed by living with two personalities, one for the world and one in my heart. For a world which sees only what it expects while the truth remains hidden behind that expectation. Each day that passed, each time I was addressed by my male name, each time I was refereed to by a male pronoun, felt like another boulder being added to the pile. I felt as if I would vanish, never having been allowed to truly exist.
I reached the point where i could no longer see the point of trying to be who I knew in my heart I am. The world was too big, too persistent on making me into what it thought I should be. I couldn’t see a point at which I would ever be myself anywhere but here and in my head, and that was not the way I wanted to live. It got to the point this past week when I had begun to feel it would be simpler, not better, but simpler, for everyone if I just gave up. If I surrendered and said the world was right and I was wrong and just did what I could to live as fully male again.
By yesterday I realized I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t deny who I am. I couldn’t shut off my thoughts and emotions. I know this is going to be painfully obvious to those reading this, but I can’t just flip a switch and suddenly be able to have my thoughts and emotions match up with this body I inhabit. I can’t suddenly become cis gendered no matter how much I might wish it to be so. And yes, there are times I wish I could. I may admit all the things I have gone through, good and bad have made me who I am today, but I cannot say I don’t have regrets. There are things I would change if I could, but of course I can’t. What I cannot do and what I won’t do is sit in the middle of a pointless pity party letting life go by while I shed tears over what might have been.
This life is meant to be lived, no matter how difficult it may be.