Okay, first an update: I sent my rough draft of “Kira: Unbound” to a friend to read. I am waiting to hear back from him before I decide if I’m going to update my original posts or write new ones. Sorry for the delay.
Now to what I wanted to talk about. I am often thinking, dreaming, fantasying, daydreaming about different things. Little story blobs or plot lines or scenes. Some are nothing more than mist, here then gone, but others stick in my mind for days, weeks, or even years. Some of them I have allowed to slowly develop and others just sort of sit there and don’t advance beyond my original thoughts. I’ll share some examples of two of the longer lasting ones.
First is what it should be like to move to another place, some town or city with a vibrant art community. This came from watching one of those shows which follows a couple looking to buy their first place and in one episode it was mentioned an apartment they were looking at was located in a suburb which was considered the “artsy part of town.” So my imagination took this and ran. I have thought about the apartment I would want, where it would be located, how I would furnish it, even who my neighbors might be.
I would love a place you see located over a business on the towns main street. If it was over a little cafe of coffee shop would be perfect. I would prefer a one bedroom, though two would work as it would give me a guest room. I might not know all of my neighbors, but I would meet either an open minded single woman or lesbian couple who would introduce me to the local LGBT community. From there it would just be a matter of time before I met people I could socialize with, and make new friends. Most of the time I think about this, it is more about how I want to furnish the apartment, and being able to have people over for a “girls night in”. I know this is silly, but it does make me feel sort of warm and fuzzy thinking of having friends who know about who I am and accepting me without reservation.
The second is a bit more out there and maybe I will find a way of working into my current story or maybe as a stand alone story line…
This came from a conversation I had with someone about a little girl who had cancer. It isn’t a sad story because, thanks to an experimental treatment, she is now cancer free. The main point of this conversation was how doctors used a modified version of the AIDS virus to “infect” her and attack the cancer cells. As I said, she is now cancer free and all traces of the virus are gone.
This lead me to another line of thought. Since a virus can infect a cell and take it over to create little virus factories, why couldn’t they be used to take over cells and rewrite the gender information? To turn XX to XY or vice versa? From there it was just a matter of putting together a character sketch and then turning “him” to “her”. I haven’t really gotten very far with this one, just a few scenes in the clinic and private room, but I think this one has legs as they say.
This talk of my over active imagination brings this up; I have been wondering what would happen if I were to go to my next therapy session as female? My therapist has only seen two pictures of me, nothing more. All of my sessions have been with me presenting as male. This has come to mind several times but it has been over the past week or so that I can’t seem to get it out of my thoughts. I will mention I have to drive some distance to get to her office, but I doubt anyone would look at me more than once. No, it’s at the office that I start getting nervous. I am her last appoint of the day and when I leave the office is empty, but when I first arrive, there are other people there, often several children waiting with their father for someone to finish an appointment as well as at least one other therapist. I usually have to wait ten to fifteen minutes before my own appointment, I always try to be a little early… Most of the time they seem to ignore me, but then again I try not to look at them too much either. Still, it makes my stomach do flip flops thinking about it.
Doing this is a concern because the entire time I have been in therapy, talking about the fact I am one thing while looking like another, makes me feel as if I’m not believable. That anyone listening to me thinks I’m more than a tad off as it were. I feel if they could see the real me, they would understand and be more accepting of the truth I have only expressed in words. I don’t know if it would make any difference at all or if this is just in my head. I just can’t help feeling I would be so much more comfortable talking about things if I could just be myself.