I did it, I went to my therapy session 100% as myself …
I got up this morning and began to prepare, shower, shave, clothes, makeup, hair. As each thing was completed, as each task was checked off my list I had a flutter of nervous energy. Each time I thought to myself, “ I am myself,” and took a breath and relaxed. Before I realized, it was almost time to leave.
I thought things were going a little too well which was proven by a small glitch… my neighbor and a friend were out working in the driveway. I didn’t know how he might react and I was more than a little nervous thinking I was going to have to go to my vehicle which was parked next to where he was standing. As it turned out it wasn’t an issue because just as it was coming to the time I had to leave, he and the friend left. One bullet dodged. Al week I felt my biggest hurdle was getting out of my neighborhood. There are some real A holes living around here and I can just imagine the crap they would stir up. Thankfully, no one was really out and about so I quickly found myself on the road. Having an almost half hour commute to the therapist office proved to be rather helpful, I quickly realized I was surrounded by people who couldn’t have cared less about me, it helped to put things into perspective. I was just another woman out on her way to somewhere just like countless others. I was able to settle in and enjoy the sunshine and unseasonably warm weather.
Arriving at the office turned out to be anticlimactic as my therapist was the only person there, an earlier appointment had cancelled. I have to give her credit though, she didn’t bat an eye when she first saw me and simply complimented me on my outfit. Otherwise it was a pretty straight forward session, her only question was how I was feeling with being out, which I told it I was actually quite comfortable, that no matter how I happen to look, male or female, I am still myself… I just have to remind myself of that from time to time.
There was small thing which threw me for a moment though, and it is something I am sure many have had to face at some point, which was using the restroom. Just outside the suite of offices were the typical Mens / Women’s bathrooms and just as I went to cross the hall I heard a door open and someone walking. I’ll admit I panicked for a moment and returned to the office. It took a little talking to get my nerve back and I returned and used the facility, which had two stalls… and yes, I pretty much held my breath and prayed no one came in, which they didn’t. I was amazed how much this messed with my head. After all, I was presenting as female, so why should I feel this way about using the women’s restroom?
The therapy groups office is part of a larger suite of offices used by a bunch of different companies and is kind of spread out. There are number of hallways and though it was the weekend, I knew there was at least one other person in the building. My therapist convinced me to walk around the whole place with her, which was fun because we just walked and commented on the different companies we found. We didn’t run into anyone else but we did find another set of regular restroom and one gender neutral restroom which she didn’t was there.
I did tell her I was going to be posting about today and would be including pictures. She told me she thought I looked fine and that I seemed natural and relaxed, something I was very thankful for even she was just being kind. I didn’t make a point of getting out into more public places mostly because I was alone and I think the first time I go someplace where I will have to interact with a number of people I will want to have someone with me.
I do have one more thing to talk about, though it maybe the most difficult.
While getting ready, two of the boys were home, my oldest had left to be with his friends and I was glad for that, but my middle and youngest were there. It was obvious the youngest didn’t understand what was going on nor did he care. But my middle son was another matter altogether. It was clear he was very uncomfortable seeing me and refused to even look at me. A remarked on how much seeing me was bothering him and I agreed. I know this is going to take time. I know I have to take it slow, one small step at a time… but no matter what I know, it still hurts like hell.