I am writing this not because I wish to but that I must. I know, when I am finished and this is posted, I will regret having done so, but it can join the host of greater regrets which weigh upon my heart.
I have been through much since I first began this blog. More than I could have imagined. Yet I know there are many women who have gone through the same and much worse, yet they have done what I know I cannot. They pushed through their darkest moments and reached for their dreams. Refusing to back down no matter how great the cost.
I have been told I am strong, brave, courageous. I am none of those things. I am a coward. Afraid to risk everything to be true to myself. If you want to look up to someone, look up to them, not me. I don’t deserve it.
As time has passed and this road has carried me further along, I began to fear where I would find myself.
That first night A asked me if I needed to be a “real” woman. I knew she meant going through surgery, I told her no and that is still true at this moment, but I also thought I would never want to go even part time outside of our home. I couldn’t imagine going out that door as a woman. Now I have been out and the desire to do so is growing. Not for holidays or special events, but every day. I know now what it means to be my true self, to be seen and accepted as the person I have always been and anything less is becoming more than I can stand.
I think I knew, deep in my heart, I would find myself at this point, facing this decision. To either except this truth about myself or to turn back and except what I know will be a pain filled, difficult life, but one with which I am familiar. This isn’t about self sacrifice. This is the cowards way.
They say the first time you give up is the hardest, it gets easier after that. It’s true. At one point or another I have given up on hopes, dreams, desires… everything, even life.
This is just one more.
I don’t know if I am going to continue to post or not. After this I doubt any one is going to care what I have to say and I can’t blame anyone for leaving. I really don’t know what I could ever say again that might matter…
Oh, Kira. Hugs… I know it’s scary, and I know you may need to take a step back right now and think and gather yourself, but I believe that you’ll continue on your journey after you rest for a little while. Stopping here isn’t cowardice, it’s caution – remember, courage isn’t lack of fear (that would be stupidity), courage is being afraid and going ahead anyway. Right now the fear’s a bit too much, so you’re pausing, but I don’t see you turning around and running away either.
Hugs. You can get through this. If you need to take a break, that’s okay, but I know that when you come back to it I’m going to be right here and I bet there are others who will be, too. You can do it, Kira – the pace is all yours, you don’t have to hurry for anyone or slow down for anyone, you’re the only one who can decide.
Thank you, Robi.
You write yourself off way too quickly, Kira. I get why you are – you’re considering backing out. Of everything. I get that. However, this is YOUR blog. Yah you’ve gained readership, but this is still your place to express your triumphs, fears, doubts, and, ultimately, you.
Let me tell you, I’m certain my flip-floppiness of my own truths kicking me around and chronic, unreliable post consistency is why I can’t keep readers/commentators. I’ve had my blog for almost a decade & as much as I’d like to be “known”, I write for no one but me. My memoirs is my journey as much as this “closet” is as much your own.
Anyway, I understand your fears and desire to be out in the world as yourself. Oh goodness have I struggled with that, knowing that to do so would require a great deal of sacrifice. You have gone further in life than I, and your torment is so much more poignant that I am unsuited to give any semblance of true advice beyond empathy.
Disregarding gender identity, we are all cowards one way or another. Some find their way through it in the present. Others accept it in the present, then try to overcome it later. And some carry it forever.
Whatever happens, Kira, you are always worthy and welcome in your own domain. To share who it is YOU are and what you will become, regardless of how anyone perceives you or this blog.
::hugs::
Ren’Ai
All I can say is “Thank you”, Ren.
From the little chivalric literature I have read, it is the hero who denies themselves the path they desire. The film Casablanca also comes to mind.
You know, I have never watched Casablanca. I don’t know why, it’s a classic and I like Bogart.
You’re pretty brave for a coward. Why totally retreat? Even if there is no apparent foothold going ahead, why not just stand ground? You do put a lot of pressure on yourself.
Resa,
I have stood ground for months now. Ever since Halloween. As time as gone by I have become more and more uncomfortable continuing to be seen as male. I am back to not being able to look at my reflection and knowing I will be addressed as male grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard.
Going to my therapy session in femme was a mistake, it reenforced my feelings and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about going full time. The problem is, I simply cannot go full time without destroying, not just my life, but the lives of my loved ones as well.
I can’t do that. It isn’t my right and they deserve better.
I’ve always seen you are foremost a decent person and wonderful person.
I know that won’t change, no matter what path you take.
Thank you for having faith in me.
Oh Kira, I wish ‘we’ your followers could do or say something that would help you. Only you can decide what’s best for you. But I will have hope in my heart that one day you are able to be full time and be who you really are. No matter what you think, you are brave, every tiny step down this road is so so difficult, one I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you. So please don’t beat yourself up. It’s a brave decision to sacrifice your own happiness. It won’t be easy, I will hope that you find it in your heart to blog occasionally, and one day you have the chance to be who you are xxx
Sasha,
I will try to do personal posts, I just can’t promise anything. I will try to reblog when I can. I thought about shuttering this, but I just can’t do that, not at this point. It may not be every day, but I will do what I can.
((Hugs)) It’s all I can offer from this distance. I hope you clear your head a little more. I also hope you stick around, but that might be for me as much as for you.
It looks like I will be here for a while longer… Too many people I care about.
Do what you feel is best. This is what you feel now & that’s ok. You might change your mind & that’s ok too. Only you know yourself best & what’s at stake depending on the path that you take. Rootin’ for you no matter what.
{Hugs}
I have a new post already written; as I have found out, things have changed in ways I hadn’t understood until I faced this crisis of the spirit. I know this seems sudden, maybe even fickle, but the truth is, after some soul searching, I see things differently. Funny how, just a few days ago I couldn’t have imagined being able to talk about this, never mind being able to do so in this way. I thought, maybe at some future point, weeks or months from now, I would feel able to come back, yet here I am.
xoxo