Sitting here alone in a quite house it has finally hit me just how stressful this past year has been, emotionally, mentally, and physically, Admitting this explains a lot of what I have been feeling, especially these past few weeks. What drove this home for me was watching the movie “She’s The Boy I knew.” I have had it recorded for months now but just couldn’t bring myself to watch it. I didn’t really understand my reluctance until now. I feared seeing myself, of hearing my own voice… I was right in many ways. Gwen’s story brought chills, it brought tears, and it brought so much of my own past rushing back. In her narration I heard so much which I understood all too well. I am older than Gwen and I managed to hide from myself for a much longer time then she did, yet I see myself in her. I don’t know if I will one day need to go as far in transition has she did, but I can understand why she made the choices she did.
While her narration seemed to speak directly to my heart, I wanted to rewind over and over again just to listen to what I was hearing, I had a very difficult time with the interviews of her family, especially her ex-wife. I heard too clearly the pain they felt, the same pain I know I have inflicted on A. Just thinking about it, I want to be sick. I know I can never take this away, never make it better and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.
Having watched this movie, having connected with its message so deeply. seeing so much of myself there on the screen, I know I can never again hide the truth of who I am from myself. One may think I have known this for awhile now, but I guess I kept hoping something would change. That I kept the possibility someone would tell me I had it all wrong, that I was just confused, just misunderstanding my feelings alive somewhere in the back of my mind….
Hope, fear, terror…. These things and so much more. Wanting so much to be wrong but knowing I was right. I have an understanding now I wish I never had, but I do. It has made me the person I am today and I cannot deny it.
I don’t know where I am going from here. Who I will see in the mirror when this journey is over and I begin another. Then again, who does really?
Hugs!
I needed that, Thank you.
Hello sweet GIRL ~ I want for you to love yourself~ no guilt need to felt for being authentic & true to yourself~ At some point what life has dealt your loved ones, is on them~ They ask for it and it is their lesson to learn. You may not believe this, as a matter , I am certain you do not but I care for you and I am just going to go ahead and be honest.
This bit:
” I heard too clearly the pain they felt, the same pain I know I have inflicted on A. Just thinking about it, I want to be sick. I know I can never take this away, never make it better and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.”
You know what there is just more important thing in life than peoples ego’s, Sure she may be hurt and I understand but learn from it, grow from it and move on. I pray that you allow yourself at some time in the future to be you, Do not think you need to carry some blame that you were born a man, yet are a woman. In my belief you chose it before incarnating. You have told me, if I am not mistaken, that you do not believe in reincarnation and I will respect that but I am speaking from my beliefs.
Regardless of reincarnation I do not think being a victim to any circumstance or situation empowers us in any way. I like being self sovereign.
No matter what you decide to do in your life Kira, I will always care about you as Kira.
Much love,
Sindy
Sindy,
I think, for me, the feelings of guilt are as much a result of my upbringing as the feelings of being damaged goods. I’m not saying I should feel this way, nor am I saying I’m right in doing so. In fact, this is one of the things I am working on through therapy.
I may always feel these things to one degree or another for the rest of my life, but I can’t let them hold me forever. I will fight to live my life regardless. This is something I understand in my mind now and I am trying to learn them in my heart. It will take time, but it will happen.
You have my support & love~
Sindy
Thank you.
?
What would you like to know?
Remember that while you can identify with others’ journeys, your path is the only one you can take. Your life may end up very differently–and you might be very pleased with the results. Who knows at this point. I’m also glad to see that you know after this journey is over, there’s going to be another. Keep moving.
Thank you
((Hugs))