Sitting here alone in a quite house it has finally hit me just how stressful this past year has been, emotionally, mentally, and physically, Admitting this explains a lot of what I have been feeling, especially these past few weeks. What drove this home for me was watching the movie “She’s The Boy I knew.” I have had it recorded for months now but just couldn’t bring myself to watch it. I didn’t really understand my reluctance until now. I feared seeing myself, of hearing my own voice… I was right in many ways. Gwen’s story brought chills, it brought tears, and it brought so much of my own past rushing back. In her narration I heard so much which I understood all too well. I am older than Gwen and I managed to hide from myself for a much longer time then she did, yet I see myself in her. I don’t know if I will one day need to go as far in transition has she did, but I can understand why she made the choices she did.
While her narration seemed to speak directly to my heart, I wanted to rewind over and over again just to listen to what I was hearing, I had a very difficult time with the interviews of her family, especially her ex-wife. I heard too clearly the pain they felt, the same pain I know I have inflicted on A. Just thinking about it, I want to be sick. I know I can never take this away, never make it better and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.
Having watched this movie, having connected with its message so deeply. seeing so much of myself there on the screen, I know I can never again hide the truth of who I am from myself. One may think I have known this for awhile now, but I guess I kept hoping something would change. That I kept the possibility someone would tell me I had it all wrong, that I was just confused, just misunderstanding my feelings alive somewhere in the back of my mind….
Hope, fear, terror…. These things and so much more. Wanting so much to be wrong but knowing I was right. I have an understanding now I wish I never had, but I do. It has made me the person I am today and I cannot deny it.
I don’t know where I am going from here. Who I will see in the mirror when this journey is over and I begin another. Then again, who does really?