Today has been a mixture of full speed and collapse. We spent the day out shopping, I had to buy a new laptop and then looked for bunk beds. I know, a funny combination. The thing was, I didn’t sleep very well last night and I guess that lead to me finding myself trying to catch a few winks whenever things slowed down. While it makes the day go quickly, it makes it almost impossible to get a post written.
Another thing was my therapy session was canceled, so it might be a another week or more before I can get in. Looking at it thought, I think having a little more time to catch my breath might not be a bad thing. The past two weeks have been kind of rough to put it mildly, but again, I think it was a good thing.
Being forced to do a little self examination has put some things into perspective. I have long had a habit of looking over my shoulder, to looking for those points where I could cut and run, to return to a place where I felt a certain level of comfort even when such places really weren’t good for me. In fact, it seemed as though I made a point of finding a mental state which caused the most harm. It is true I had reached a point where I was uncomfortable, where I was unhappy and I knew I needed to make a change, but for some reason I felt compelled to go beyond that. This is something I really need to understand about myself. What is it which seems drawn to these negative emotions, these views of myself which are filled with self hatred.
Interestingly, there is an upside to all of this. That is finding there is now I point beyond which I cannot reach, a level were I can no longer engage. In the past I was able to find one of these mental pits of doom and crawl in; I simply cannot do so any more. Although I have many of the memories, there is an emotional barrier. They may bring back feelings of sadness, but now they are mere echoes. I no longer have the ability to draw them about myself like a cloak, they are little more than a gauze, a film which breaks with the softest of touches. I said I am not the same as before and this is true. All of those things which happened, all of the thoughts and emotions, the scars and wounds seem to have happened in another life. I am left, not dealing with those things directly, but with the memories. I know I can move beyond them once I have to tools to do so. I just need to find those tools and learn to use them.