Groundhog Day

Yesterday I shopped for a new wig (though I didn’t buy one.)

It made me realize something I said jokingly to A was truer than I’m comfortable with… “I feel like I’m in “Groundhog Day” The movie starring Bill Murray. The summery says simply, “Weatherman find himself living the same day over and over again.” Yeah, I can relate.

… I don’t remember when I last made the decision to present as female. I know it has been over a month at the least. On one hand I just  don’t have the energy any more to try and present as something, someone I’m not sure I am, on the other being seen or referred to as male feels like a knife being twisted in my chest. I don’t know if it makes any sense or not… I do know what I see in my mind but it doesn’t match my physical reality and I feel as if I’m deluding myself… how can I ignore biology? 

More than once I have wondered if I’m not actually insane… after all, they say a crazy person doesn’t see themselves as crazy, it’s the rest of the world which is nuts…

What is funny about this, and mean funny is a sad way, not ha-ha funny, is how often I am still gendered as female. This without an ounce of effort on my part. No clothing, makeup, or hair… Just plain, little ‘ol me. I guess it says something this doesn’t bother me in the least while male pronouns make me almost physically ill and threatens to push me into a panic attack or sever depression.

Seriously, I’m at a loss.

I don’t know where to go from here, what to do or even what to think. 

Illinois Governor Signs Hate Crimes Law | Human Rights Campaign

Illinois Governor Signs Hate Crimes Law | Human Rights Campaign:

“Earlier this week, Illinois Gov. Bruce Rauner signed HB 3930, an enhanced hate crime protections law that explicitly includes crimes against transgender people. According to Equality Illinois, this was the first pro-LGBT bill to reach the governor’s desk.”

(Via. HRC)

‘I am Alena': life as a trans woman where survival means living as Christopher | US news | The Guardian

‘I am Alena': life as a trans woman where survival means living as Christopher | US news | The Guardian:

“At 8pm on Sunday, Alena Bradford will settle down like millions of other Americans in front of her TV set for the start of I Am Cait, the reality show following the gender transition of Olympic gold medalist Caitlyn Jenner. The eight-part series on the E! channel will tell a story, as Jenner puts it, ‘about getting to be who you really are’.

It promises to be a gripping viewing experience, given the controversial and deeply personal nature of its subject matter. But there will be few people across the country who will be watching quite as intensely as Alena.

If Jenner has become today’s figurehead for an elite gender transition, in her case from sporting male hero to female pin-up on the cover of Vanity Fair, Alena represents those who have been left behind. To her family and associates in her south Georgia town she is Christopher, an African American man with a round face, pronounced cheekbones and short black hair.”

(Via. The Guardian)

AP, Florida Media Call Transgender Homicide Victim A “Man Dressed As A Woman” | Blog | Media Matters for America

AP, Florida Media Call Transgender Homicide Victim A “Man Dressed As A Woman” | Blog | Media Matters for America:

“The Associated Press violated its own guidelines while reporting on the homicide of a transgender woman in Florida, joining several state-based news outlets in misgendering the victim and referring to her as a ‘man dressed as a woman.’ The incident is the latest in a trend of media mistreatment of transgender victims of violence.”

(Via. MediaMatters)


See also:

Transgender Woman Of Color Killed In Tampa, Florida

(Via. BuzzFeed)