Miles Yet To Travel

Today has been interesting… not necessarily in a good way, but interesting none the less. First I began my new medicine which is an antidepressant and anti-anxiety in a single pill. The antidepressant is half again as strong was my old one and if needed can be increased. Not sure about the anxiety med but I believe it is stronger as well. The interesting thing is I noticed when it began to take affect… or at least it seems I could, might be all in my head of course… but if this works as well as it seems I should be back on track soon.

Of course the mind and conditioning can over power the best medicine as I am all too aware. There have been and will be times when I am going to go through rough patches and probably some very dangerous times but I expect as much… 

Today was a rough patch despite all the things which went well. This is something I can place squarely on my upbringing. Years of being told through word and deed, I was a burden who was tolerated because the government made it so… “I’m letting you stay here as long as your in school because I could be arrested if I kicked you out.” (I heard this more than once.)

So today I was feeling down, (before the new meds), thinking How much I dislike my natural hair or having to wear a hat. This coupled with knowing I cannot yet afford to buy a new wig. Still, I couldn’t stay away and went to the wig shop anyway which was good because I found a different one which I like better for the same price. Yet the whole time all I could feel was I was being a burden, more trouble than I was worth,  selfish… narcissistic. 

It would be better if I just sat down, shut up and keep things to myself. Naturally I couldn’t do it, I talked and talked and just couldn’t shut up… it was like I was in love with my own voice and every thought which went through my head just had to be treated with this greatest of gifts….

Times like this, I make myself sick.

I guess I still have a long way to go on this journey of mine.

Had a doctors appointment today. It should have been a quick visit just to go over my annual blood tests… Of course nothing ever goes as planned.

Turns out someone didn’t do the correct tests and now I have to go through everything again; fasting, blood draw, then back in two weeks to follow up. (sigh)

On a more positive note, I discussed the issues I’ve been having with my current depression/anxiety meds and he agreed they need to be changed so I start a new treatment tomorrow and we will see if it works. Keeping my fingers crossed!

We also discussed what, if any, issues might arise when (if) I can begin HRT and at this point he couldn’t see anything to be concerned about. He still won’t treat me himself, but at least he is willing to continue to work with me for everything else.

Anxiety Disorders: Types, Causes, Symptoms, Diagnosis, Treatment, and Prevention

Anxiety Disorders: Types, Causes, Symptoms, Diagnosis, Treatment, and Prevention:

“Anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences at times. Many people feel anxious, or nervous, when faced with a problem at work, before taking a test, or making an important decision. Anxiety disorders, however, are different. They can cause such distress that it interferes with a person’s ability to lead a normal life.

An anxiety disorder is a serious mental illness. For people with anxiety disorders, worry and fear are constant and overwhelming, and can be crippling.”

(Via. WebMD)