Stand My Ground


This might turn into a theme, but here is another song that gets heavy rotation in my music lists;

“Stand My Ground” by Within Temptation.

The choirs says it all:

Stand my ground, I won’t give in
No more denying, I’ve got to face it
Won’t close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don’t make it, someone else will
Stand my ground

There is plenty of room in life for compromise, but there are times when you have to “Stand Your Ground”, issues that make you stand up and say I will not agree, I will not change. Most people will agree that racism, violence, and abuse are things that we cannot turn a blind eye to, that we must “Stand Our Ground” and refuse to accept that kind of behavior, but this post isn’t about those issues. It is however about discrimination, intolerance, and yes, even hatred.

In this country, (USA), and around the world people face discrimination, hatred, intolerance, and even death for being “different”, for not following what society at large says isn’t normal or acceptable, never mind that “normal” might not make much sense, or in any way make life better. This has certainly been the issue with gay rights. Over all, who someone takes home, who they marry, doesn’t have an impact on society at large, yet we see people lose jobs and housing, being the object of violence and abuse, even killed because of who they are attracted to, who they fall in love with. In some places it is illegal and can carry a death penalty.

People who are Transgendered, for whatever reason, face many of the same challenges and dangers and for many of the same reasons. We are different, we don’t follow what society today considers “normal” and that seems to give some people an excuse to be violent and hateful. Of course, some people don’t need an excuse, but if one is there, they will make full use of it.

I looked for a news story I saw several weeks ago about the number of transgender people killed last year, but I couldn’t find it, if I do I’ll post about it, but the important thing was that it said more than two hundred people were killed. Two hundred! Because they dressed differently, or presented themselves in a way that someone didn’t agree with. I haven’t seen any information on the number of hate crimes against transgendered people, and yes they are hate crimes even if the police refuse to report them as such, but I can’t help but think the number is high in regards to the percentage of the population we represent.

Another thing I haven’t seen is the amount of domestic violence that is reported, but again, I think the number is quite high, especially against children.

What we need is acceptance, gained through understanding, and that can only come about through education.

I might go through and do a “Myth Buster” set of posts in the near future, but I’m not sure as there are so many places to find that information already online, but then again, it doesn’t hurt to repeat them.

The important thing is that like so many before us, we need to “Stand Our Ground” and refuse to accept the lives we are forced to live today simply because of intolerance and ignorance.

Living In A Fairytale Of Lies

One of my favorite songs is “Faster” by Within Temptation that has the verse:

“I can’t live in a fairytale of lies”

This really struck a chord with me the first time I heard it and continues to do so every time I listen to it. Why are you telling me this? I’m glad you asked.

I make a point to look for new sources of information and cannon fodder to write about. That means that I search news, web sites, and blogs for ideas, but sometimes I stumble across something that just irritates me to no end. That happened today.

Now, I am NOT going to link to this blog, it’s bad enough that he got a page view from me, I see no point in encouraging someone to post more useless drivel in an effort to get attention. (If you really want to see for yourself, search wordpress for crossdressing and look for a progress report. That’s all I’m going to say).

So what did this person write that has my dander up? Let me explain.

First of all, this guy claims to be a man of Faith… Yeah, I know.

This is someone who is trying to rid himself of his “crossdressing issues”. He goes to great length to tell you what a good little boy he has been by not cross dressing for x number of days, but lets you know he is still tempted, ‘cuse you know, no one is perfect. Of course, he wants to make sure you know that he is going to be around to continue getting a pat on the back for how good he’s being.

That first post should have been enough, but he had already opened the door to his own little “fairytale of lies” and I just had to look a little deeper.

In reading further, it becomes clear that either this guy is a complete liar, or the latest blooming person I have ever heard of. He claims that cross dressing wasn’t sexual until he was in high school, in fact he didn’t even touch himself until a couple of friends explained it to him…. really. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it. Never mind that he also claims that it made him “excited”, but he didn’t understand what that meant…. yeah, sure.

Once he figured out what that “thing” was for, it was all downhill from there and he fell into a world of self pleasure and lies, shame and compulsion. Funny how that works.

Then there is the loveless marriage to a woman who can freeze a glass of water on the night stand overnight, and now he wants us to applaud his perseverance and self sacrifice for staying in this farce of a loving relationship, because you know, God doesn’t care if your happy, he just wants you to live a miserable life as long as you have that piece of paper.

By this point I wanted to slap the crap out this spineless jackass.

In the end you find that from the very start he associates cross dressing with fear, shame, and a lack of self worth. For him, cross dressing was and is a fetish that from what he describes was self inflicted. He had no interest in dressing, or acting / looking feminine, or being a girl. He lead himself into using clothing as a sexual aid because he didn’t know what else to do with that thing between his legs.

He then goes on to try and tell people that he has the right to try and cousul others on how to over come this evil in their lives. That just because he has a fetish, that everyone has the same thing and that it doesn’t matter what science may say, being gay, transgender, or transexual  is a choice and God will punish you for making the wrong one.

Many people live in their own “Fairytale of Lies”, worlds built out of all the BS that they use to defend the things they do or don’t do. The trick is to avoid getting pulled in and drowned.

The Girl Inside


The Girl Inside is a great site to visit for transgender and cross dressing information, editorials, and links to other useful sites.

I make it a point to visit the site regularly for new posts. Emma writes interesting stories from a personal view that I find fun to read and I often come away with something to think about.

If you get the chance, check it out.

Playgrounds and Prejudice: Groundbreaking Study Released By GLSEN

GLSEN has issued a new report that examines the effects of bullying, slurs, and harassment against LGBT children within the elementary school environment.  What amazes and disgusts me is that it takes studies like this to point a spotlight on the obvious, that treating others with hatred and spite takes a terrible toll on the recipient. Every day a child is bullied, teased, mocked, and in other ways tormented because they don’t conform to what someone thinks is “normal”.

Today society refutes this behavior when it is directed at someone because of their sex, race, religion, or if they are physically or mentally challenged, yet that same society looks the other way if the target is LGBT.

When will we learn that the way we treat each person in this country not only reflects on us as a country, but on each and every one of us as human beings?

Fault Lines







Imgres 1


I know from my broken childhood memories that I was an emotional child and that there were many feelings of fear and shame, though only one incident still stands out; I was four and my mother had given me money for the ice cream truck. Somehow, walking from the door to the street I dropped the money and then couldn’t find it. I remember being terrified that I was going to get in trouble and the next thing I knew, I was sitting on the driveway in tears. Yes, I said terrified. That is the only way to describe what I was feeling then and the way it still brings a knot of ice in my stomach more than forty years later.

I tell you this to talk about the second vivid memory I have. I was ten and it was Winter. I really hated Winter, always being cold. It was snowing, had been snowing most of they day in fact, so there was at least two inches of fresh snow on the ground. I was walking home from school and didn’t even notice the cold. I was numb from the inside out and everything was useless. Going to school, going home, the cold, the snow, none of it mattered. I couldn’t see a point to any of it. For me, in that moment, there was no past, no future and I was nothing more than another speck of white that would disappear without a trace. I couldn’t see a point for being, for living and I knew that if I simply disappeared no one would really notice.

My way home took me past a large yard everyday and today as I neared it, I noted that it was one huge unbroken expanse of white. Not one footprint marred the surface. Looking at it I knew that I could simply lay down, go to sleep and never wake up. I was an avid reader and I remembered a story talking about people who died in snow storms. I wouldn’t mind that kind of death, simple, peaceful, and no pain. I almost did it.

You know what stopped me? I figured someone would see my footprints in the snow and find me and they would just take me back.

I was ten. Ten. How many kids think that death is a solution?

That wouldn’t be the last time I at least considered suicide, but it was the first that I remember.

The point of telling you this is because I see such thoughts and actions as an indication that there were and remain what I call fault lines in my mind, places where, given enough stress, something inside breaks and things I wouldn’t normally consider become viable solutions. Of course I now understand that I suffer from depression, but I’ve always thought of fault lines as the best description of what happens in my head.

That this has been an issue since a young age is clear. Depression is just one fault, being bi-gendered is another. Having these issues would cause problems, especially when you don’t understand what’s going on in your head. Adding other stresses, like those every young person deals with and it’s no wonder that transgendered people seem to suffer from mental issues more than Cisgendered people. Add in family problems, abuse, and discrimination and you have a potentially fatal brew.

I had two more suicide attempts, one in my teens which I survived thanks to a close friend who talked me through it. The second in my twenties that I still don’t know how I survived. In between those attempts and the present, I have dealt with the depression and numerous suicidal thoughts. I am one of the fortunate ones, I’ve survived pretty much intact, others weren’t so lucky.

Today I have a better understanding of what I am and why I have the thoughts and feelings that I do. It has taken me years of confusion, doubt, and not a little pain to reach this point. I am thankful that today it is easier than ever for people to get the information they need and to get the help of professionals to deal with all the issues I suffered through in silence because I didn’t know what else to do.

Of course, people need to know where to seek help. Today too many young people are still suffering needlessly. I support the It Gets Better Project, which seeks to give our youth the hope that I never had.

I hope and pray that the day will come where the story I have shared is the exception and not the rule, that when I tell someone what I went through they simply won’t be able to imagine going through that.

Stealth Dressing


I don’t know if it’s true that only one in ten cross dressers ever go out in public in female mode, but that is a figure I have seen on numerous web sites as well as wikipedia, so I figure it’s possible. Given that number, it means that ninety percent of you are the same as me, that is if you wear anything in public it’s covered by more acceptable attire. (After all, we wouldn’t want to upset someones delicate sensibilities now would we?)

I wear some article of women’s clothing no matter where I plan on going, even to work. That might be underwear or a sport bra, or maybe stockings and sometimes all three if I’m feeling adventurous! My main concern is that it is something that can be easily hidden or explained away if it happens to be seen.

I get a thrill at looking at the people around me and thinking; “if they only knew!” Of course, I would prefer to be able to go out dressed however I want, but it’s fun to think I’m getting away with something naughty.

What Do You Like To Read?

I have loved reading since I was a child, even buying my first book when i was ten. Since then I have read many different genres from adventure to suspense to science. It really doesn’t mater what kind of book it is as long as the story is good and it is well written.

Over the years I have moved between books, magazines, and now to Japanese Manga. The reason I became interested in Manga was for all the cross gender and gender bender stories that I simply haven’t found elsewhere. In fact, I just finished catching up on a great cross dressing story, “Hourou Musuko” or “Wondering Son” in english. It is also an anime series subtitled in english and if you can, I really recommend watching it as you get a great feel of the emotional tone of the series.

Let me say, I’m not trying to sell this series, it is simply a wonderful and powerful story that captures the essence of the things that we face as cross dressers.

So what do you like to read, watch, listen to that might have a cross dressing, gender bender theme? Please share your thoughts i the comments.

When The Girl Inside Is Also The Man Inside


This is question which as been bothering me for years, long before I rediscovered my cross dressing issues. I hope that someone can comment and give me a direction for coming to understand this aspect of cross dressing.

I have heard that term; letting the girl inside out. That is dressing as a way to express the feminine qualities many feel. I can understand using a feminine name while dressed, it would be confusing to do otherwise, but some have said that they become a different person when dressed.

What I am wondering is if many of you keep these personalities separate? That is, would people who know your male side recognize you when female? Not just from looks, but from from mannerisms, way of acting or speaking? I guess the best example would be is there a difference between guy mode and girl mode that someone could pick up on even online?

For myself, when online I am in full Kira mode. I don’t bother trying to pass in person, I know that isn’t reasonable, so I go online and let Kira speak. The thing is, I have tried to untangle the two sides, to set boundaries, so that I can move one or the other into the background as a way to relieve stress, especially from my male mode, but I have found that they are so closely linked that it’s impossible.

I am Kira and Kira is me. I cannot simply get into clothes and “become” Kira any more than I can take them off and “become” him. I already am.

I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it’s the best way I can explain things.

Reblogging is Back!

Thanks for all the hard work! News

As we mentioned last week, you can like and reblog posts directly from your reader, which displays a stream of all the updates published on all the blogs you follow from your account.

We’ve also brought the reblog button back to the toolbar that appears at the top of the screen when you’re logged into Note that you’ll only see the like and reblog options while you’re looking at individual posts.

For example, you’ll see this on the left side of your toolbar while viewing

And your toolbar will look like this while you’re browsing the home page of

How does reblogging work?

Reblogging is a quick way to share posts published by other users on your own blog. People have been reblogging others’ posts since blogging started, but our new reblogging system enables authors to retain greater control over their content.


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Remembering the Teen

I grew up in the age before the internet. I was an adult by the time I remember everyone being excited about this new thing coming out called The World Wide Web and reading about how it was going to change everything. Little did we know. In those ancient days we didn’t have instant access to information, if you wanted to know something you had to make a trip to the local library or go to the bookstore. As often as not, you had to have some idea of what you were looking for before you went; there were hundred if not thousands of books and reference materials to examine and you could quickly find yourself overwhelmed if you didn’t have a starting point. Imagine being interested in something you didn’t have a name for, something none of your family or friends knew about, but you couldn’t just ask because on some level you were sure you would be mocked or even punished if anyone knew. That was how it was with me and my interest in cross-dressing. I didn’t know what it was called, it was just something other boys didn’t do. The closest I could get was girls playing dress up, but i knew this was something more, (although I would have jumped at the chance to dress up too). I spent hours, days, even years in terrified solitude trying to figure out what I was looking for.

During my teen years my great escape was the seasonal catalogs that were sent out by Sears and JCPenney that my mother received by mail. I would spend hours looking through them when no one was home, not for the reasons so many young men did, but to look at the clothes. Checking out the newest fashions and wishing I could buy this blouse or that dress but knowing they were always out of reach.  I often thought about simply ordering something by mail using an order form from an older catalog, but then realized that I didn’t know if that would work and besides, what if my mom got to the mail before I did? Another problem was size of course. I read and reread the measuring instructions but how could I be sure I was doing it right? There sure as hell wasn’t anyone I could ask for advice. What if I got it wrong? Could I send it back? In the end I just stuck to daydreaming and spent my money on the kinds of things I saw my male friends spending theirs on. Never mind that often as not I wasn’t interested in the same stuff, but I needed and wanted them to think I was. In the end I had a lot of stuff packed away in boxes that I never had any use for.

A very important aspect to my life during this time was my refusal to cross-dress. Not only was I terrified at getting caught, I had convinced myself that it was somehow wrong. Normal guys didn’t dress in girls clothes. Normal people didn’t have to hide their thoughts and feelings. Add to this my realization that much of what I thought and felt didn’t match up with what I heard from my male friends and it was a really confusing and conflicting time. There were other issues beyond cross-dressing, some much more serious that I was dealing with, but without a doubt, this issue added a great deal of stress that I would have gladly done without, but those things will have to wait for a later post.