After years of living with my thoughts and emotions a constant swirling storm in my head, I never thought about what would happen if it ever stopped. I thought that I would have to live out my life with the chaos.
Now, having reached a point in my life I never imagined existed, the storm has finally passed and I am left to deal with the quiet. I know, it would seem that I would welcome the end to all the conflict, all the erratic emotional swings, the endless noise that was the background to my life.
The thing is, I am now dealing with how to fill the void.
It’s strange to find myself at a loss for what to think about.
I have many interests, I even have a few hobbies that I’ve managed to hang on to. It is to these that I am turning my attention. In addition to looking at ways to move forward in how to understand where I need to go on the journey.
I love art, music, and reading. I love to draw and write. Through the last several months I have had to put these things on a back burner while I got my life put back together, now I am going to take all this calm time to rediscover them.
I have said before that I have and do use these as a way to work things out for myself. I am going to begin writing again and am going back through many of my notes and story ideas. I have already been shocked at how emotionally charged many of these are. I began to reread a story I did for a writing contest that took place just before I came out. In reading just a few paragraphs of a rough draft, I again had the story firmly in mind… and I had tears running down my face.
This was the last thing I worked on. It was into this that I was pouring all my thoughts, emotions, and energy when I didn’t have anything left.
It might not be surprising to hear that the main character is named Kira. From the first moment I thought of her I knew that I would be using her to write about myself. I wanted her to be the conduit for what was in my heart and mind. I wanted her to be everything I couldn’t be.
She was successful beyond my wildest dreams. Because writing that story was what started me on this journey I knew that I had to take the name Kira. It is right and fitting. I may have thought that I was creating a fictional character when I chose that name, but in truth it was who I am in my heart.
Now, all these months and miles later I am going to return to this story. It will be with new understanding and a new vision. It will be knowing that in the words I write I am seeking to understand, not a figment of my imagination, but myself.