Today’s title did not come from today’s song, I had to come up with a better title than “Milk” which would have been confusing.
The song for today is “Milk” by Garbage. It has a strange vibe to it that seems to fit my mood lately. I don’t know, maybe I’m just strange.
One of the most difficult things for me is how to describe how my mind works in regards to gender. This isn’t something you can take out and show someone, it’s more like a sunset or music that stirs your soul. How do you describe a sunset to someone who is blind or music to someone who is deaf? Even if you manage to find the words you want, you still cannot convey to totality of the experience. You can give them a fleeting glimpse, like a faded photograph seen through dirty glass or a song heard through a brick wall. No matter how well you do, they can never experience it the way you do.
I have had reason to think about this a lot lately. I have gone over it in my mind a thousand times. I think I may have found something that can at least put this into a form that people can understand, but I might be wrong and all I’m doing is confusing the issue even more.
For me, I see myself as a two headed coin. I am the coin and both faces are the coin, we are all one and the same.
One side is female, the other male. Both are part of the coin and you cannot separate them and still have a coin.
Sometimes one side faces up, sometimes the other, and sometimes the coin is edge on.
That means I am sometimes male only, sometimes female only, but sometimes I am a mix of both.
For me, the female face is Kira, the male side we’ll call Bobby (for lack of a better name).
Sometimes I am all Kira, others all Bobby, most often I am some of both to one extent or another.
I cannot remove one face of the coin (Kira) and still have a coin nor can I remove the other face (Bobby) and still have a coin. They both are required, they are both valid, they are both me.
(Just a note: when online I go by Kira only. I have to live pretty much a Bobby only existence off line, and I just as soon he stay there).