Today’s song is “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks. The post explains why.
After reading someone else’s post about their struggles with trying to see past their problems enough to see the pain of someone close, I realized that I had been doing the same thing.
As I have said before and I will say again, my wife has put up with more from me than anyone should have to deal with. She has stood beside me, being an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, my sounding board, and more and never complained.
The problem is that while she has listened to me again and again, who has been there to listen to her? To be for her what she has been for me? The answer is no one. She can’t talk with her friends or family, I haven’t come out to any of them and we’re not sure how they might react. It just isn’t worth the risk especially with her family. So she stands silent. I cannot imagine what she must be going through.
Earlier this week, in a fit of guilt, I got her to admit to one thing, that following the events that led to me emerging as I am now, she cried for three days.
I was so caught up in what was going on with me that I didn’t even notice the pain she was in.
I am such a bitch.
When my old life fell apart I said things I can’t remember. I was hurting, confused, and lost, but that’s no excuse for lashing out at her. She didn’t deserve to be hurt like that. I can ask for her forgiveness but that doesn’t take away the pain I caused.
I never wanted to hurt her, but I did. I never want to hurt her again, but I know I will. I just hope that from now on I’ll pay attention to her and her feelings and that it won’t take her telling me to see the truth behind her silent strength.
I am suppose to be her best friend, her partner and I should be there for her without having to be asked. Instead I was neither. I was a selfish bitch just thinking of myself. She deserves better than that.