I feel like I’m in prison.
Most of my day is spent in a tiny cell where I am left to look out the window dreaming of the world I see through the bars.
I get time most days to go out to the yard and exercise, but the time is fleeting and I long for the day when I can walk in the sun free from the constraints that hold me.
I know that it is just a dream, I have been given a life sentence and there will be no pardon.
The sad truth is that the body I was born into is set as a single sex. That isn’t a bad thing in and of itself I suppose, but I am more than that. Unfortunately it is impossible for me to change sexes at will, and it is that ability and that alone, that would allow me to be truly free.
I’m sorry, but this is difficult to explain in a way that make sense.
I am free to be me in cyberspace, but it really isn’t the same. I want to be be me 24/7. I want to be male AND female, completely and totally in the real world. I want to feel the sun on my face, the wind in my hair as both, but that isn’t going to happen. I know that and it hurts in a way I cannot put into words.
I want the totality of being a woman just as I know the totality of being a man. I want each to my core, not just on the surface. I want to be able to change at will, not just on the outside, but all the way to my DNA.
This is impossible in so many ways. How can I hope to explain the totality of what happens when my mind shifts into female? How I don’t just think I am a woman, I AM a woman, completely and totally, from the top of my head to the tip of my toes? There is nothing male there, I am a woman, period. In those times I am trapped in an alien body. It feels wrong, it looks wrong, in every way it IS wrong. I am operating a puppet on remote control. I am in control, but I am disconnected on a level that leaves me feeling almost numb.
In those times I want to scream, to fight my way out of a nightmare that I never expected, never wanted, never asked for.
When my mind switches to male, then I AM male, the female does not exist. These times are thankfully rare, in fact I cannot remember the last time I was 100% male, and frankly I don’t like that me very much. He came out much more when I was younger and he was a smart ass and really, who likes a smart ass? I sure don’t.
Most times I am a mix of both, but I still feel trapped. I cannot express myself the way I want. I can’t act the ways I know I should and I am left confused and exhausted by trying to be what I think the people around me expect. In those times I still think of myself more as Kira than my male persona. I am a mix of both, but most times I think I am 51% Kira. Maybe I’m just not as comfortable with my male side, I don’t know.
Some times I’m just a mess, which is strange because I’ve been told that I am a better person to be around than I was before. I talk more, I seem happier, I can talk about my feelings more easily. I will admit that I seem to have an easier time dealing with the down times, they aren’t as deep or last as long, and really I just feel like a weight has been lifted.
But I am not, nor will I ever be, truly free. That fact stares me in the face every time I look in the mirror. One day I want to look there and see Kira looking back at me.