Someone knowing a secret about you is unsettling. Someone knowing all your secrets is terrifying. They have power over you and there is nothing you can do about it except trust they will remain silent.
They can destroy a marriage, a career, you whole life.
This something I have come to understand the hard way. One person now holds my life in her hands and I gave it to her willingly. Over the years bits and pieces of my life came to light, such things happen when you share your life with someone, but nothing compared to what has come to the surface since I confessed everything to her.
And when I say everything, I mean everything. There is nothing about me that she does not know.
Honestly, that thought terrifies the hell out of me.
Do I trust her? Yes. As much as you can trust anyone who isn’t in your own skin. I could never have opened up the way I have if I didn’t.
Does that stop me from becoming almost physically ill when I think of what I’ve done? No.
What I am about to say sounds crazy. I know because I’m thinking it and it sounds crazy to me, but it the truth.
I trust her because “he” trusted her.
I speak here of who I was. That version of me that existed before I awoke. I am not him and he is not me, but because he trusted her, I do too.
I speak this way because he was the caterpillar to my butterfly. I carry his thoughts, his memories, and yes, his spirit, but I can never return to being a caterpillar.
For years she stood beside him even when others walked away. She saw him at his best and at his worst. She was there during the ups and downs and refused to let go.
She was there to see me rise from the ashes. She could have walked away then and no one would have blamed her, instead she reached out and took my hand. She has accepted me for who and what I am.
Now she stands beside me and I trust her with my secrets and my life.