Yesterday I learned some more of what happened during my breakdown. The words that were spoken back to me sent a chill down my spine. They were hateful, cruel, and they were meant to hurt. That A took that much abuse from me and didn’t wring my neck is amazing. I don’t think I will ever be able to repay her, but I’ll spend the rest of my life trying.
What surprised me about all of this was my response. Before, hearing these things would have sent me into a tailspin of shame, loathing, and despair. I would have sunk into a depression as I sought to punish myself, all the while trying to push A further and further away.
Instead I did the opposite. I opened up to her and we had a very good conversation about what happened.
Yes, it hurt to hear how cruel I had been. It hurt to know I had hurt her in such a way, but I accepted that it had happened and I can’t take it back, as much as I might want to.
The important thing is that she understands and has already forgiven me. Now I had to forgive myself.
You know what? I did.
For the first time in my life, I am able to own my actions, to accept the pain, to forgive myself. I am finally able to move beyond it.
I know to those who have travelled this road before me, all I have done is taken baby steps on what is a long journey. For me, this evidence that who I am now is nothing to who I had been has stunned me to the core. That so much has changed in such a short time is breathtaking.
Truly, this Phoenix has spread her wings and taken flight.