Stuck In The Middle With Me

 

Maybe it’s too soon, or maybe I just over think things. It might just be that I try to find things to worry over, like a dog with a favorite sock.

So much seems to have changed, my whole outlook on things has shifted in ways I can’t really explain even to myself. I see things differently, hear things differently. Some days the whole world seems like a brand new place. I want to interact with people differently than before. I want to experience things differently than before. I want to be more involved and engaged.

There seems to be one little problem though. To everyone around me, even A, I am still the same old me. A little easier to be around, a little more open and willing to talk, but really the same as I was before.

But I don’t feel that way. I don’t want to be the old me in any shape, form, or fashion. That person wasn’t very nice to be around.

Why can’t anyone see me for who I am now?

Just what did people see when they looked at me before?

Yes, I know that this shell I wear is the same one I have always worn. That to see me across the room isn’t going to set off alarm bells, scare small children, or curdle milk, but when they talk to me? There isn’t something different? Not one little thing?

This is really bothering me for some reason. I know, I can’t go full girl mode, but come on, there has to be something noticeable.

If there’s not, what does that say? Is the girl inside stuck there? Is all those “guy” things I worked so hard to copy now so ingrained that they seem natural? Am I fated to be in “guy mode” no matter how much I try to be myself?

In the end, the clothes I wear won’t matter one lick if what’s inside can’t come out on some level.  What I don’t know is if anything is getting out. I know that I can’t seem to interact with people the way I really want to, I just can’t seem to make the connection that I need to feel more a part of the world around me.

I think I’m stuck behind a piece of glass looking out but unable to touch anything.

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3 thoughts on “Stuck In The Middle With Me

  1. Kira, I so know how you feel because there isn’t a day that goes by where I always feel comfortable just being myself. The thing of it is that one doesn’t have to be a TG in transition to feel that way because it comes with the territory of just being human. The only difference I can see between being TG, bi, gay, lesbian or questioning is that we are asking different questions than most straight folks do and it is no different than the questions that a person of color might ask that is different than if they were White. Its all about taking it one day at a time. Love, Deanna

  2. Ohhh, I can so relate to this! After I started hormones and plucked my near unibrow into two much more feminine shapes I thought for sure people would begin to notice something different. No one did. When I came out to everyone I was amazed when people would interact with me and talk about something insipid like the weather. How could they? In my mind I had turned the world on its axis. I think the real situation is that people retreat to internally process the change and it is much more comfortable to act like nothing happened or is different. For us it can be infuriating or hurtful, but in reality I think it just takes time. Remember that the real you is the real you and things will follow in time. 🙂 Love your blog by the way! ~ Michelle

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