Maybe it’s too soon, or maybe I just over think things. It might just be that I try to find things to worry over, like a dog with a favorite sock.
So much seems to have changed, my whole outlook on things has shifted in ways I can’t really explain even to myself. I see things differently, hear things differently. Some days the whole world seems like a brand new place. I want to interact with people differently than before. I want to experience things differently than before. I want to be more involved and engaged.
There seems to be one little problem though. To everyone around me, even A, I am still the same old me. A little easier to be around, a little more open and willing to talk, but really the same as I was before.
But I don’t feel that way. I don’t want to be the old me in any shape, form, or fashion. That person wasn’t very nice to be around.
Why can’t anyone see me for who I am now?
Just what did people see when they looked at me before?
Yes, I know that this shell I wear is the same one I have always worn. That to see me across the room isn’t going to set off alarm bells, scare small children, or curdle milk, but when they talk to me? There isn’t something different? Not one little thing?
This is really bothering me for some reason. I know, I can’t go full girl mode, but come on, there has to be something noticeable.
If there’s not, what does that say? Is the girl inside stuck there? Is all those “guy” things I worked so hard to copy now so ingrained that they seem natural? Am I fated to be in “guy mode” no matter how much I try to be myself?
In the end, the clothes I wear won’t matter one lick if what’s inside can’t come out on some level. What I don’t know is if anything is getting out. I know that I can’t seem to interact with people the way I really want to, I just can’t seem to make the connection that I need to feel more a part of the world around me.
I think I’m stuck behind a piece of glass looking out but unable to touch anything.