Yes, a second post for today. I wasn’t planning on writing this, but I’ve ben inspired by several other blogs, especially one by my friend Becky.
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice
And everything nice,
That is what little girls
Are made of.
Yes, this blog, like so many others, is about one person’s journey of self discovery. Maybe more like recovery. Through our efforts to reconnect with a part of ourselves that may have been set aside or repressed, we are seeking not to become new people, but a whole person. One at peace with ourselves, acknowledging all that we are, even those parts that we would just as soon forget if given the chance.
And that is really what this and my other post are really about.
If you’ve followed this blog for very long, then you know I have had a bumpy start on this road of ours. I cannot stress enough that I have needed a lot of hand holding, a few shoulders to cry on, and the support of people who care about me. My biggest hurdle has been getting over the wall of my past and coming to grips with the reality of who I am. That hasn’t been as easy as it sounds of course.
Yes, I am not the man I was before, nor am I just the woman that I am now. I am, was, and always will be a mix of both. The best I can ever hope for to take the total and be be the best that I can be. (I know, sounds like a bad commercial). That is all any of us can really do. We cannot erase who we were to rewrite who we are or who we want to be.
Again, if you have followed my writing for very long then you know that here, on the internet, in this blog, I allow myself to be fully the woman that I see in my minds eye. The thing is, she is built on who I was before, she did not appear complete in a puff of fairy dust, (though that would be a conversation starter wouldn’t it?)
As Kira, I am a complete person, and this in some ways is reflected in the male side of me that must live in the real world, but he could not exist there without me here.
In several posts I have worried that somehow this side of me was getting lost in the noise created by my male self. That I would be forever relegated to being words on a page. That of course is nonsense. Yes, the male side must take precedence in a world that cannot see past the skin that we wear, but that doesn’t mean that I am not there also. That I am somehow sleeping while he is awake. I just don’t push to present this side of myself to people who are too thick skulled to accept that no one person is like another and that we all have a right to be ourselves.
I did have an interesting conversation with someone who knows me, who knew me before, when all I tried to be was male. This person has, on several occasions read this blog, so I asked if there was any difference between the “me” here and the “male” me. Looking back at it, this was sort of silly, but I did want to know. I wanted to know if I was able to present myself differently. If I was able to really let this side of me out in a way that was different from what they knew of me.
The answer was interesting. Yes, I present myself here as a distinct personality from my male side. The tone is different, the focus is different. They couldn’t really put it into words, but they knew when it was Kira speaking compared to G. I found this both exciting and scary. I wanted to express myself in a different voice than G and in that I succeeded. I wanted to be able to present the new me in a way that allowed Kira her full due. I have done that.
Now, I want to integrate both into one complete voice. It isn’t going to happen over night, and I doubt that it will be easy, but since I have found both of my voices, bringing them into harmony is a reachable goal. What will that voice sound like? That I don’t know, but I am looking forward to finding out.