More Questions Than Answers

 

Today has not been one of my better days. I’m an emotional mess and my mind is a tangled knot of questions, doubts, and fears.

At this point I don’t have a goal to aim for, I really don’t know what I hope to find at the end of this part of my journey. What’s more, I find that am really struggling with understanding how I think of myself.

Here I am Kira, a woman seeking to regain a life that was stolen from me when I was too young to fight back. In the “real” world I am still G.

The problem is that even here part of me still thinks of myself as G while in the real world I know that Kira is there. There is so much bleed over between these two that I’m not sure where one really ends and the other begins.

Physical reality no longer matches up with metal reality. It’s not dysphoria so much as it’s confusion.

I wish I could take a few years off from reality so that I could let my mind work through all this.

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2 thoughts on “More Questions Than Answers

  1. Embrace your doubts, Kira, for they make you stronger instead of weaker.

    Your feelings of uncertainty as to who you really are have been no different than the feelings I have been experiencing being out in public as Deanna even as I have fully removed most of vestiges of the old me from easy access, in my legal name change and in disposing of all of my boy clothes. I have dealt with the pain sometimes by avoiding activities that give me pleasure, even though these activities actually bolster my sense of who I present myself to be now. It is only a short break from the reality of what I have chosen to be so and I as haven’t had any surgery to change my appearance above or below the waist as yet and could still turn back the clock if I wanted but I am way beyond the wanting of my old life back anymore than I could be wanting back an arm or leg that was accidentally cut off.

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