After The Storm

 

After years of living with my thoughts and emotions a constant swirling storm in my head, I never thought about what would happen if it ever stopped. I thought that I would have to live out my life with the chaos.

Now, having reached a point in my life I never imagined existed, the storm has finally passed and I am left to deal with the quiet. I know, it would seem that I would welcome the end to all the conflict, all the erratic emotional swings, the endless noise that was the background to my life.

The thing is, I am now dealing with how to fill the void.

It’s strange to find myself at a loss for what to think about.

I have many interests, I even have a few hobbies that I’ve managed to hang on to. It is to these that I am turning my attention. In addition to looking at ways to move forward in how to understand where I need to go on the journey.

I love art, music, and reading. I love to draw and write. Through the last several months I have had to put these things on a back burner while I got my life put back together, now I am going to take all this calm time to rediscover them.

I have said before that I have and do use these as a way to work things out for myself. I am going to begin writing again and am going back through many of my notes and story ideas. I have already been shocked at how emotionally charged many of these are. I began to reread a story I did for a writing contest that took place just before I came out. In reading just a few paragraphs of a rough draft, I again had the story firmly in mind… and I had tears running down my face.

This was the last thing I worked on. It was into this that I was pouring all my thoughts, emotions, and energy when I didn’t have anything left.

It might not be surprising to hear that the main character is named Kira. From the first moment I thought of her I knew that I would be using her to write about myself. I wanted her to be the conduit for what was in my heart and mind. I wanted her to be everything I couldn’t be.

She was successful beyond my wildest dreams. Because writing that story was what started me on this journey I knew that I had to  take the name Kira. It is right and fitting. I may have thought that I was creating a fictional character when I chose that name, but in truth it was who I am in my heart.

Now, all these months and miles later I am going to return to this story. It will be with new understanding and a new vision. It will be knowing that in the words I write I am seeking to understand, not a figment of my imagination, but myself.

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3 thoughts on “After The Storm

  1. I am going to have to do a total rewrite, but I have some new ideas I want to explore. When I have a decent start, I will send you something to read…

  2. I shared this post with my son a couple of days ago. He is almost 14 years old and recently shared with us that he is transgender (he was born female). He had been working on a writing a story for over a year and the main character was male. He stopped writing it last fall when the depression he has battled over the last two years was at its worst. He had shared at the time that he noticed that the main character had many similarities with himself and it scared him. He wouldn’t let me read the story at the time so i didn’t realize what was going on. We filed his legal name change with the court earlier this week and the name he chose is the name of the character from that story. When he read your post, he said it was eerie how similar it was to his own thoughts and situation. Thank you for sharing this. I hope that you find nothing but happiness, joy, support, and love in your life when you choose to begin sharing your story in person with others — that has been the case with my son so far and we live in a very conservative rural area. Hugs and blessings to you.

    1. Your words have taken my breath away. When I decided to start writing this blog, I never imagined anyone would bother to read it, let alone that my words might have such a profound affect on someone else. I am moved beyond words. to say that I am happy that what I write has helped someone is inadequate, but I cannot find another way to say it. Thank you for sharing this with me, it really does mean more than I can ever express.

      I did share a small excerpt of that story in the post, “A Mirror of Reality”. I plan to give the follow up to that scene in another post soon.

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