Today has turned out to be a much fuller day than I had originally planned. That has turned what could have been a fairly lousy day into a truly great day.
I can say that in the beginning things started pretty badly. I was in a slump… again, and something I had thought might get me back on track took a bad turn. The funny thing is, that bad turn had the effect of actually doing what I had hoped, but in a way I couldn’t have expected.
When something manages to get under my skin, I have a habit of brooding over it until I either get really depressed by the whole mess, or as happened this time, I get angry. Enough so that I started talking to someone very near and dear to my heart. Someone who has seen me in some pretty bad spots and has dealt with me when my anger was almost out of control. This is someone who understands what needs to be done to get me seeing things clearly again. That might be just letting me work things through on my own or giving much needed advice. Some times I simply get a quick kick in the butt, but I know that whatever is done, is done out of love.
It was that talk that turned things around for me. It got me pointed in the right direction and understanding what I need to do.
I have to admit that when I started out on the journey I had no idea what I would find. I could’t know the challenges that I would face or all the confusion I would have to deal with. I never expected the roller coaster of emotions, doubts, fears, and excitement that awaited me. I think I said before that this is like being a teenager again, going through all the crazy stuff that I had forgotten about. It’s bad enough that I have to unscramble all the things I have learned through trial and error, pain and humiliation from years of learning to live a life I never wanted and was unprepared to undertake. A life that was not my own, but one forced on me like a bad fitting pink bunny suit.
Through all of this I have somehow managed to not only keep my sanity, but to move forward in many small ways. I have learned more about myself that I ever thought possible and now have a better understanding of just how much I have yet to learn.
Not everything is peaches and cream or rose colored glasses, but much better than the alternative.
I did want to mention something that I find interesting. I reached a point where all the noise in my head finally stopped, a point of quiet calm in the storm that had raged in my head for as long as I could remember. A number of people pointed out that I had reached some mile stone, some magical point in my journey where the sun shines all the time and happy music played in the background. Sorry, but I haven’t reached that point, not really. As I said, this is the clam in the middle of a hurricane. It is wonderful for what it is, but to allow myself to be fooled into thinking I will never face the storm again is a sure way for me to crushed when it comes. I have no illusions to the truth that it might very well return without warning at any time.
I didn’t claim this happy nirvana, others made that assumption and ran with it.
Even this period of calm has not been without it’s unexpected twists and hidden traps. Anyone who reads this blog will have seem ample proof of that. If I let my guard down for even a moment. If I fail to doubt myself, my motivations, my goals, hope and dreams, then I am setting myself up for a fall that I might not recover from. I know the truth of this. I have come close enough to the abyss that I know that all it takes is one moment, one mistake to find myself in a place that I might not survive.
I know this because I have been there, I have survived the darkest hours anyone can face and I cannot kid myself into thinking that I will never find myself there again.
I heard someone put it best: when you stare into the abyss, sometimes it stares back.
And now to something that has really irritated me.
(If this has been too long of a rant already, I apologize. This is about to get a bit longer.)
There are people who seem to think that if you only come out online and not in the real world your nothing more than a poser. A fraud who in some way is much lower on the Transgender totem pole than someone who is out living full time among the masses.
I say BS.
While I admire those who can and do come out and live their lives full time as their target gender, I am all too aware that for many people this simply isn’t an option. I do not judge those who feel they can only be themselves in cyberspace.
I am one of those people.
There are number of reasons for this and I will give them in just a moment. I think I have touched on this in other posts, but I guess I have to make sure and put everything in one post so that some people won’t have to connect the dots for themselves.
Unlike some people, I am not retired. I go to work every day and put in my eight. I do this as a male. I do this because it is what I have to do, not for myself, but for my family.
Simply put, I have responsibilities that I cannot abandon simply because i find them inconvenient or not to my liking. I have a mortgage, I have car payments, I have food to buy and clothes to put onto peoples backs. I have three college tuitions to think about.
All of this is real world stuff. This isn’t fun, it isn’t a game. This is what is more important to me than even being happy when I look in a mirror.
If someone wants to judge me for putting my family before myself, fine, judge me. I simply don’t don’t give a damn what you think.
In the “real world” I live my life as male because that is what I have done for more than four decades. It is how I have made my living and it how those I work for know me. If I was to be selfish and go full time I would lose my job, simple as that. I would lose my house, my car, the ability to send my kids to college. The ability to put food on the table.
And it would all be because I chose to be a selfish, narcissistic jackass who cared more about what I wanted than what those who mean more to me than my own life needed me to be.
Call me self delusional, call me a coward, I don’t care. I will do what I need to do and if you can not or will not understand that, then I really don’t want to be around you anyway.
Sure, I wonder if I could live as a woman. I wonder at being able to “pass”. I would love it if I ever had the chance to try. But as long as there are people who depend on my male persona for their well being, then he will be there for as long as needed.
That is what a real person does.
That is what a real woman does.
That is what a human does.
In one of the Star Trek movies was a line that put it better than I ever could:
“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.”
Because I am an adult, because I understand my responsibilities, because I made promises that I will not break, I will remain in the closet in the “real world.”
That leaves me one option to fully express myself; Cyberspce.
I was here in the beginning, with BBs, then the “internet”. I was here when everyone was waiting for this thing called the “World Wide Web” that was going to change the world.
I was one of the first in our area to join AOL when it became available.I remember 33.6 baud modems. I lived at 56k and thought it was incredible. Then came broadband and the world exploded. I remember the rise of Yahoo and Google, Amazon, and Facebook. I watched as Netscape crashed and burned.
I have lived a great deal of my adult life online. In forums, chat rooms, and bulletin boards.
I have found it much easier to interact with people from behind a computer screen. I hate trying to play all the social games when face to face with real people. I was always terrible at them and felt awkward and self conscience.
The written word is the best way I found to interact with others and the computer has been a god send.
I did not start out as Kira, nor did I represent myself as female until recently. I have had a number of sign in names over the years, but i have pretty much abandoned them all at this point.
This is the one place where I can be myself 100% and no one really questions me. I don’t have to “Pass”, I don’t have to dress and I don’t worry about my voice.
I’m not jeopardizing my job and everything that depends on it.
I am who I am, period.
Again, if you doubt me, if you call my a fraud, a liar, a faker, or whatever name you chose, it does not change the truth of who I am.
Your opinion does not chage my reality.
Get over yourself. I don’t need, want, or accept your opinion of me.
For all of those who are like me, who for what ever reasons cannot come out and live your life in the real world, I say take this and do what you can with it. Living for a moment in cyberspace as your true self is a thousand times better than living nothing but the lie you are forced to live in that “real world.”
Take what moments of happiness and joy you can, where you can, for they may be precious and few.
And if someone tries to tear you down for not walking out your front door in a dress….
Tell them they can come and live your life, or else just STFU.