A Matter of Balance

Other things


Over the last several weeks I have found myself in the position of having to regain my balance in regards to how I am presenting myself to people around me. For the majority of my life I have hidden behind a masculine mask that gave me a definite set of rules to follow. Now I find that I’m not really comfortable following the old rules but I haven’t figured out the new ones.

What do I mean? Well, under the old rules I was expected to keep up on the local football and baseball teams. I would be asked about this player or that, about possible trades, and what an injury to so and so might mean. I really couldn’t have cared less, but i put in the effort to be able to answer such questions. Now? I still don’t care and I am having trouble summoning up the energy to bother. After all, for the most part, these guys wouldn’t normally bother asking a girl this stuff or expect her to answer, so why should they expect me to? For the same reason that I answered them before.

Because they don’t see and wouldn’t understand that the cover doesn’t equal the book.

Don’t get me wrong, there a plenty of women who are interested in this stuff, in fact I work with several who know more about what’s in the sports news than the men, but I’m not one of them. Never have been, probably never will be. I am sick of acting like I care, acting like someone I’m not just to get along with people I wouldn’t bother having a beer with if I saw them in a bar after work. At the same time I can’t pull a one eighty and expect to maintain the same working relationships I have had for almost two decades. To avoid needless conflict and tension, I need to maintain a certain level of interest. Over time I can wind things down until they reflect my true feelings. Subtle change is the way to go. It will certainly raise fewer eyebrows.

The other side of this is my relationships with my female coworkers. Over the years I had maintained a polite distance. They never expected me to be involved in their conversations unless it was some form of gossip or another, (which like sports, is something I couldn’t care less about).. They never thought to include me in their little circle and I wasn’t about to try and insinuate myself without an invitation.

Now I want to be more involved, but appearances and history are working against me. I think that again, over time, I can at least move into the shadow of that circle, but I will never be fully included. The trick is showing that I am open to inclusion, even if it is only from the very edges, without appearing to be false in my intentions. To seem like a man trying to invade that female space.

In the end I am trying to find a balance between exclusion and inclusion. Redefining myself in a world where the rules have already been written.

Life would have been much simpler if I could have figured this stuff out years ago, but since when has life ever been simple?


7 thoughts on “A Matter of Balance

  1. Girl, (I normally would have said Boy) that certainly struck a cord in me. Before I came out to my men’s group that I couldn’t live as a man anymore, after our weekly meetings where most of the men were still trying to get in touch with their feelings, we would have an after-hours “Boy’s night out” where we would drink alcohol, snack on chips and dips and talk about things that men talk about together, namely anything that keeps them in their heads, where they feel most comfortable, instead of their hearts. There were a few times where I mentioned this and the reaction from at least one of the guys was to put me down for wanting to carry on with talking about my inner world instead of the outer one. It took me another few years to realize that I just wasn’t cut out for men’s head chatter because I wasn’t a man.

    1. It’s frustrating when I realize that all the time and effort I put into building a facade that allowed me to fit in also built the wall that now keeps me from being accepted for who I really am.

      1. In the beginning of my transition, only 4 months ago, I was stuck with 62 years of history as a man, struggling to build an outer persona of a man who wanted to fit in but couldn’t fully feel comfortable in my own skin. After I threw all caution to the wind and went from being David one day to Deanna the next, I discovered that being myself actually took much less energy than being someone I was not. Now women who knew me before tell me I do Deanna so much better than I ever did David.

      2. There will come a day when I no longer need to maintain two lives, I know this, that is why I am working now build the knowledge and skills I will need. Just the fact that I know that day will indeed come is what keeps me moving forward.

  2. I feel blessed that I haven’t had to do what you have to do to maintain two lives instead of one simply because I was able to hide the truth from myself so completely and had somehow set up conditions to be near perfect that Deanna came alive in me practically overnight. The only major difficulty in all of this I can foresee is can I demonstrate to some psycho-doctor or two that, without any doubt, I am totally ready for the day that I wake up with a vagina?

    1. I do have to say, that despite the difficulties I now face, they are worth the pain I experience because there are three wonderful people who otherwise wouldn’t be here. To wish to be able to go back and redo my past, to either have been born in the right body, or to have been allowed to live as a girl would have meant that they never would have existed. That would be selfish and, I think, against what any woman would want no matter what body she lives in. If I have to live these two lives until the day I die to give my children the best possible life, then I consider it well worth the price.

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