There are days when I have no idea what I might write about. Days that when I try to force my brain to come up with something that I might want to say, about myself or the world in general, and I keep pulling up blanks. Then out of the blue I run across something that sets off that drive, that need, to address a topic that I can feel passionate about. Something that hits so close to home that it cannot be ignored. This is just such a post.
There are some very serious questions I find myself asking on a daily basis as a way of judging where I need to go on a given day; Who was I yesterday? Who am I today? and Who do I hope to be tomorrow?
I have found that the answer sometimes changes,sometimes stays the same, and then there are days I just don’t have an answer. I guess in the end the reason for that is because I’ve been asking the wrong question, and for the wrong reasons.
You see, this questioning has been in regards to being male or female and how I think I want to present myself.
I’ve been thinking this way because I have allowed myself to fall into the trap of seeing myself only in regards to what those around me insist on seeing in me. The problem of course is that I am more than the flesh I carry around. I am more than what people see as male or female and I am more than simply masculine or feminine.
In seeking to define myself in terms that society insists on, I have restricted the truth of who I am.
At times I feel like a woman inside a man’s body, other times I feel masculine, a man in the correct body. There are times when I take on being MTF, dressing, using makeup, striving to present a complete image and there are times I feel no such desire.
At this point, I have decided to accept these MTF feelings, but keep the male body and identity. In this way I feel like I am being true to who I am, by simply being myself. When I feel the need, I can dress up and present as the woman I am inside.
I am learning to stop labeling behaviors as masculine and feminine. Behaviors are not tied to gender. The same as thoughts and feelings. Our gender should not define us, it should compliment us.
In the end there is only one truth:
I am human, nothing more, nothing less.