My last two posts were really dealing with the same issue; fear. I’ll admit that in the end I am scared to death of facing myself.
I am scared of invalidation.
I am scared that when I finally face myself in the reflection of someone else’s eyes, I will find that I am not what I have come to believe is true of myself.
I imagine this is nothing new to all the others who have walked this path before me, I’m sure everyone has had doubts. Everyone has had those times when they look in the mirror and wonder what they have been thinking. After all, if you talk to most of the people around you, you will find that they have never had any of the thoughts or questions that have been driving you to distraction. I know that is where I am right now. I have asked questions, I have sought opinions, and I have looked for validation from those around me and have found that they, one and all, have never really even thought of the things that I have.
Never thought, fantasized, or dreamed of being the opposite gender, the thought never even crossed their minds,
They have never thought about dressing as the opposite gender other than as a joke for Halloween.. and most times not even then.
They have never really wondered if they were in the wrong body.
They could never imagine, even for a moment, waking up one day and being the opposite gender even for an hour.
They have never questioned if they thought or acted as the opposite gender. They never wanted to and if they did it would mean that they were acting “gay”, not as an actual member of the opposite gender.
When forced to consider gender roles they never wondered if they were in the wrong one.
The question is then, why do I think this way? Why do I ask myself these questions? Just what is wrong with me?
In trying to find answers, I have basically self diagnosed. Doing research online, looking to blogs and forums and web sites.
I have taken the stupid online tests that really don’t tell you anything that you don’t want to hear.
I have tried to question myself, my motivations, my memories, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams.
I have, and continue to question everything, not to talk myself out of accepting who I am, but to know.. to know with as much certainty as I can, that what I believe to be true is indeed true.
I have lived one lie after another, after another until I am at a point where I simply do not trust myself. I don’t trust my feelings, my thoughts, my memories.
So in the end, I fear that I will be invalidated, that I will find that this is nothing more than another self deception. That I am the worst kind of liar… someone who can’t even be honest with herself.
But as I said, I can’t live in constant fear, I cannot refuse to face myself. To face the truth no matter what that truth might prove to be.
I have to know.
Once and for all, I have to know.
When I strip everything else away, this is the truth I cannot escape.
I am afraid.
I am terrified.