Fears

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My last two posts were really dealing with the same issue; fear. I’ll admit that in the end I am scared to death of facing myself. 

I am scared of invalidation.

I am scared that when I finally face myself in the reflection of someone else’s eyes, I will find that I am not what I have come to believe is true of myself. 

I imagine this is nothing new to all the others who have walked this path before me, I’m sure everyone has had doubts. Everyone has had those times when they look in the mirror and wonder what they have been thinking. After all, if you talk to most of the people around you, you will find that they have never had any of the thoughts or questions that have been driving you to distraction. I know that is where I am right now. I have asked questions, I have sought opinions, and I have looked for validation from those around me and have found that they, one and all, have never really even thought of the things that I have.

Never thought, fantasized, or dreamed of being the opposite gender, the thought never even crossed their minds,

They have never thought about dressing as the opposite gender other than as a joke for Halloween.. and most times not even then.

They have never really wondered if they were in the wrong body.

They could never imagine, even for a moment, waking up one day and being the opposite gender even for an hour.

They have never questioned if they thought or acted as the opposite gender. They never wanted to and if they did it would mean that they were acting “gay”, not as an actual member of the opposite gender.

When forced to consider gender roles they never wondered if they were in the wrong one.

The question is then, why do I think this way? Why do I ask myself these questions? Just what is wrong with me?

In trying to find answers, I have basically self diagnosed. Doing research online, looking to blogs and forums and web sites.

I have taken the stupid online tests that really don’t tell you anything that you don’t want to hear.

I have tried to question myself, my motivations, my memories, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams.

I have, and continue to question everything, not to talk myself out of accepting who I am, but to know.. to know with as much certainty as I can, that what I believe to be true is indeed true.

I have lived one lie after another, after another until I am at a point where I simply do not trust myself. I don’t trust my feelings, my thoughts, my memories.

Nothing.

So in the end, I fear that I will be invalidated, that I will find that this is nothing more than another self deception. That I am the worst kind of liar… someone who can’t even be honest with herself.

But as I said, I can’t live in constant fear, I cannot refuse to face myself. To face the truth no matter what that truth might prove to be.

I have to know.

Once and for all, I have to know.

When I strip everything else away, this is the truth I cannot escape.

I am afraid.

I am terrified.

Of myself.

 

23 thoughts on “Fears

  1. Kira,

    You would be surprised to how many people the thought of switching genders have crossed their minds more than a few times in their lifetimes but have as quickly been lost in the struggle of living. Those of us who act on these impulses are regarded as special people by Native American culture as “Two Spirit People”, who act and dress in both roles and who are given a place of honor for our ability to see beyond the gender typed roles we play. A friend of mine, with whom I have done deep men’s work and who works for the New Mexico Dept. of Mental Health has told me he has known quite a few in the course of his work when I first told him of myself having two spirits alive in me. As hard as I tried to live in my sacred masculine through that work, it was through it that I finally realized my true calling and it was to those men in my group that I first revealed myself in that safe, sacred space, weeks before I finally came out to all. If you can make your therapy a safe and sacred space, you have the opportunity to finally “get a hold of yourself”, dear Kira.

    Deanna

    1. Deanna,
      I don’t doubt that many people have had cross gender thoughts, dreams or fantasies, after all there are 6 billion people on this dirt ball we call home, if just 1% have had such thoughts, that’s millions of people.
      In my small circle of people I interact with however, none of them have had anything that they remember, and several were very much against the whole idea. Of course I have to go out of my way to ask these questions, people think I’m strange as it is, and I’m sure one is convinced that I’m gay. I really don’t want to give the gossips more ammo than they already have.
      As far as “getting a hold of myself”… well I don’t know what I’m going to find out about myself and that is what my fears are really based on. I know what my heart and mind are telling me, the thing is, I don’t trust myself. I spent years fooling myself into thinking I was one thing and now I am saying I’m something else. I just want to know the truth of who I am.

      Kira

      1. Kira, I have no doubt that people will tell you that they have not had such thoughts and that does not discount what I said one bit. Because human memory is a survival mechanism that long ago replaced instinct as in the rest of the animal and plant kingdoms, humans have the ability to repress thoughts if their survival is at stake by remembering them.

        I will give you an example. People are afraid of being SLGBTQ. The fact is that we are born with the potential for all of it and no one understands why some go in one direction or another, we just do. The problem is that societal imperatives for what is considered “normal” is strong and is all about the survival of the society as it believes itself to be.

        I repressed the thoughts that resurfaced thousands of times for 62 years of my belief that I was supposed to have been my mother’s daughter as the survival of the personality I had spent a lifetime building depended on it. Then for some unknown reason that changed and it became a matter of my survival to come to grips with this truth to be that daughter, even though my parents are both gone.

        Embracing who you are is damn scary, Kira, and I feel with you the terror you are up against. The truth is that you already know the truth of what is so for you and therapy will bear that out, not make you a liar. I am with you all the way and wish you the greatest happiness that is awaiting you on the other side of the fear. You have survived so far, why should you not continue to do so. Deanna

      2. Yes, given all that I have struggled with over these past months, I think I have a very good idea of what I’m going to find when I can finally get past this fear. Though I believe I know what I am facing and I have accepted it to a certain degree, I wonder what will happen if I can fully embrace my true self, It will be an interesting journey indeed.

        Kira

  2. I really enjoy visiting your blog. I hope you don’t mind but I have nominated you for the Liebster award – please see my post dated 12.5.12 for the details 🙂

  3. I don’t blame you for keeping to yourself about this.

    You have told me to find people around who I can talk to about this. And I have. The hard thing is to go a step further and walk the walk. Finding someone who knows how good of a person you are, knows the truth, and allows you to be in touch with yourself is the best way to take on your fears. I know you don’t have many friends around you, so walking through with this may not even be an option. You’re almost completely by yourself – how I was when I began – and I get it…

    So what can be done to get you out of this loop that you yourself can see in your writing? If there is no one you can confide in locally, I would take the only course of action to find my answer (or at least talk with someone who might vaguely get it): I’d find that therapist, do a free consult to see if you feel good about them, and go from there. Without the small circle of support I have, I may have become frustrated enough to do the same.

    But you…You need this. You & I needed this. You & I & everyone else trying to make sense of all this apparent nonsensical truth that’s purely an innate self-discovery need this. You aren’t alone in this. Not completely.

    Understand that no matter what, someone on this earth is going to invalidate you. You’ve read of my invalidations. It happens, even when I plan ahead, and it fucking sucks. However, this isn’t for them because they didn’t ask for this. It’s for me and you and all the others who also didn’t ask for this.

    The goal here is to believe this so wholeheartedly that you will do whatever it takes to bring out the girl inside of you. To overcome the fear of yourself, bite the bullet, learn the lessons, and give [her]self a chance. Even if this is only as far as talking to a therapist who claims to deal with TG struggles. It’s a step.

    Hun, you CANNOT stay where you are or this will continue. You CAN warm up, make a deadline, psych yourself up for how ever long, and make a move purely out of fear, frustration, and desperation. Just like I have.

    P.S. If you have turned off the Renai switch, I understand. My seemingly flippant apology in my latest was to you and people around me in general who I don’t even know. The length of my comments continue to increase because I care. Probably too much, but I do.

    1. I have the chance to seek a local recommendation from my son’s therapist later this month, in less than two weeks as a matter of fact, that’s the thing that has stirred up my fears about seeking to get things on a track forward. From there I hope to find more resources, we’ll see.
      As for that Ren’Ai switch, I have never even thought of turning it off. I often don’t comment because I am checking on posts during my break times at work and I simply don’t have the time I need to make a proper response, if that led to you thinking that I wasn’t interested in what you have to say, then I am truly sorry. That was never my intention.
      In fact, I just received a nomination for the Liebster Award and i would like to nominate you too if you don’t mind.

      Hugs
      Kira

      1. Oh I see. So you do have a deadline. I hope you can make the choice that is right for you at this time. My words are only objective suggestions made in confidence.

        I didn’t think that your lack of commentary was a sign of some sort. I just know I’m a bit headstrong for my own good and while dealing with such sensitive matters, I do second-guess myself. I not only care, I’m also surprisingly vulnerable and silly. :3

        An award nomination? Me? Well thank you but I have no idea how this–just looked it up. Someone was awarded it just 5 days ago. Very precarious, but interesting nonetheless. I don’t mind & appreciate it. 🙂

        ~Hugs~

      2. Nothing wrong with being headstrong… I’ve been accused of that myself on a few occasions! 😀

        And you certainly deserve an award for sharing your thoughts and experiences, not to mention just for being a caring person. 🙂

  4. I hope that you are able to see a therapist soon. It’s maddening to attempt to work through this relying on only our own perspectives. We have so much wrapped up in our identities and the possible consequences of accepting ourselves not as we feel we need to be for our friends family, and society, but as we need to be to be complete and happy. Trying to sort through it all without an external, objective person can be futile. A therapist will allow you to share all of the things that you just can’t with friends, family, or even on your blog. Freeing yourself of the things that have been secret throughout your life—things that you may have been afraid or embarrassed to share—is a huge relief.

    When I first started seeing a therapist, I suspected that I was trans, but I attempted to fight it. I came up with several different explanations about why I felt the way that I did, and my therapist called me out on my BS each time 🙂 After about six sessions, my therapist suggested we suspend them, as I was fighting so hard to make other excuses for my feelings. After a few months out of therapy, I let go of that part of me that didn’t want this to be true because of fears of being a pariah. I was finally ready to begin my transition.

    By the way, for years I thought that everyone felt the same way that I did, and it was only because of society’s strict enforcement of male gender roles that so few made any changes or talked openly about it. It sounds a little silly now, but when my therapist told me that men don’t want to be women, that was a revelation for me.

    Anyway, I wish you luck! It’s not an easy process, but it does get easier as it goes along. I’ve been on hormones for nearly two years now and will have FFS in August. All of my family, friends, and coworkers now know about me, and the vast majority of people have been supportive. Those who haven’t been supportive have just been silent—I have yet to have anyone really react badly to this. I found that I was much harder on myself than anyone else has been, and now I’m happier than I’ve ever been in life.

    1. Thank you, your words give me hope that things will sort themselves out as time goes along. There will be chance soon to try and find a therapist, I am hoping that talking to someone who has been trained to deal with these issues will help.
      Maybe it helps that I am willing to accept that I’m Trans, that at this point my bigest hang up is not trusting myself to really be what I think that I am. Being able to work through these feelings should give me the chance to trust myself for once.

  5. I’ve just recently come out as gay, and I know that being trans presents a different set of obstacles (internal and external), but there’s an experience that I’ve had that might resonate with your concerns here. I’ve tended to think a lot about being gay in the last six months or so, and when I go for most of the day without actively pondering the proof that I’m gay (my reactions to other men, for instance), I get the thought, Oh no! Maybe I was wrong! Maybe I’m really straight and just wanted to get out of a miserable marriage! Then I realize: no, I’m just being a normal person. Once you’re more comfortable with your mental transition, you won’t need to think about it all the time like you do when you first realize the truth about yourself. We’re human beings first; when you catch yourself acting like the normal human being you are, don’t use that to doubt the new information you’re accepting about yourself.

    1. Thank you so much for your thoughts, more than anything it helps to know that even if the details are different, others have had to deal with similar things and found a way through.

      Kira

  6. At an early age I felt different. It wasn’t until I was 30ish they could diagnose me as having Kleinfelter’s syndrome. Knowing that gave me a physical (genetical) basis as to how come I enjoyed both masculine and feminine roles – here I am 60ish and have made peace with that part of who I am – for years I hid in deep dark shame – for most of my life I felt invisible and invalidated – ignored. Only I can validate myself – only you can validate yourself – it does no good to outsource one’s experiential truth – the magic of self acceptance starts as we being loving ourselves and being gentle with ourselves….at least thats my journey so far…thank you for sharing yours. I feel enriched having stumbled upon your closet.

    1. It is true that only I can validate myself. It really is one thing to know and accept something with your heart, it is another to let that truth become reality in your mind.

      1. Kira, it is really quite simple to change the conditioned “truth” that resides in our mind to better fit the deeper truth of our experience which we feel in our heart. All we have to do is understand that we make up stories all the time – stories which explain and define for us what the “truth” spoken in our minds is. Once we see that – all you have to do is make up a story that fits your reality as you experience now.

        For some examples of that – i invite you to check out my blog or pick up a book by Pema Chodren called “Taking the Leap.”

      2. I will check your blog, I’ve been meaning to take some time and read all of it already, so this is as good as reason as I could ask for.

        Kira

  7. One of the young people I know is having surgery this month to become a woman. I am sorry, I don’t even really know the right words to use, and hope I am not being offensive. I just wanted to say that having witnessed her journey, without knowing for years exactly what was going on (and she herself did not know what was going on sometimes), but loving her and believing in her essential value as a person and wanting so much for her to find her way to valuing herself as much as I value her — having had just a glimpse of her journey, I wish you strength and courage as you make your own way. Remember, courage is not the absence of fear. It is ___ even though you experience fear at the same time. You can fill in the blank. I would suggest, it is being you and being ever increasingly you, even as you experience your fear. You are a gifted writer and you are a very sensitive person. I have no doubt that you feel things more intensely than most. That is a gift and a burden, it seems. Thank you for sharing your heart and soul with me.

    1. Thank you for the kind words, they really do help more than can be expressed with words. Please pass along my hope that the young lady comes through her surgery with flying colors and a speedy recovery, most of all I hope that she chan find happiness in a full and long life as the person she has always known herself to be.

      Best Wishes,
      Kira

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