Strange Days

 

This has been such a strange day, not bad as these days go, but not what I expected.

For one, I find that I am beginning to have better conversations with one of my female coworkers, at times it almost seems like we’re just two girls talking. Of course I have no idea how she sees things, but that’s just how I feel about it.

Also, talking with A seems to be feeling the same way more and more, and I actually know this is the way she views it too because she has told me so. I find this rather satisfying on a number of levels, but I remain cautious that I might be reading too much into things. I guess only time will tell.

Another thing is that I although I seem to catch myself doing one of those, “that wasn’t smart (insert male name here)”, I am doing so less and I don’t berate myself when it happens. After all, that was the name I thought of myself as for much longer time than I have as Kira. It’s okay to slip up from time to time, I am human after all…

I still feel like I’m not quite back in gear, there are hours on end when I just seem to be idling along, but I am starting to view them as a rest period before all hell breaks loose again.

When will that happen? Well the time when I can at least come out about this to a therapist, in an effort to get a referral, is getting closer and closer, less than two weeks…

I guess most of the time I’m trying to not even think about it. 

The very thought of telling someone else makes my queasy. I know this is something I have to do, something that I need to do. I simply cannot fool myself into thinking that I can handle all this by myself. If there was any way I could, I would, but I have to be honest with myself and admit that this is simply too big, too complicated, and too mentally difficult. I need someone who can help me get this mess straightened out.

Doesn’t keep me from wanting to throw up though….