Well, things took another step forward today. I was contacted by the owner of the therapy group that I hope to get into. She was very understanding and agreed that I should at least do a consult. She even mentioned a support group that she thinks I might be able to join and she is going to check for me. I have some things that need to be checked before I can schedule an appointment, so I’m waiting to hear back… hope I have some news soon.
Again, I have to say that the further things move along, the more nervous I get. This is something i never thought I would actually do…. at this point I have the shakes so bad I have to keep getting up because I can’t hold the mouse or type well enough to make complete sentences.
I have to say, speaking to another person about this was nerve racking. Although I have written about this all through this blog, it is such a different experience to speak the words out loud. To tell someone I have never met this secret. Don’t get me wrong, the person I spoke to was very kind and understanding and didn’t seem bothered in the least. She also recommended that I see one of the female therapists without being asked. I thought that was very nice. The thought of trying to talk to a man about this wasn’t something I could ever consider.
The funny thing is, despite everything, I feel rather relieved. As I said, things seem to be moving forward. Such a nice change from the up and down way of things as I’ve tried to work though this pretty much alone. I guess that in the end trying to deal with all my other issues on top of this has just been more than I can handle. That I have managed to deal with my episodes of depression, even when they got to a dangerous point, is a miracle. Though maybe, just maybe, had I been seeing someone for that alone I might have avoided the truth about myself. I don’t know if I could have admitted any of this to myself, let alone anyone else, (even a therapist), is a question I will never be able to answer. The fact is that my repressing this likely caused or at least aggravated my depression, even knowing that, I don’t know if I could have told, especially if I was seeing a male therapist.
No matter what, there is really no turning back now… though to be honest, I think I passed that point the moment I let myself admit the truth of who I am…
4 thoughts on “No Turning Back Now”
I believe that the more you can feel free to express who you are the easier it will become. I takes so much more energy to deny yourself than to accept yourself and this first step, as big as it seems today, will become more and more insignificant with each new step you take. Best wishes, Kira on this huge, huge, step forward. Kisses, Deanna
Thank you, One day I might not even remember this, much as I do not remember my first steps as a child, still, without this, there could no others.
i honestly think this is why i like to read your blog so much. because its reassuring for me to know there is someone else out there who feels a part of themselves confined to writing or to a blog. (and no im not trying to say this in a rude or mean way, just a thought.)
I thought it neither rude nor mean. I know what you are saying and I understand.