Tonight; Between the Fire and the Void

 

I tried to do something tonight that I haven’t done for some time…
I tried to go into full shut down. To just let my mind go blank, thinking of nothing. To shut down my emotions and float in a void…

I couldn’t do it. The thoughts and feelings just keep gnawing away at me and I’m unable to stop them…

Right now I have the music turned up as loud as I can stand without making my ears bleed and still that damn voice that whispers in my mind won’t be quiet…

That feeling that I’m full of shit, that all I’ve done is live one lie after another, won’t quit digging at me, undermining my confidence in myself, who I think I am…

At this point I don’t know myself any more… I doubt that I ever really knew myself at all…

I think of myself and what I thought I saw there and I don’t know what to think. Nothing makes any sense any more.
I was so sure I understood the thing I had unleashed in my head but now? I just don’t know.

Maybe I’m trying to avoid the truth of who I am. Maybe some part of me is unwilling to accept the truth, whatever that might be…

To be honest, I wish I could just shut down, to disappear into my own head and never come back. Leave behind this shell.

As it is, I am caught in the strangest place. There is a numbness in my head and yet it feels as if my chest is burning. As if my heart is being turned to ash.
Part of me wants to shed my old life, everything I was for so many years, but part of me wants to cling to who I was, discarding this new reality and returning to what was, no matter how bad it might have been.

Yes, I find it impossible to not doubt myself, my thoughts, my feelings. I just can’t grasp this. I can’t get myself around who I have become…

I wish I had better words to explain what is tearing through me. I wish that I could let everything inside just pour out onto these pages. That the tears that I cry would become the thoughts that would make this clear even as my vision blurs….

4 thoughts on “Tonight; Between the Fire and the Void

  1. I’m not entirely sure what would be the use of “shutting down” when you’d just have to power on all over again and accept what is in front of you. Fact is, you have moments of clarity after thinking and letting yourself just “be”, but then you over-think yourself back to this place.

    This has happened to me as well, but there are things that I have already accepted once before. It’s all a matter of remembering why and finding a way to maintain that mindset while occupying myself with important things that matter most. Otherwise, I’ll just fall back down into the muck of doubt because reasoning any of this, in the end, is still too much to figure out on my own.

    The same goes for you I feel.

    You have all the answers and sensibilities you need to keep yourself sane in your own blog entries written by your own hands. You have already come to terms with a number of things you are troubled by at this time by over-thinking and not focusing on the small battles won. Looking as back into your journey as two or three days ago may be your best saving grace and comfort to stomp out the bullshit negativity you’ve already found a way out of once before.

    Reread. Remember. Respond.

    Also, if you still want to “shut down”, find a coping hobby that will keep you afloat. Walking, reading, online games. Something you know that will fill you with positive feelings. There are so many options at your fingertips that you could enjoy, clear your head, and release tension with. “Shutting down” is another form of depression to just accept everything & sink. No offense, but you aren’t a very good swimmer…

    Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear. I’m good at that. ~Hugs~

    1. Ren’Ai

      Thank you for this comment, There are times that I am just too smart for my own good… or maybe too dumb…
      You have pointed out something that never even crossed my mind, to go back and reread the things I have posted here… and that was part of the reason I started this thing in the first place.

      I know that I am my own worst enemy, that like last night, if given the chance I will find a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory… maybe I should rename this blog, Home of the Cubs… LOL

      As for “Shutting Down”, as much I might desire that from time to time, I don’t think that’s a very good option even if I could manage it. I need to keep things around me that will distract me, the last thing I need to do is push everything under the surface where it can fester.

      On a final note; just because I may not want to hear something does not mean that I do not need to hear it. If there is something you think I need to know, tell me. Even if it makes me mad, I’ll get over it.

      ((Hugs))

      Kira

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