Gender, Transgender, Transgendered

Continuation

Kira2

Following my last post…

I realized something after I hit the “Post” button…

Yesterday I was asked a question; 

Is it possible that my gender issues stem from me rebelling against the “be a man” message I received from my father? 

I know it was asked in a genuine effort to find answers, but it has burrowed into my heart.

One question, just one, has completely destroyed my confidence and sent me questioning myself again, as if I haven’t doubted myself enough already. 

I don’t have an answer to this question. I wish I did. I wish I could say without doubt that these thoughts and feelings stem from the way I was made….. but I can’t.

If I can’t answer, what does that mean? 

I have asked before if all this might be in my head and nothing more than a fantasy run wild…

What do I do if that turns out to be the truth?

At this point all I want to do is crawl into bed, to have these past months be nothing more than one of those bad “it was just a dream” television seasons that I always hated so much. I just want to wake up and be like the people around me…

Yes, I will say it. Normal. 

Just a guy who doesn’t have questions as to what he is or what he was meant to be.

Just a guy….

What a complete and utter joke. It would be funny if it didn’t hurt so much.

I have never in my life known what it meant to be “normal” or a “guy”. 

I have always been on the outside looking in and I never really understood why. 

I thought maybe I had found at least part of the answer…. but now?

Now maybe I’m just crazy. Maybe my brian has never really worked correctly and I was finding all the “right” answers to all the wrong” questions.

I can’t tell you how many times I have thought I had figured something out only to find that I had no idea what the hell I was talking about.

Might it be I have done so again?

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5 thoughts on “Continuation

  1. Here is my perspective, dear Kira.

    If someone asks me a question like the one you were asked the other day, I see no reason to oblige an answer, even to myself, if it was never a question that I have asked myself in the first place. Sure, I might try and answer the question in my mind and sure it’s possible, but since it was their question, not mine and it had never occurred to me before the question was asked, why should I worry about whether it could be true or not?

    Deanna

    • Deanna,
      In some ways I agree that I need not answer the question. For me the problem is who asked the question in the first place, which was someone who I think needs to force me to face the possibility. As you pointed out, it wasn’t something I would ask if myself.
      I doubt this person realized just how much this would cause me problems, knowing as they do some of my other issues. Never the less, the question has been asked and I cannot forget it, so now I will have to find some way to deal with it.

      Kira

      • Kira, I agree that now that the ball is in your court, that you either have to play it or let it go, as even the best of tennis players know when to do one or the other. Yet, even tennis players know that no one is forcing them to do one or the other, except themselves.
        Yes, he probably didn’t know how much that it would cause you problems and although you may not be able ignore it, you still have a choice to play it or not. I wish you all the best! Deanna

      • Deanna,
        Your right, in many ways it is my choice, to face this now or bury it and let it fester, eating away at me like I have done so many times before.
        I would rather bat this ball down and out of play than allow it to bounce around until it hits me in the butt.
        While my confidence has taken a hit, I am not going to just give up. I can’t. I won’t.

        Kira

      • Kira,
        If you don’t mind, I want to make an important distinction between a choice and a decision because I am clear that our perspectives on life are light years apart but yet the possibility of bridging the gap is within our grasp.
        The word “de-cide” like the words “homi-cide” “patri-cide” or sui-cide literally means “to murder the alternative.” To say that you can face this now or bury it is an either/or consideration and is therefore a decision, not a choice.
        On the other hand, a choice means “to select freely, AND after consideration” meaning that you can consider all the alternatives, weigh one against another, and then “select freely” based on what your heart tells you and not what your mind has considered.
        As an example, if I were to offer you the choice between vanilla or chocolate ice cream and suppose you said vanilla. Then I asked you why you chose vanilla and you gave me a reason why you chose vanilla over chocolate, that would be a decision, not a choice. For vanilla to be a choice, the only answer that you could give as to why you chose vanilla would be “because I chose vanilla and not chocolate.”Can you see the difference?
        BTW, I didn’t come up with by myself, I learned about this in 1977 when I took the est training (http://www.erhardseminarstraining.com/).
        Now I must sleep as it is 3 am local time!
        Deanna

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