Following my last post…
I realized something after I hit the “Post” button…
Yesterday I was asked a question;
Is it possible that my gender issues stem from me rebelling against the “be a man” message I received from my father?
I know it was asked in a genuine effort to find answers, but it has burrowed into my heart.
One question, just one, has completely destroyed my confidence and sent me questioning myself again, as if I haven’t doubted myself enough already.
I don’t have an answer to this question. I wish I did. I wish I could say without doubt that these thoughts and feelings stem from the way I was made….. but I can’t.
If I can’t answer, what does that mean?
I have asked before if all this might be in my head and nothing more than a fantasy run wild…
What do I do if that turns out to be the truth?
At this point all I want to do is crawl into bed, to have these past months be nothing more than one of those bad “it was just a dream” television seasons that I always hated so much. I just want to wake up and be like the people around me…
Yes, I will say it. Normal.
Just a guy who doesn’t have questions as to what he is or what he was meant to be.
Just a guy….
What a complete and utter joke. It would be funny if it didn’t hurt so much.
I have never in my life known what it meant to be “normal” or a “guy”.
I have always been on the outside looking in and I never really understood why.
I thought maybe I had found at least part of the answer…. but now?
Now maybe I’m just crazy. Maybe my brian has never really worked correctly and I was finding all the “right” answers to all the wrong” questions.
I can’t tell you how many times I have thought I had figured something out only to find that I had no idea what the hell I was talking about.
Might it be I have done so again?