I wrote part one of this post several hours ago but now, after some more time to think and having a chance to talk to A, I find I have more I need to talk out.
Up until this point I had found it possible to take a mental step back and change gears, so to speak. Slipping off the male mentality I lived in for so many years and, at least in my own thoughts and self image, move into a feminine mindset. For at least a week now, I have found this a more and more difficult process. The male keeps intruding, keeps insisting on being dominate and it has left me in an ever deepening depression. My thoughts and emotions have become a morass I have to fight through just to make it from one hour to the next. There are occasions, moments of clarity when I can almost find the place where I am not just comfortable but where I am most myself. Long ago I fell into this vapid pit and didn’t come back. I am terrified of doing so again.
This is such a difficult thing to explain. I know most people never have a reason to deal with the thoughts and emotions which so often rage through my mind. It is something they just cannot understand and to that I say; be thankful. This is a roller coaster ride from hell.
The times I have had when mentally I am fully myself, with all those years of baggage left behind to be almost euphoric. How can I explain the feelings of escaping a suffocating membrane that has surrounded me for so long I almost forgot it was there?
Something I find to complicate matters is the difference between what I feel in the way I think, the way I see myself, the way in which I accept my thoughts and emotions and the way I view my physical body. There are many things I have never liked about myself, my appearance, my body shape, even my hair, and yet, I never found myself standing in the bathroom contemplating removing body parts. Simply put, I do not have body dysphoria, or maybe it’s genital dysphoria. I view what I have as gender dysphoria. My mental sense of myself, of who I am, of what I am, does not match with what people expect given my appearance or my sexual organs.
Between my ears I am, always have been and always will be female. A female born with certain deformities, but female none the less. I managed to fool myself for years, to put on a costume of expected behaviors and mannerisms, to the point I had deceived myself into thinking I was what other assumed. All the while my true self, that woman I sought so hard to deny, was fighting to be free. In so many ways I think of myself as someone who was abducted as a child and then brainwashed into thinking they were someone else. They may have accepted a new name, a new life, in an effort to survive but somewhere deep inside the truth was fighting to be free.
I was brainwashed. First by my parents who would never except my truth, and then by a society which makes assumptions based on a false sense of understanding what truly makes a person male or female. Lastly I was brainwashed by my own need to survive. I became what others insisted I was just to maintain my sanity and my safety.
Now I need to rid myself of the brainwashing. I need to be free of the lies, the assumptions. I am trying so hard to strip away the false identity and find my true self. That child who knew herself so long ago.
This is made more difficult by things beyond my control. By promises made and responsibilities taken. Yes, there are things which bind me because I allow them to, because I could never be true to myself if I didn’t, yet they are restrictions none the less and being such, make this much more difficult.
Some days I wonder if the critics aren’t right. Maybe I am delusional, maybe I am crazy. Maybe I suffer from some mental disorder. I guess it doesn’t matter in the end, I am who I am. I am what I am.
I pray for a day when all of this is behind me and I am free to simply be. Without question, without doubt, without fear.