I’m A Mess Part 2

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I wrote part one of this post several hours ago but now, after some more time to think and having a chance to talk to A, I find I have more I need to talk out.

Up until this point I had found it possible to take a mental step back and change gears, so to speak. Slipping off the male mentality I lived in for so many years and, at least in my own thoughts and self image, move into a feminine mindset. For at least a week now, I have found this a more and more difficult process. The male keeps intruding, keeps insisting on being dominate and it has left me in an ever deepening depression. My thoughts and emotions have become a morass I have to fight through just to make it from one hour to the next. There are occasions, moments of clarity when I can almost find the place where I am not just comfortable but where I am most myself. Long ago I fell into this vapid pit and didn’t come back. I am terrified of doing so again.

This is such a difficult thing to explain. I know most people never have a reason to deal with the thoughts and emotions which so often rage through my mind. It is something they just cannot understand and to that I say; be thankful. This is a roller coaster ride from hell.

The times I have had when mentally I am fully myself, with all those years of baggage left behind to be almost euphoric. How can I explain the feelings of escaping a suffocating membrane that has surrounded me for so long I almost forgot it was there?

Something I find to complicate matters is the difference between what I feel in the way I think, the way I see myself, the way in which I accept my thoughts and emotions and the way I view my physical body. There are many things I have never liked about myself, my appearance, my body shape, even my hair, and yet, I never found myself standing in the bathroom contemplating removing body parts. Simply put, I do not have body dysphoria, or maybe it’s genital dysphoria. I view what I have as gender dysphoria. My mental sense of myself, of who I am, of what I am, does not match with what people expect given my appearance or my sexual organs.

Between my ears I am, always have been and always will be female. A female born with certain deformities, but female none the less. I managed to fool myself for years, to put on a costume of expected behaviors and mannerisms, to the point I had deceived myself into thinking I was what other assumed. All the while my true self, that woman I sought so hard to deny, was fighting to be free. In so many ways I think of myself as someone who was abducted as a child and then brainwashed into thinking they were someone else. They may have accepted a new name, a new life, in an effort to survive but somewhere deep inside the truth was fighting to be free.

I was brainwashed. First by my parents who would never except my truth, and then by a society which makes assumptions based on a false sense of understanding what truly makes a person male or female. Lastly I was brainwashed by my own need to survive. I became what others insisted I was just to maintain my sanity and my safety.

Now I need to rid myself of the brainwashing. I need to be free of the lies, the assumptions. I am trying so hard to strip away the false identity and find my true self. That child who knew herself so long ago.

This is made more difficult by things beyond my control. By promises made and responsibilities taken. Yes, there are things which bind me because I allow them to, because I could never be true to myself if I didn’t, yet they are restrictions none the less and being such, make this much more difficult.

Some days I wonder if the critics aren’t right. Maybe I am delusional, maybe I am crazy. Maybe I suffer from some mental disorder. I guess it doesn’t matter in the end, I am who I am. I am what I am.

I pray for a day when all of this is behind me and I am free to simply be. Without question, without doubt, without fear.

11 thoughts on “I’m A Mess Part 2

  1. My heart goes out to you. I have nothing soothing or intelligent to say though. I know I struggled with rage for years – not the same – but still things I was subject to live with. Adrenaline release turned out to be good therapy for me. It came in the form of joining the military and running myself into the ground, only to come out stronger and discover that weight lifting or boxing – even running – was medicinal for me to remove some of the self(hatred) I had. I know. Not very helpful. But you deserve to be free of this. I just don’t know how that path unfolds, or maybe it is … and it’s obviously a painfully slow process.

    1. I think all of us have our demons to fight. As you say, the hard part is to find the best way to do so, and for each of us it is different. The hardest thing for me is to believe there will come a time when these doubts and fears will be behind me. I just have to find a way to make it through the rough spots first. Not easy I know, but possible. I have to believe that, otherwise I would never have the strength to continue.

      1. I was so disappointed in what I wrote to you, it’s bothered me for days. I hope you don’t think i’m so naive to think that running or punching something is going to be a happy-fix. 😦 i will make an effort to be more considerate in my future comments :s i do commend you for being able to share your journey all the same. Feeling supported and loved no matter where you are in life is so important.

      2. I never thought you naive. One of the things about conversing through the written word is how difficult it can be to convey the intent behind what is being written. It is something I understand all too well, so please, don’t worry about it.

  2. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel or what you are going through. I only feel the pain through your writing. I wish that we could all live just being ourselves without having to worry about being categorized or typed.This is only a dream & I am only one person. But – I know there are others out there who live this dream & accept people simply for being themselves. (I hope that made sense). Love & hugs to you Kira.

  3. I know one thing in the time I’ve been following you, Kira: you are not crazy. You have issues, but not the full subscription (if I may crack a joke about it). While I’ll never fully understand what you’re feeling, I understand enough. You are a beautiful, brave, wonderful person. You put the needs of your family before your own needs, and I commend you for this. I know it hurts and that it’s difficult, but please, please, please don’t lose hope.

    It’s funny. I’m very clearly female and identify my gender as feminine for the most part. But I refuse to conform to a lot of the preconceptions about what women are supposed look and act like. And that works for me. I hope and pray that someday you can find a way to make your gender identity work for you.

    Keep pushing through this, Kira. We are all supporting you on this journey.

  4. I am not sure that I will help, as you know from my writing I define myself as trans and live full time as a trans women on HRT who has breasts and who is planning surgery early next year. I live and work as a woman and never considered myself to have body dysphoria just clearly, for me, was born in the wrong body. But I felt (as nearly every trans woman or man I know did) all the feelings you are experiencing now when I had to view my body as separate from the mind. It felt like I was losing my mind, for a good few years it felt like utter madness. But how can it not ? When you present to the world as one gender but most definitely feel inside completely different.
    You, I notice, say quite often how you do not feel you need to change anything about your body (although you do feel a pull to HRT) but without changing your body you present as you always did but inside you have opened your heart and soul to the ‘real you – Kira’. You have to find a way of making this easier on yourself, plan for a time when you can express yourself, plan for a time when maybe you can take HRT. HRT made me feel sane, it linked together, for me, the body and mind. That is the struggle of this journey.
    I’m just not sure that describing yourself as not having body dysphoria is helping you, in one way it posits or puts forward the idea that to change your body would be wrong, should it? Maybe allow yourself the notion that one day, maybe not now, you could.
    Sorry if this has been no help Kira but you are a kindred spirit dealing with specific trans issues, no you do not seem to have body dysphoria but you were, like myself and thousands of others, clearly born in the wrong frame. Actually marrying up the mind and body is the challenge, you cannot keep them separate.
    Thoughts always
    Juno

    1. What you have said has been helpful. It has certainly given me a lot to think about. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts, it makes a difference hearing from someone who has been through this.

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