My last few posts have been difficult for a number of reasons, all of them self inflicted. This is what I do to myself time and again. I seek out those things which can, (and do), cause me the most pain. When I was younger, it would be seeking physical as well as mental or emotional pain in an effort to break through the growing numbness. To free myself of the depression, free myself from the abyss. I suppose, as I am still in this world, it must have worked to some degree or other, but now I wonder at the cost. To myself, to those around me as they watched me self destruct.

In this case I sought out the most painful thing I could think of in a effort to force a reconnection with the real person inside. I was again slipping under the suffocating mask I had lived with for so long, and I’ll admit, I was desperate to keep it from happening. My coping skills are terrible, where others would find a constructive way to regain their balance, I seek the most destructive.  For me, it was the most emotionally traumatic event in recent memory.

This was my phoenix moment.

Even now I cannot read the words I wrote in the days and weeks which found me and my world being ripped apart in a blazing orgy of self destruction without braking down all over again.

And I forced myself to read it again and again.

I have to admit, I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can only pull the trigger so many times before I finally find the bullet.

Sitting here, reading what just wrote, I have to ask myself if this is something I should share. This glimpse into my mind, my heart. This entire blog has been about finding words to express what is inside, what I have, am and will go through as I seek to rebuild myself, not in the image of the past but as my hope for the future. At first I thought to keep it private because I feared being judged by others. I have seen what can happen when one tries to be honest and open in a public forum online. Then I thought, I can’t be the only person dealing with this. There must be others who understand.

Now I wonder, do all these posts seem too much like self pity? Do I come across as someone who just wants to be a miserable wreck?

Yes, I have good days. Yes I make some small progress. Yes, there are times when I am truly happy. Yet it seems all I do is write about the bad days, all the lows. All I do is speak of destruction.

I fear speaking these things, sending out this message. I fear the people who have made an effort to support me, though words, thoughts and prayers will soon got fed up and walk away in disgust.

I know personally what a toll dealing with this can take. So often I am exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally.

A person can only take so much.

21 thoughts on “Thoughts

  1. Just be as true to yourself as you can be. I know you hold back mostly for your love & concern for your family on being yourself out in public to the world that knows you – & that’s ok. But – here – you should be free to post what you feel at any time & to write whatever helps you relieve any stress or helps you discover more of you.
    Supporting you here!

    1. Thank you. I know this is only place I am truly myself, but sometimes it seems like I am a rather dark person, at least on paper.
      Sadly, I use to joke about it, seeking to make light of this side of myself, but now, when I am forced to look in the mirror more and more, it is becoming a little less funny.

      1. Next time you look in the mirror – look into your eyes. You will see your soul & see how beautiful you are.

  2. Maybe, you’ll be able to surprise me! Maybe.
    But I’m yet to see some real wrecking/cynical thoughts.

    Though, with a thought pattern in lines like “Now I wonder, do all these posts seem too much like self pity? Do I come across as someone who just wants to be a miserable wreck?”, you probably show some promise!

    I am no pessimist. I do not think that “without darkness, there can be no light”. And, I do find it necessary to express dark thoughts.
    But, I have found help and strength; and so I am not afraid to “appear” cynical!

    1. I will admit, since I cam out, the darkness is a little less. My tendency to self destruct isn’t as strong. I am now aware of what I am doing to myself and I truly want to find better, more constructive ways of dealing with things. I just have to learn them.

  3. On TLC there is a reality show about Siamese twins, they have two heads and one body. I have seen them before but I haven’t watched the show. these girls have such a great attitude about life and I just don’t know how.

    I guess what I am saying is your situation could be worse. What if in addition you had MS or MD or something that disabled you? I am not diminishing your psychological pain and suffering, as I know it can be devastating. But you are physically healthy and have a family that loves you. Another good thing is you do not have to go through menopause like I am right now. I hate it. I hate that I have gone from maiden to crone. I hate grey hair and hot flashes.

    I have to work on gratitude. I need to be grateful and I am talking about me but it is a good thought for us all. There is usually always someone who has it worst than us.

    1. There are many people who have been or are going through things I cannot even imagine. I know that. I know there are so many ways things could be worse.. I am not asking for trouble, if you know what I mean. My problems are minor is the big scheme of things. Sometimes it takes a little perspective.

  4. Ok well I held myself from saying anything the other day, as it really isn’t my place or my business. I only speak to you as I would a friend and as I would want a friend to say to me.

    I hope that you don’t mind? As a digital friend, I am unsure of the boundaries.

    1. Believe me when I tell you after today, there is nothing that can upset me.
      While I haven’t been kicked out, my life has pretty much fallen apart and there isn’t a thing I can do about it.
      So help me, all I want to do is walk out the door and not stop until I collapse.
      In fact, I just told A I wish I hadn’t survived that night back in ’88, it would have saved us all a lot of heartache.
      Yes, it is that bad and I have no idea how it can be fixed if it ever could.
      As I sit here and type this, I am completely numb inside. I use to wish for a time when when all the doubts and questions, and fears would end…. well I got what I asked for.

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