Myself

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Today has been one of the lazy, hazy kind of days. I had thought to get out and do some work in the yard, but showers moved in and so I will have to wait until things dry out a bit before trying to work in the flower beds. Not that I am complaining, I have to work tonight, so being able to take it easy is nice.

Otherwise, I have been going through my music collection. I have a ton of songs in my library I never listen to and it’s just wasting space on my computer.  It’s time consuming because do you think I took the time to rate each song or CD as I added them? Of course not, that would have been stupid… 😛

On a fun note, A found me a really cute hematite bracelet.  I included a picture.

On a side note…

Finally got a chance to watch “The Lorax” and umm… well…. it isn’t the worst movie I have ever seen, it really is geared to the kids, which isn’t bad… after all it is a kids movie I guess…. but… if your of an age, it has a tendency to cause your brain to run out your nose.

Of course, it might just be me, after all, I think the majority of stuff coming from the so called “entertainment” industry is a bunch of useless drivel, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt.

And on a personal level…

One thing which has caused me some problems has been the lack of time I have to express myself, and yes, I mean being able to dress… though I really hate to think of it in those terms. I’m not putting on a costume. I’m not trying to be something I’m not, but something I am….

Anyway, I have come to realize something. It doesn’t matter if I am dressed or not. It doesn’t matter if I’m wearing a wig, a blouse, pants or flats. It doesn’t matter if I’m wearing a T-shirt, jeans and tennis shoes.

I am me. Nothing more.

I can do little things to help me feel closer to my real self. It is in the way I think. In the way I see myself. Sure, being able to present authentically is what I would prefer, but my life isn’t that simple. It never is really.

The most important thing is to remember, though all that has happened, all I have been through, I have remained myself.

Even when I forgot who that was.

Walk Like A Girl

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It’s been a long two days, but long in a good way. Friday was spent with A doing some garage sales and some thrift store shopping. We took advantage of the kids being in school to have some time to ourselves which was really nice.

I did find a nice Kenneth Two blouse, though I was looking for a couple of new belts, which I didn’t find. Well, I have one more day, so we’ll see.

On a different note, I have let my nails grow and they are at a point where I have been thinking about having them done professionally. The thing is, the main place locally is in Wal-Mart. What’s bad is the nail salon is right at the front of the store, within kicking distance of the front door, which means everyone and their sister can see people sitting inside. This might not be a big deal for most people, but as I have found out, several people from work shop in the same store, and while I might be able to brush it off, but one of those people already called me out for having “women’s nails”, and of course, she had to make that observation right in front of half the women on the shift. So I think at least one person is starting to wonder. Being seen getting my nails done would do nothing but add fuel to the fire. So, I looked and then chickened out.

Now for something I feel is positive, but if anyone is paying attention, is bound to get some rumors going…

A and I made one last stop to pick up some things for dinner, when going back to the car she remarked that I must be concentrating on the way I walk because I had a swing to my hips… yeah, I was walking more like a girl. Do I need to say how happy that made me? 

Bobby

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She sat, shocked beyond words, beyond thought. She sat at her desk looking out at the rain running down the glass and wondering if it was the tears of angels. She was sure they should be.

She thought the teacher was talking but she couldn’t hear. Didn’t really care. What was the point really? Why try so hard when it could all be taken away in the blink go an eye? She closed her eyes and let the memories come. One then another, then a flood.

Bobby in class, looking so serious as he scratched away, his pencil nearly a blur as he raced to fininsh the quiz first because he loved being first, even if he didn’t gat an A.

Bobby on the playground, racing the other boys, collapsing to the ground out of breath yet still managing to laugh.

Bobby during lunch when someone made a joke and he laughed until milk came out of his nose.

Bobby.

Bobby.

She thought he was so strong. That he was able to laugh at anything. That he would be here forever.

Her friend.

Why hadn’t she seen? Why hadn’t she known?

She didn’t realize she had begun to cry until the tears fell on her hand and then she couldn’t stop the sobs which seemed to tear from her chest and ripped through her throat.

The Spiky Wood

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The walk each day was long, going between home and school, yet worth every step she could spend with her friends. There was plenty of laughter and gossip to make the time pass and distance roll away beneath her feet. The exciting part though was when they walked from the paved street to the “short cut”. This was nothing more than a dirt track which lead into a patch of woods located behind the last row of houses.It slowly curved to the right, and soon it was as if you were in some long lost land where parents and siblings never existed.

There were clicks and clacks, whistles and calls from just out of sight which would rise to a deafening cascade of sound, only to suddenly end, leaving a silence which rang in the ears, as if something had arrived and the world was holding its breath until it passed. Then the sounds would explode with heart stopping abruptness.

In those times everyone would huddle closer, seeking assurance without knowing why, only to break out in squeals and laughter. Each joking and teasing about who was really scared and who wasn’t.

Then it was past the sunken lake with its green waters surrounded by rocky walls and the drawing of a dragon scrapped into the dirt. From there the trees thinning until they found themselves walking along the edge of Bee Glade, with all the white towers blazing in the sun. The constant buzz of the bees and the vibration in the air that set your teeth on edge. 

Then, before she knew it, they were back among the houses and the school was just in sight and it seemed as if she were waking from a dream.

The Dress

This is an incomplete scene, but I wanted to share it.

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She hated to admit it but Erin was jealous of her best friend. She looked around a bedroom which seemed to ooze femininity. From the bed frame, white enamel and brass with gentle, sweeping curves to the dresser and chest of drawers. Both white but with soft curves and rounded corners, perfect for any girls room. Then there was the colors. Nothing overt like pink, instead the walls were painted a soothing pale green with white trim. Then there was the bookshelf. Five shelves over flowing with stuffed animals. Erin loved stuffed animals and would have given anything to have so many. True, there were some she wasn’t sure about, after all, she preferred the cute ones, but still…

The hardest thing though, was the open closet, where she could see Brooke’s clothes hanging so innocently. many she had seen already, but there were many she was dying to check out. Worst of all was the dress which was hanging from a hook on one of the bi-fold doors. It was so cute it was impossible not to stare. A pale cream with pearl buttons down the chest. It was pleated with lace trim around the beck, arms and hem.

“Do you like it?” Erin almost jumped out of her skin. She hadn’t noticed that Brooke had returned from her snack run. She could feel her face heating.

“What?”. Erin’s mind was racing, trying to catch back up.

“Do you like it”, Brooke walked over and took the dress down. She held it at arms length and looked at it critically. 

“I think it’s nice”. Erin winced, what made her say something so stupid?

Brooke looked at her with a bemused look.

“Yes, I suppose it is nice.” Then she started laughing. “You should see your face!”

“Sorry” Erin wanted to crawl into a hole. 

Brooke managed to stop laughing though it seemed a close thing. “I’m sorry”, she said, “I wasn’t laughing at you, I promise.”

She took a breath then looked from the dress to Erin and back again. “Do you want to try it on?”

Erin stared at her in shock, her heart beginning to race. “What?”

“Do you want to try it on? I think it would look really good on you.”