Month: September 2012

I Have Been There

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I read a post recently from someone who, for a number of reasons, has decided to stop blogging. More to the point, they have decided to break all ties with anything  or anyone associated with the Trans* community. I haven’t been reading this blog or following this persons life for very long so I am not very familiar with them or their story. What I am familiar with is the feelings of confusion, depression, anger and fear which they speak about. 

I have been there.

More than once I came close to closing this blog, deleting any and all references to sites dealing with Trans* issues, and destroying any evidence of my online life several time, specially during the first few months. More than once I determined I was going to stop expressing myself as Kira in the real world. To put “her” back in a box both figuratively and literally. Packing everything up and putting it away in the basement. To go back into “boy mode” full time.

I couldn’t do it. Any of it. Just trying to get myself into a mindset where I could take action was enough to turn into an emotional and mental wreck. I just can’t turn myself, my life inside out again. I can’t forget who I am. I can’t live a life I know is a lie. It’s difficult enough facing myself in the mirror when I know presenting as male is something I need to do at least part of the time, but even in those times I am myself on the inside, I know I am still Kira no matter what. To try and deny myself in my thoughts…. I would quickly fall apart. Just trying to imagine such a life puts a lump of ice in my stomach…

However, that is me and I am sure there are many others who have made such a decision and gone on to live their lives in a positive way. Everyone has their path to follow and no two are the same. My only wish is for them to be happy, after all, isn’t happiness what we wish for ourselves?

 

 

I want to mention I have avoided using any gender specific pronouns because, although I doubt they will ever read this, I don’t know how they wish to be spoken of and I want to respect their wishes whatever they might be.

Never Good Enough

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Today has been good. I awoke feeling better than I have in some time. There was something positive which brought a smile though I can’t put a finger to exactly what it was… I guess there are just some days like this and I’ll take more, please. 🙂

I’m sure what I am going to write about is something many have come to realize long ago. Truth is, I feel as if I am often playing catch up in the personal growth department. Not due to the adolescent phase so many people speak of which is a result of coming out, but because in so many ways I personally expended so much time, effort and energy to not only being some one I wasn’t but to pleasing others.

It is to the second point I wish to speak. I don’t want this to sound as if I am blaming anyone, I’m not. There are situations in life in which we find our selves swept up and before we know it, we have lost sight of who we are or why we are doing the things we do. In this case, it was seeking things from the people around me things they simply were incapable of providing.

For me this goes all the way back to my childhood. 

There is a saying, which though crude, is also true; some people shouldn’t breed. Put another. more polite way, there are those who shouldn’t have children. My mother and father were two of those people. They were simply unable to provide the things a child needs to thrive and become the person they were meant to be. Again this isn’t a judgment, I don’t know what made them the people they were, but it doesn’t change the truth of what I said.

So much of my life I strove to earn their love, acceptance and understanding, not knowing I could never be good enough, quiet enough… man enough, to earn these things from them. They were simply incapable of giving them.  

Instead I blamed myself for what they could not do.

I saw myself as worthless, stupid and unlovable. This started a cycle of behaviors which turned into self destructive actions, thoughts and emotions which I am still dealing with today. 

I also brought them into every relationship I was in. It was a wall between me and learning to have heathy relationships, learning to live… It tainted friendships and romances. It caused an incredible level of stress I simply had no way of dealing with.

My whole life I have tried to be what I thought others demanded in return for those things I was so desperately seeking, again, not understanding they weren’t something to be earned. Love. Acceptance. Understanding… they must be given freely to be of any value.

I finally understand I can do nothing to be good enough… More, I shouldn’t have to be.

Thinking While Alone

 

The night rests quietly around me and I find myself surrounded by a haze of emotions. It’s times like this when I am glad I’m not on hormones, I fear I would be a complete wreck. It is enough I have been reduced to tears. Thankfully I am alone and no one will see me like this. I could never explain myself.
I think of the future and I wonder where I am heading, where do I need to be in order to be truly happy in my own skin. I don’t know… Can I be complete as I am, living a dual life, one in my heart and the other as others expect?
Being like this is something I know I must do, but I fear it is going to tear me apart. I have such a small window of time when I can see myself as who I really am. The briefest of moments and then it’s gone. Yes, I can shift into what is needed but it leaves me feeling cheated and more than a little dishonest.
I think if the choice of how to present was left to me I would have an easier time being in “boy mode” because it was the way I felt comfortable at the time. Being forced is a difficult pill to swallow. In a way it feels as if my life hasn’t changed. First my family forced me to be this thing I wasn’t, then I did it to myself, and now I am still forced to carry around this shell. Forced by circumstances and choices I could not foresee.
I know, it seems I am whining about life not being fair and maybe I am.. But it
doesn’t make the reality any easier to take. A simple glimpse can become a slap on the face, a stab in the heart.
How do I explain to someone why I can’t look them in the eye because I feel like a fraud? That I know what they see when they look at me and it makes me want to break down in tears? That it makes me almost physically ill to see what I am forced to be?
And what makes these times a thousand times harder is knowing there are times when I feel normal regardless of how I look on the outside. I don’t understand how those times are even possible, yet they are. When I suddenly realize I am having such a moment, it comes as such a shock and I am overwhelmed with doubt. Maybe I’ve been wrong about the way I have come to understand myself, maybe I’ve been fooling myself, chasing fantasies. It is often hours before I can get the whirlwind of emotion and doubt under control.
I know times of peace and self acceptance and they have been becoming stronger and longer and I want those feeling all of the time. I want to wake in the morning content with who I am and to go to sleep with the same self awareness.
That is going to be my goal. It is what I will strive for.

Getting Closer

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Life has finally resolved into a workable routine, which is something I wasn’t sure I would ever say again. I won’t bore you with the details, it’s enough to say I find I am happy taking on responsibilities which would have sent me into fits at one point.

There are still many things I need to work through in defining myself in my own thoughts, but it’s no longer an all consuming task. I guess I could say I am becoming comfortable in my head, even if not quite in my skin. There are still times when I am jarred by the difference between my self image and what the world sees. Maybe with time I will come to understand what I will need to do to bring these things into a better alignment. For now, being able to have time alone when I can simply be myself without fear as well as the time I can spend online accepted fully as Kira is enough to keep me sane.

Still, being able to think of simple little things which are not directly related to gender is a freeing experience in and of its self. It has literally been years since this was the case… maybe, it was always an underling presence even when I was unaware of it. I know the feeling of having a constant pressure behind my thoughts is largely gone.

Funny, in some ways I almost miss it. 

I once said I wanted to reach a point where I could look back and be amazed at how far I had come. I don’t know if I am there yet, but I think I am closer. To know it wasn’t so long ago I was caught in so much confusion I could barely function, to who I am today… 

So much has happened in such a short time, it is almost more them I can grasp. When I take the time, as now, to stop and really think about it, I am almost overwhelmed. I can’t even express all the emotions I feel… it takes my breath away.

I do wonder what I will be writing about when I have reached the one year mark in this journey… the five year, ten year. Will I come back and read theses words and smile at the innocence expressed here? I don’t know of course, but I am looking forward to finding out.

Received A Reply

I have received a positive and supportive response from my friend. This is such a wonderful out come. I can’t say how much this means to me.
There will be a lot of discussion I’m sure and I’m a tad nervous about that, but I am excited too. I have the chance to be myself in real life at last without the fear of rejection.