I Have Been There

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I read a post recently from someone who, for a number of reasons, has decided to stop blogging. More to the point, they have decided to break all ties with anything  or anyone associated with the Trans* community. I haven’t been reading this blog or following this persons life for very long so I am not very familiar with them or their story. What I am familiar with is the feelings of confusion, depression, anger and fear which they speak about. 

I have been there.

More than once I came close to closing this blog, deleting any and all references to sites dealing with Trans* issues, and destroying any evidence of my online life several time, specially during the first few months. More than once I determined I was going to stop expressing myself as Kira in the real world. To put “her” back in a box both figuratively and literally. Packing everything up and putting it away in the basement. To go back into “boy mode” full time.

I couldn’t do it. Any of it. Just trying to get myself into a mindset where I could take action was enough to turn into an emotional and mental wreck. I just can’t turn myself, my life inside out again. I can’t forget who I am. I can’t live a life I know is a lie. It’s difficult enough facing myself in the mirror when I know presenting as male is something I need to do at least part of the time, but even in those times I am myself on the inside, I know I am still Kira no matter what. To try and deny myself in my thoughts…. I would quickly fall apart. Just trying to imagine such a life puts a lump of ice in my stomach…

However, that is me and I am sure there are many others who have made such a decision and gone on to live their lives in a positive way. Everyone has their path to follow and no two are the same. My only wish is for them to be happy, after all, isn’t happiness what we wish for ourselves?

 

 

I want to mention I have avoided using any gender specific pronouns because, although I doubt they will ever read this, I don’t know how they wish to be spoken of and I want to respect their wishes whatever they might be.

4 thoughts on “I Have Been There

    1. True, though I can understand how keeping ones head up can lead to one becoming burned out and beaten down. As you say, it isn’t easy and some cannot stand the strain.

      1. Indeed, it is easy to become self righteous if we stand proud all the time – and we shouldn’t feel guilty if we occasionally have to bow our heads against the pressure – we are but simple humans after all.

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