Month: October 2012

Happy Halloween!

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Happy Halloween everyone!

 

I’m sure many of you without kids have already had your celebrations this past weekend with all of the parties, but for some of us, well we get to have our fun tonight.

Now, for Wednesday night, Thursday my post will likely be a little late and I don’t know if I will have any pictures ready to post, but I will get something posted as soon as possible.

 

Now on to other thoughts…

 

As much as I am looking forward to stepping out, (and just what a huge step it is), I am also aware this is but one day among many. Tomorrow I will wake up and return to the same routine I have had all along and I see now I need to be strong each and every one of them.

I have thought about this more than once, how I am able to step out of the house presenting as the wrong gender and still be able to function to the point I am not only able to fool the people around me but still do my work in a satisfactory manner. I know, this is something I did for most of my life but the difference is, before I didn’t know what I was doing. Now I do and I am acutely aware of the fact. This isn’t the hard part really, most people don’t pay much attention unless something has changed so much they can’t ignore it. When I am at home it is different… miles and miles different. Part of being able to remain in character has been my children. They have only ever known me as one thing and so I make every effort to keep things as normal as I can, no matter how much it hurts me to lie to them like this. Another part of this, of course, is maintaining this image as part of keeping my marriage together. A knows the truth, there is no point in trying to keep anything from her, but still, I hesitate to talk to her about so much because I know she isn’t comfortable with who I have become. Maybe one day things will change, such is my hope. Without having the possibility of one day being able to be who I am in all things, I don’t know if I could make it through some of these days.

I had the chance to talk to someone new about blogging. It was a fun and interesting conversation, but there were things I couldn’t really share because of the need to protect myself. To protect who I am here and who I appear to be in the “real world.” It was frustrating and in the end I felt as if I were being deceitful. Part of me knows this is just something I have to do, but I don’t have to like it or myself for having to do it. Still, as I said, it was a very nice conversation with a someone I would like to one day like to call a friend.

As for how I am feeling today… much better than yesterday. I guess it was just one of “those” days, when you just don’t feel in sync with things. Whatever the case, I was able to get a little more sleep and I felt rested when I got up. Of course, as the day has gone by, I find myself falling into planning mode, thinking of what I have left to get done, the time I need to get ready, what I want to wear, how I want to look… 

You know, it feels good to just stop and realize I’m smiling…

 

Lady Of The Heart

Lady Of The Heart
By Kira A. Moore

Time,
Ebbs and flows,

A sea,
Of possibility.

She stands,
Upon endless shores,

Caught,
With the light,

Of
Tomorrow’s dawn,

In her hair,
Reflecting from her smile.

And the shadows,
Of yesterday,

Seek solstice
In her arms.

Monday, Monday, Monday…

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Monday, Monday, Monday… 

(Said as Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!)

 

Okay, I know this is going to come up as posted on Tuesday, but as I type this, it is still Monday in my neck of the woods.

Today has been really strange, even more than usual. In fact it seems as if I have been moving in slow motion, always one step behind…. you get the point. I have been fighting a headache and I when I woke up this afternoon, it felt as if I had just closed my eyes.

I did manage to get more of the housework done than I expected, so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. On the downside, I didn’t get anything done for the November challenge; the thought of trying to plan anything was just too much. 

I have a few little things to get done and then I am going to try and get a little more sleep before I have to go to work. Maybe that will be enough to get me back on track…

Thoughts On The Next Week

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The countdown to Halloween has begun. Yes, I am both excited and terrified… It’s going to be a memorable time no mater what!

Of course, there is another countdown as well, to November 1st and the start of NaNoWriMo.

 

About Halloween…

I have pretty much everything I need, though there will be a last minute stop to pickup a few items. For one, I need new mascara and nail polish. I also need some earrings. I am leaning toward magnetic, though I might have to go with clip ons, it really depends on what I find. Oh, and if I’m not mistaken, there will be pictures as it seems everyone breaks out the cameras to get pictures of all the costumes. I am going to make sure to get some solo pics so I can share them here.

Even now, thinking of what lies ahead, my stomach is in knots. As I said in the opening sentence, I am feeling excited and terrified. I am on the brink of living something which has been my deepest wish. It is right there… so close I can taste it.. any other cliches? LOL!

To walk out the door as myself… my real and true self. 

 

It has me shaking…

 

Now to NaNoWriMo…

I have begun to copy my blog posts over to a reference file. Because I have made a point of posting every day, there are hundreds of entries. I am also gong to have to do some background information and a lot of commentary. For now, I am thinking I should avoid overly personal information which might give clues as to my other life. As it stands now, the odds of this ever becoming a real book are very slim and so I see no need to risk such exposure.

I knew when I first thought of doing this it was going to be painful. I knew I would be opening wounds load and new. The thing is, I have felt all along, regardless of the initial cost, this was something I had to do. In the end I believe it is for the best. A chance for me to gain a better understanding of myself and the things which have brought me to this place. It will allow me a chance to make peace with myself, both old and new.

But there is another side to my fear… to this cold, hard ball of terror which sits in my stomach…. Writing about what I have gone through this past year… So much has happened, so many thoughts and emotions. I told A I had to do this. I have been living this story and so it looms in my sight every waking moment. It fills my dreams. It is the storm which waits on the horizon and it is easy to loose perspective. I need to regain it. To put everything into its place in regards to my life, to who I am, who I wish to be.

I need to clean the wounds so they may heal.

I mentioned I thought the chances of this ever becoming a real book as slim. Part of this feeling is, I don’t know if I will be able to complete it. Last years manuscript is sitting in a file on my hard drive and I still can do no more than read a small part before I reduced to tears and wracking sobs…. the emotions are just too much, even a year later.

I hope I can be stronger this time.

Making Plans…

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Okay, I’m not sure where I’m going with this post, originally I had planned on talking about my therapy session but it was cancelled and I can’t see her again for two more weeks. Of course this means I will have been out in public for Halloween… Yep, I have decided to go out. I simply cannot allow this chance to pass by without saying I at least tried. There were dozens of times I had sat down and worked out everything I needed to be able to walk out the door as a woman and every time I talked myself out of it. It is true I had no support at all those times. No one to talk to, no one to give me advice or tips or encouragement. Just me in a room with the television or radio playing and a stomach full of butterflies.

This time I have A who is being very supportive, and at least one friend who has voiced support. 

This is more than I could have asked for or ever dreamed.

On the same subject, I went yesterday and found two nice tops; a dark blue, long sleeve, mock turtler neck and a blue button down blouse. I haven’t decided which I am going to wear yet, but I have a choice. I am going with black jeans, I have several other pairs of pants but they are as heavy and it suppose to cold again. I’m also debating which foot ware I’ll wear… I’m thinking my flats because I’ll have to do a lot of walking though I would love to go in my favorite boots. Since they have a 3” heel, I worry walking over uneven sidewalks in the dark is going to be a challenge and by the end my feet are going to be killing me. So, sensible comfort or a bit of showing off?

Speaking of Halloween… my in-laws have been told I am going to be dressed up so they think this is just a bit of fun. Of course, A has said she is going to come up with a costume as well to make it so I won’t stand out as much.

I’m starting to get excited over the possibilities.

Suicide: Read Me First

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Once more I wish to mention something regarding a subject which touches me very deeply.

After contacting the administrator for the site, Suicide: Read Me First, I have been given permission to add a link in my Blogroll, which you will find on the right side of my Main Page.

If you know of anyone who might be thinking about suicide, please direct them to their site, it might just be the one thing which makes all the difference in getting the help they need. 

 

I do need to mention, I was planning to add another page to address this issue, but there is so much information written by people better able to address this issue, I am going to occasionally post links instead.