The countdown to Halloween has begun. Yes, I am both excited and terrified… It’s going to be a memorable time no mater what!
Of course, there is another countdown as well, to November 1st and the start of NaNoWriMo.
I have pretty much everything I need, though there will be a last minute stop to pickup a few items. For one, I need new mascara and nail polish. I also need some earrings. I am leaning toward magnetic, though I might have to go with clip ons, it really depends on what I find. Oh, and if I’m not mistaken, there will be pictures as it seems everyone breaks out the cameras to get pictures of all the costumes. I am going to make sure to get some solo pics so I can share them here.
Even now, thinking of what lies ahead, my stomach is in knots. As I said in the opening sentence, I am feeling excited and terrified. I am on the brink of living something which has been my deepest wish. It is right there… so close I can taste it.. any other cliches? LOL!
To walk out the door as myself… my real and true self.
It has me shaking…
Now to NaNoWriMo…
I have begun to copy my blog posts over to a reference file. Because I have made a point of posting every day, there are hundreds of entries. I am also gong to have to do some background information and a lot of commentary. For now, I am thinking I should avoid overly personal information which might give clues as to my other life. As it stands now, the odds of this ever becoming a real book are very slim and so I see no need to risk such exposure.
I knew when I first thought of doing this it was going to be painful. I knew I would be opening wounds load and new. The thing is, I have felt all along, regardless of the initial cost, this was something I had to do. In the end I believe it is for the best. A chance for me to gain a better understanding of myself and the things which have brought me to this place. It will allow me a chance to make peace with myself, both old and new.
But there is another side to my fear… to this cold, hard ball of terror which sits in my stomach…. Writing about what I have gone through this past year… So much has happened, so many thoughts and emotions. I told A I had to do this. I have been living this story and so it looms in my sight every waking moment. It fills my dreams. It is the storm which waits on the horizon and it is easy to loose perspective. I need to regain it. To put everything into its place in regards to my life, to who I am, who I wish to be.
I need to clean the wounds so they may heal.
I mentioned I thought the chances of this ever becoming a real book as slim. Part of this feeling is, I don’t know if I will be able to complete it. Last years manuscript is sitting in a file on my hard drive and I still can do no more than read a small part before I reduced to tears and wracking sobs…. the emotions are just too much, even a year later.
I hope I can be stronger this time.