Happy Halloween!

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Happy Halloween everyone!

 

I’m sure many of you without kids have already had your celebrations this past weekend with all of the parties, but for some of us, well we get to have our fun tonight.

Now, for Wednesday night, Thursday my post will likely be a little late and I don’t know if I will have any pictures ready to post, but I will get something posted as soon as possible.

 

Now on to other thoughts…

 

As much as I am looking forward to stepping out, (and just what a huge step it is), I am also aware this is but one day among many. Tomorrow I will wake up and return to the same routine I have had all along and I see now I need to be strong each and every one of them.

I have thought about this more than once, how I am able to step out of the house presenting as the wrong gender and still be able to function to the point I am not only able to fool the people around me but still do my work in a satisfactory manner. I know, this is something I did for most of my life but the difference is, before I didn’t know what I was doing. Now I do and I am acutely aware of the fact. This isn’t the hard part really, most people don’t pay much attention unless something has changed so much they can’t ignore it. When I am at home it is different… miles and miles different. Part of being able to remain in character has been my children. They have only ever known me as one thing and so I make every effort to keep things as normal as I can, no matter how much it hurts me to lie to them like this. Another part of this, of course, is maintaining this image as part of keeping my marriage together. A knows the truth, there is no point in trying to keep anything from her, but still, I hesitate to talk to her about so much because I know she isn’t comfortable with who I have become. Maybe one day things will change, such is my hope. Without having the possibility of one day being able to be who I am in all things, I don’t know if I could make it through some of these days.

I had the chance to talk to someone new about blogging. It was a fun and interesting conversation, but there were things I couldn’t really share because of the need to protect myself. To protect who I am here and who I appear to be in the “real world.” It was frustrating and in the end I felt as if I were being deceitful. Part of me knows this is just something I have to do, but I don’t have to like it or myself for having to do it. Still, as I said, it was a very nice conversation with a someone I would like to one day like to call a friend.

As for how I am feeling today… much better than yesterday. I guess it was just one of “those” days, when you just don’t feel in sync with things. Whatever the case, I was able to get a little more sleep and I felt rested when I got up. Of course, as the day has gone by, I find myself falling into planning mode, thinking of what I have left to get done, the time I need to get ready, what I want to wear, how I want to look… 

You know, it feels good to just stop and realize I’m smiling…

 

4 thoughts on “Happy Halloween!

  1. Smiling is pretty awesome, and I’m so happy you’re doing it. I’m looking forward to any pictures you might have to post, but don’t rush anything. Family fun time comes first.

    1. Oh, the kids are always first on this spooky holiday!
      Getting their pictures taken in costume is something they live to do, last year was real ham-fest!
      My youngest is just as excited to see me dressed up as he is to wear his own outfit. 🙂
      Pictures are always great and I’m just going to join in after theirs are taken.

      (Hugs)

      Kira

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