In Limbo

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I know there are things I need to be doing right now, but I have to say something, anything, and I can’t concentrate on anything else until I do…

I look over the past year and I am left wondering where I am going, where my thoughts and heart are leading me. Nothing is clear and in so many ways I am left feeling as if I am caught in limbo, unable to move forward and knowing I can never go back.

Going back… I have thought about this, about shutting down everything dealing with being Trans. Of forcing myself to think only as I once did, as male… using only male pronouns, pushing my internal monolog back to a male voice. I have thought of putting as much effort into presenting fully as male as I have in bringing so much of the feminine as I have dared into my public self… Of thinking of myself not as I m now, but as “him”, as “G” …

I don’t think I can do it… the very thought makes me sick… sick in the stomach… sick n my heart…

Yet, I don’t see a way forward as I am now. There are simply too many complications. The children, my marriage… never mind work. At this point I can’t even think of how the person the street would react, though in this place, I know it wouldn’t be surprising if it were violent…

 

It seems like a lifetime ago the thought of doing more than dressing up at home was unimaginable, living full time beyond comprehension now it is in my thoughts every day. I get dressed and go to work and it is more and more difficult. I feel like a fake, a fraud, like I’m just playing a stupid pointless game I am going to lose in the end. I hate not being seen as who I really am even though I know I wiil never be accepted.

 

Never be accepted…

 

This is the hardest part. I know the people around me will never see me as I truly am. Will never accept the truth. They will see me as someone being silly and foolish. Just playing dress up. They see me as male and will refuse to do anything else.

 

I don’t know how long I will be able to live two lives, the internal and the external. How long I can keep these two sides in balance and function. How long I can keep the stress under control or if it will finally break free and crush me.

No, as long as I know my children have need of me, I won’t do anything rash or permeant.. I made this promise to myself, to them and I will honor it no matter the cost…

But isn’t that the question… what will be the cost?

 

It is something I cannot answer, but I have a growing fear it is going to be very high indeed.

13 thoughts on “In Limbo

  1. Kira, its not an act of selfishness to freely “speak your mind.” I’m very sure a majority of your audience understands this.
    l may not be trans, but it does seem an overwhelming burden to consciously make an effort everyday to present yourself to the world in a way that isnt true.
    gender identity is an integral part of a person’s identity…
    and im at lost for words for how to be encouraging.

  2. I’m sorry you feel this way. I think you should be who you are and not let anybody bother you about it. My ex-boyfriend told me earlier this year that he is transgender. I excepted it because I kind of already knew way back then. Anyway, it takes a lot of courage to do what your doing. Sweetie you should be yourself, you can only move forward (moving backwards would just be ridiculous lol). People are always going to have something to say and its your choice to listen or not. Ignore the ignorant ones (even though sometimes it may be hard). lol

  3. I’ve got lots of thoughts I could share with other commenters here, but I won’t. Because this blog is about you, Kira. I hope you keep hanging on. As long as you have someone to reach out to and somewhere to be yourself, you have hope. The cost might be high in the short term, but if you hang on, the long term payout will make you feel as if you won the lottery.

    1. Your right, in the end this will work out and I will be able to look back and see this as a time of growth and learning. I just need to keep this in mind on those darker days.

      As it happens, this post and indeed some of the comments lead to something positive which I will post about a little later.

      So you see, from rain showers come flowers. 🙂

      1. Yes, it will work out, even though “haters gotta hate”. Problems in Gaza are not your problems, and working out your problems, even publicly in a blog, is one way to become able to help with the problems of the world. What good, really, does “weeping for others” do, anyway? Make you feel better about yourself? Well, la-dee-da! No, working out your own issues makes you feel better about yourself, and then you can actually do something constructive for those who are still weeping. I admire your courage, and there will be people who see you as you truly are. Don’t let the others get you down 🙂

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