Bigender, Blog, Dysphoria, Emotions, Gender, Life, Mtf, Personal, Transgender

Where From Here?

I wasn’t going to make another personal post and maybe I’ll come to regret going against my better judgment, but as those who know me will attest, I just don’t know when to shut up…

Before I explain that statement I want to say something.
I started this blog for a number of reasons, most of which I have explained before. There were also reasons which I never considered which had nothing to do with my desire to share my thoughts.
I didn’t do this to be thought of as brave or courageous. Those words belong to others, not me. I also did not do this for sympathy or pity, despite what some seem to think. I don’t want anyone’s pity and sympathy belongs to those in worse places than I have found myself.
It doesn’t matter anymore if anyone believes me or not. Nothing I can say or do will change anyone’s mind. I know what I have done and why.

Now to what I spoke of at the top of this post.
I wasn’t going to do any more than reposts this week, probably for the remainder of the year. I still want to do this. My thought being as the days and weeks pass I will let this place fade away, soon to be forgotten.

Why?

Sunday night thoughts of living full time as myself came to mind… Filled my mind. Stupid thoughts of impossible ways it could happen. That is what suddenly struck me. All these day dreams were pointless exercises in futility. They were a waste of time and energy.

Reality hit me like a ten ton truck.

Nothing I do, nothing I say changes anything. It doesn’t matter what name I use, what clothes I wear, how I do my nails or hair. No one who knows me is ever going to accept me other than as they always have… As G, as male.
Not A, not my kids, not my friends, not my coworkers. No one.
Even to those who I have come out to.
They cannot accept me, they will not acknowledge me.
I can’t even say my therapist believes me.

I spent more years than I care to count building an image people would accept. I guess I did a better job than I thought because now I am trapped inside and no one can see the truth.
I saw there were really only two choices, either accept the growing pain and frustration of living two lives or admit defeat and live strictly as male.
The first would drive me crazy at some point, the second? We know what happened the last time.

I chose the second.

In doing so a number of walls have crashing into place and as of now, I have lost the connection I had to most of my emotions. I am caught in a void. Maybe it’s better this way… Being mostly numb is better than what was building up inside.

I don’t know what I’m going to do going forward from here. I’m tempted to cut all ties inside and out, but I’m not ready yet.

I make no promises about the future, I just thought you deserved to know what is happening.

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24 thoughts on “Where From Here?

    • I’m suppose to see her this Saturday, I’m debating if I should…

      A is the only one who knows at the moment and I’m not sure what she thinks other than that I should keep the above appointment. Beyond she has said the same as Resa; I have to do what’s best for me…

      I just don’t what that might be anymore…

      • its just you sound like…if you try to present and keep up the appearance that people know that you wont be happy. i used to be completely baffled by how you decided to kind of divide yourself, but the more time Ive spent reading what you have to say it makes sense and I get your reasoning. but you cant deny who you really are either.
        this is just something you do need to think about and try to find the best answer you, Kira, not for anyone else.

      • Your right of course, I just don’t know what I can do anymore… I can’t remain locked down forever, the stress is already affecting me and I can’t see it getting better.
        Geesh, reading this makes me seem like all I can do anymore is whine about “poor ol’ me” and I hate that…
        I really don’t don’t know what I am going to do, but I need to find a new way of dealing with this; life isn’t going to change just because I’m having trouble adjusting as time passes.

      • To me it doesnt seem like your being all whiny and self-loathing. there are valid concerns/thoughts/feelings/self doubts/complaints that you have and that every person surely has. Kira your allowed to be human and to be able to express yourself.

      • i wish i could give you advice but honestly im working on anxiety related problems that revolve around changing how i think. negative to positive. and honestly im not very good at it.
        could you perhaps go to a trans supportive group in your area? or meet with your therapist more?

      • I can tell you just reading your comments have helped. I find myself sitting here with a little smile on my lips and tears in my eyes simply because you took time to say something… Never think such a simple act of connection doesn’t have a real impact. It does.

        I wish I could see my therapist more, but I simply can’t afford more than I’m doing now. As for a support group… well so far the two groups which use to be within a reasonable distance from me have shut down. I don’t know what happened, but as far as I can find there is nothing within a three hour drive. Believe me, I would love to go to a support meeting, even once a month or so just so I could talk to someone.

      • :)i just dont want you to give up on yourself.
        Im really sorry to hear that. (everythings too expensive..) but for the groups even if they closed/ disappeared that has to mean there are transpersons in your area, maybe you could try to find them online/or in person and reach out to them?

      • There are Trans people here, I’ve even seen someone at a local store, but it didn’t seem appropriate to approach her at the time.
        This is something I am going to think about over the next month and then see where things stand next year.

        Really, I need to be able to speak with someone face to face. I have spoken with several LGB people in person and it made a real difference even though they aren’t Trans. Being able to talk about the feelings that come from being seen as different and having them understand was a wonderful feeling.

  1. My dear, i have way too much time to think. And way too much time to worry. The more i think the more gender lines seem to gray. Perhaps instead of making a decision in one extreme or the other male or female, you forget the title altogether? An androgynous life? One where you simply exist. Forget about whether you’re male or female, whether others view you as male or female and simply express yourself exactly as you wish. Enjoy those things you enjoy, the activities, the clothes, the relationships you enjoy. We put so much emphasis on the title of our gender i think it’s easy to forget why we started this road in the first place. I may be way off base, forgive me if i am darling. Just a suggestion. But to an extent i can relate.
    Much love
    -Katie

    • Katie,

      I don’t think your off base at all. Reading this had me thinking I’m trying too hard to find where I fit into things. One thing which I see as causing my current issues was going out fully as myself… The simple feeling of being myself for even a few hours and finding I was completely at peace with myself has been something I just haven’t been able to forget. It really has brought my longing to just be to the surface and I have to come to grips with it. Your thoughts on this haas given me something to consider and I appreciate it very much.

      ((Hugs))

      Kira

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