I wasn’t going to make another personal post and maybe I’ll come to regret going against my better judgment, but as those who know me will attest, I just don’t know when to shut up…
Before I explain that statement I want to say something.
I started this blog for a number of reasons, most of which I have explained before. There were also reasons which I never considered which had nothing to do with my desire to share my thoughts.
I didn’t do this to be thought of as brave or courageous. Those words belong to others, not me. I also did not do this for sympathy or pity, despite what some seem to think. I don’t want anyone’s pity and sympathy belongs to those in worse places than I have found myself.
It doesn’t matter anymore if anyone believes me or not. Nothing I can say or do will change anyone’s mind. I know what I have done and why.
Now to what I spoke of at the top of this post.
I wasn’t going to do any more than reposts this week, probably for the remainder of the year. I still want to do this. My thought being as the days and weeks pass I will let this place fade away, soon to be forgotten.
Sunday night thoughts of living full time as myself came to mind… Filled my mind. Stupid thoughts of impossible ways it could happen. That is what suddenly struck me. All these day dreams were pointless exercises in futility. They were a waste of time and energy.
Reality hit me like a ten ton truck.
Nothing I do, nothing I say changes anything. It doesn’t matter what name I use, what clothes I wear, how I do my nails or hair. No one who knows me is ever going to accept me other than as they always have… As G, as male.
Not A, not my kids, not my friends, not my coworkers. No one.
Even to those who I have come out to.
They cannot accept me, they will not acknowledge me.
I can’t even say my therapist believes me.
I spent more years than I care to count building an image people would accept. I guess I did a better job than I thought because now I am trapped inside and no one can see the truth.
I saw there were really only two choices, either accept the growing pain and frustration of living two lives or admit defeat and live strictly as male.
The first would drive me crazy at some point, the second? We know what happened the last time.
I chose the second.
In doing so a number of walls have crashing into place and as of now, I have lost the connection I had to most of my emotions. I am caught in a void. Maybe it’s better this way… Being mostly numb is better than what was building up inside.
I don’t know what I’m going to do going forward from here. I’m tempted to cut all ties inside and out, but I’m not ready yet.
I make no promises about the future, I just thought you deserved to know what is happening.