I Told You So…

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I’ve been like a dog chasing its own tail for days now. I keep telling myself the best thing I can do is to go into lock down mode and seek to return to a cis gender life. To quit talking about anything Trans and just let the dust settle to the point where everyone forgets I ever said anything. The problem is I just can’t do it. As much as I welcome the feeling of numbness which has come over me, at least in my conscious thoughts, under the surface I can’t stop the constant thoughts and emotions. I tell myself this is the right thing to do, I just can’t bring myself to really believe it. It doesn’t feel right and trying to do this is beginning to affect me physically. There has been so much to deal with in such a short time I can’t process it properly anymore.

As I said before, I thought it best to let this blog go idle, but again, I just can’t. Over the past year this has become as much a part of me and being Kira. It is my place to speak, my place to work though things and trying to return to doing everything in my head is making things worse. Besides, as I said, I like to talk… 

I don’t regret my last post, though in some ways I wish I hadn’t felt the need to speak to this… but, as I was once told by a doctor, there are things we need to talk about even if no one is listening…

As difficult as it is to admit, for me, this has been part of the process, a part of the nitty gritty side of coming to terms with life as it is now. More then once I have tried to walk away, to fade back into the background of a world which refuses to accept me as I am. Every time I have found it more difficult. Every time there has been something which has pushed at me, refusing to be ignores, which has forced me to go against these feelings and keep talking, keep moving forward. I know this can make things confusing and frustrating for those who only know me through my words. I can’t sit down with you and let you see just how much this is tearing me apart. To let you see the pain, the longing, the desperation I have felt. You cannot see the tears I have shed. I love words, I love being able to reach others, but I see how cold they can be.

I am still trying to deal with this. I know it’s going to take some time and I might have to take a step back now and again. 

6 thoughts on “I Told You So…

  1. Kira,

    Your post “Reliving the past” and this one are exactly where I have been at for a least a month now. Very few accept me as female and I consistently have to work hard at it while wondering if it’s worth it. Simply letting life take its course and only dressing when I feel I can avoid being judged severely by those who already know the role I’ve played so well.

    In the end, you & I (and probably countless others) want something more than just a fickle, fleeting dream. We want something that’s permanent. That we can latch onto and know certainly that it is who and what we are every moment of every day. Sadly, this is hard for either of us to come by because of how good we got at “playing the part.”

    I’ve blogged this before: We had to survive. And we need to survive now because we value our existence despite the dark times we have experienced. We can come to our blogs at any time to share our hearts, but the truth is that our individual survival is all we can accept at this time.

    And if it were to mean abandoning/taking a step back from your blog to dampen the self-expectations you hold so dear – I have left mine 4-5 times in the near decade – then you should do it. For your own sake.

    Always reading, even when I’m entries behind,
    Ren

    ::hugs::

    1. It is always good to hear (read) your voice Ren’Ai. Having dealt with so many of the same issues, you bring a perspective to what I am dealing with which I too often miss.
      I think I need to slow down with trying to have a personal post every day. There are times I need to take a moment to get the thoughts straight. In those cases I am going to try and find something good to repost, and dog gone it, I’m not going to feel guilty for doing so.

      ((Hugs))

      Kira

  2. You need to deal with this process in whatever way keeps you healthy and alive. That’s it. You don’t owe anyone anything (aside from normal, daily obligations). We are here whenever you need us.

    Personally, I think you should keep up with the journey you’re on. I know that it feels like you’ll never get to the place you want to be as Kira, fully out there. But even if you can’t live full time as yourself, I believe that you’ll find a happy medium someday. You can’t stuff the genie back in the bottle, and I sincerely hope you never have to really try.

  3. I hate being preachy and prescriptive, but that’s what I’m going to be for just a brief moment.

    You cannot go back – it just won’t work. You will think you can and maybe for a while you’ll be able to manage it – but ultimately you’ll fail. I know because I have tried several times over the course of my life.

    What you propose is what got you here in the first place and you see how well that has worked. This sucks – oh god how it sucks in oh so many ways – but it’s who we are. We cannot wish it away or will it away. And now that you have a glimpse of what could be, you will forever look at that and long for it. I know this because I am at a point where I need to move forward and I know what will happen if I don’t. It’s not a threat, just a fact of my life.

    Take a step back – reevaluate, refocus – do whatever you think you need to do but realize that you are Trans and it will never go away. The question is what you are going to do about it? How are you going to make your life work with this? It won’t be easy and it likely won’t be fun, but in the end – what choice do we have?

    This is not about a lifestyle choice – it’s about survival. It’s about doing what we *as people* need to do in order to survive.

    You need the contact with people Kira. Whether here on your blow – in person in a support group… Friends, family or complete strangers – you need the contact and support.

    Going it alone, you will find, will only exacerbate things.

    Done preaching – sending you love and good vibes. 🙂

    Donna

    1. I know your right, trying to “stop” things started causing more problems as soon as the thought crossed my mind. I do want to say, I didn’t think of it as trying to not be trans, but of closing myself off, of internalizing everything… which sounds like a great idea even knowing what would likely happen… until it started within hours and I knew I was in trouble.
      It has taken me several days to get myself halfway straight again, but it is fragile thing, even tonight after having spoken with my therapist today, I find myself wanting to just give up. I have to remind myself time and again quitting isn’t an option.

      I would love to be able to attend a support group, but right not it isn’t an option, so I’ll make use of the resources I have available. This blog, my therapist, some online forums.
      I have gone through so much of my life knowing there wasn’t going to be anyone there when I needed them… I managed to survive and I will do so again, just because I’m so damn stubborn if for no other reason.

      Warm regards 🙂

      Kira

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