I have been avoiding posting anything too personal for some time. It has been partly out of fear, partly because some of the things are just too personal. Some of the reason is because this is the anniversary of my coming out. I say this week because I cannot remember what day it happened, just that it took place between Christmas and New Years. Everything was such a chaotic mess I don’t think I even knew what day it was from one to the next. What happened really isn’t important any more, but I have been facing this time with more than a little trepidation.
Something which has been bothering me more often than I care to admit is the feeling as if, when all is said and done, nothing has changed. That I am still the same as I have been last year… ten, twenty, even thirty years ago. I know this is impossible of course, we all change, still it often doesn’t feel that way. It is like those times when we still feel as we did as teenagers, then one day you look in the mirror and realize you’ve gotten old and wonder when it happened. The same is true of personal change. Take a minute and listen to a group of teens talking, and after you scoop up your brain and pour it back into your head, realize you use to talk the same way. We all change, like it or not, for better or worse. Nothing stays the same, though too often, when we think of ourselves, how we view ourselves, how we see our own actions, our way of seeing the world, too often we find that we seem to have not changed at all.
These are the kind of thoughts I have been struggling with. I know in my mind I am not the same person I was even a few months ago, but my heart doesn’t believe it.
For several weeks now these things have been going through my mind and I have been fighting against an ever increasing weight of hopelessness. It seemed as though this past year was nothing more than a fever dream, just a product of my imagination. I just couldn’t see for myself what, if anything, had changed. I know part of it has been the fact there has been such a small outward change, my nails, my hair, the clothing I wear. Knowing the way others interact with me hasn’t changed. Only one person who knows me in the real world has used my real name… I know these things are meaningless, they do not affect who I truly am, who I know myself to be. I don’t require the validation of another to know who I am… Yet I crave that validation, that recognition. I desperately want to be seen for who I am and not finding that hurts more than I want to admit even to myself. So many times I have fought back tears of frustration and anger… and yes, sorrow and pain. To hear the old name, the name of an illusion, of a falsehood, being spoken by lips that have professed their love for me, tears something deep inside.
It makes everything feel as if it isn’t real… a dream dreamed in the night and forgotten in the morning. As if it is nothing at all, as if I am nothing. My identity meaningless.
It had lead to me doubting myself, my thoughts and feelings. My very understanding of myself.
As I said, this week marks an important turning point in my life, one which forever changed the course I follow and yet, it also marks a time of loss… That old life is forever beyond my grasp. I will never be that person who existed before one decisive, shattering moment when I finally admitted a truth about myself which is beyond anything i could have ever thought possible.
I am about to turn this into a long post and for that I apologize, now that I have started to talk about this, I can’t stop… not yet.
For the last year I have been struggling with myself… No, not just struggling, I have been at war with myself. Fighting against a lifetime of tying myself into knots trying to be what everyone told I was suppose to be, of ripping myself to pieces fighting against the thoughts and feelings which went against everything I have ever been taught,… had beaten into me mentally, physically, and emotionally by those around me, friends, family, the whole damn world. I was raised to believe everything I have known in my heart to be true was a lie, a sin, that I was an abomination destined for the fires of hell. I was taught that because of my reproductive system I was to be one thing and one thing only and to go against that was one of the worst things I could ever do. I was wrong, I was deceived, I was sick and twisted and warped. This is what I have had to stand against. This is what has reduced me to tears more times that I could ever count. This is what has broken my heart.
I know over this past year I have been seen to be going in circles, to be repeating the same things ever and over again. So many of the things I have posted seem to be saying the same things with different words and I am sorry it has been this way. I am sorry I haven’t been able to show everyone this wonderful, breathtaking journey of self discovery and understanding. I wish with all my heart things could have been different. I wish I could stand here today and show you with pictures and words how I have blossomed into this wonderful, happy woman who stands before the world in a all her glory, proud of who and what she is, walking in the light of day, self assured.
But I can’t.
Even if there weren’t others who would be impacted by such a decision on my part, I cannot say with certainty I would be in such a place. I still have too far to go, still have too many wounds to heal. There are so many years of self deception and lies yet to be overcome. I have walked in the real world as myself. Yes, once, but I have done it. I will do it again. I don’t known when, but I will.
I spoke in the beginning of this post of not seeing how I have changed. On Christmas eve I was fighting with this issue as much as with feeling house bound, so when there was reason to go out to get some things we were low on before all the stores closed, A and I went for a drive. It was a chance for us to talk without the children being within ear shot and it gave me a chance to get these thoughts out. A told me she has seem a difference in me, that despite what I might think, I have changed and it is noticeable. I didn’t ask for any examples, it wasn’t something I really wanted or needed to know… it was enough to know that I have changed, for the better I hope, though I am sure if it wasn’t, she would have told me long before now.
One thing which came out of this was that she still can’t call me Kira… doesn’t know if she ever can… I can’t say this came as a surprise. I have known for a long time now that this was the case…. but I am not going to lie, it hurts me deeply. She is the only person in the world I wish could accept me for who I am and she can’t…. I don’t know where this is going to leave us in the long run and I simply cannot think about it without loosing control of my emotions….
In the end, this may be my greatest fear, that in gaining myself I am going to loose everything which has any meaning in my life. That I will end up alone, with nothing but regrets… I suppose it doesn’t matter, I can’t put the genie back into the bottle. I was set on this course on one fateful night a year ago and nothing I can say or do now can change that.