I had to take a second and add something to todays thoughts.
I know it seems as if much of what I share is dark, full of doubt and self recrimination. That I live under a perpetual cloud… Sometimes I think so myself. The truth is, Much of my thoughts through out the day have little or nothing to do with gender or being Trans*, it is only when I sit down to write a post that I really take the time to consider all of the thoughts and emotions which so often sit below the surface. That isn’t to say I don’t have my times… the days when something really bothers me and I just can’t shake free. I really do have way too many of those and they drive A crazy, especially when I get into a real snit and refuse to talk about what is bothering me for hours on end. She tells me I’m being ‘moody’.
The point I want to make here is, more often than not, once I have written something, a post here or to my journal, then I am able to move beyond it. For me this is a way to deal with issues, big or small. A way for me to get them out of my head when I can’t sit down and talk with someone. Often, once they have been written down I all but forget what it was which was bothering so much and if I want to remember why it was so darned important, I have to go back and read it again. It doesn’t mean all of them just disappear, just that much of the emotion attached to them is blunted and I can deal with it in the background of my thoughts without them dragging me into a downward spiral of ever darker thoughts.
Of course, this makes things look rather bad to those who read all of this and I understand how you must wonder how I keep from putting a gun in my mouth. Well now you know. I talk… and talk and talk some more… or in this case, write. The effect is the same.