I had to take a second and add something to todays thoughts.
I know it seems as if much of what I share is dark, full of doubt and self recrimination. That I live under a perpetual cloud… Sometimes I think so myself. The truth is, Much of my thoughts through out the day have little or nothing to do with gender or being Trans*, it is only when I sit down to write a post that I really take the time to consider all of the thoughts and emotions which so often sit below the surface. That isn’t to say I don’t have my times… the days when something really bothers me and I just can’t shake free. I really do have way too many of those and they drive A crazy, especially when I get into a real snit and refuse to talk about what is bothering me for hours on end. She tells me I’m being ‘moody’.
The point I want to make here is, more often than not, once I have written something, a post here or to my journal, then I am able to move beyond it. For me this is a way to deal with issues, big or small. A way for me to get them out of my head when I can’t sit down and talk with someone. Often, once they have been written down I all but forget what it was which was bothering so much and if I want to remember why it was so darned important, I have to go back and read it again. It doesn’t mean all of them just disappear, just that much of the emotion attached to them is blunted and I can deal with it in the background of my thoughts without them dragging me into a downward spiral of ever darker thoughts.
Of course, this makes things look rather bad to those who read all of this and I understand how you must wonder how I keep from putting a gun in my mouth. Well now you know. I talk… and talk and talk some more… or in this case, write. The effect is the same.
Kira Moore's Closet 
Blog therapy! It’s not as professional, but it certainly is cheaper.
And I can use it every day! 🙂
I’m completely different. I think and think and think some more. Much of my day is consumed by thinking about gender, not just my own, but the very structure and meaning of it. But it is also consumed by analyzing everything else, both my own thoughts and everything going on around me. Systems, structures, the very society we live in. Only a fraction of that makes it on to my blog, and it is usually just a way to organize what I’m thinking about, and put it down in a more productive way. It helps me sort things out.
I use to be the same way until other things came into my life which required me to change. Children have a way of becoming the center of your thoughts and then add in taking care of a household and all that entails.
For me this is a good thing as it gives me other things to think about, other things to worry about. I do still have days when questions about gender, identity and expression consume my thoughts. When the dynamics around me cause me to question and seek deeper answers, but then something happens with one of the kids or A has a bad day and I have to change focus.
Some days I just have to live my life and leave all the other stuff for later which isn’t a bad thing. I can only think and brood so much before it begins to pull me into a place I don’t need to be.
Sometimes it’s necessary to marshal one’s thoughts to be able to make sense of one’s life. Blogging is a good way to ‘think out loud’ in my opinion. I do it all the time! And people can read it, or not, but at least I got it out of my head.
Exactly 🙂
Kira, I wish to offer an observation and I hope you will be able to see that I offer it with my highest respect for you.
While I respect your opinion that blogging is a good way to talk out loud, I also believe, as a female, that it is far from enough. I believe that we females process our emotions quite differently than men and I have had, at least once, to ask a male friend, who had good intentions but no idea how we females process our emotions, to butt out of a “heated” verbal exchange between myself and another female friend. I believe this way of being able to process our emotions instead of stuff them and to be able to do it quite easily and frequently with other females, may explain why we, as a general rule, live longer than men.
I support you in keeping up writing, Kira, which you are so well adept at doing, but I also would like to invite you to consider that by allowing this tendency to express ourselves in this observably “feminine” way, which I have observed in both myself and in other females and which doesn’t require you to take hormones or change your physical appearance or lifestyle in any obvious way, I firmly believe would be a healthy expression of the woman that I know lives in you.
With my profound respect and love, Deanna Joy
Deanna,
I think the operative word here is “female friend”. For the time being, most of my interactions with others have been through working relationships and as one may guess, this is not something which allows me to fully and openly express myself.
In time I hope to build new friendships and relationships which will allow me to more fully express myself and I have been able to sow those seeds. It is going to take time and until then I will use this forum to say the things I can’t say to someone over a cup of coffee.
It isn’t ideal by any means, but it is miles better than not having any outlet at all.
((Hugs))
Kira Moore