Bigender, Children, Cross Dress, Dysphoria, Emotions, Family, Gender, Kira, Life, Memories, Mtf, Pain, Personal, Thoughts, Transgender

The Darker Side Of Me

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I made a point to keep busy today, not giving myself time to do more than think of the next thing I needed to do. It’s funny in a sad way, but the truth is, I have spent so much time living in my own head and now there are times I’m afraid to go there. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprised, I have been told so many time I over think things when I should just let them go and try to live in the moment. It isn’t easy though, when you have been pretty much alone, afraid to tell anyone your true thoughts and feelings, been afraid to let anyone really get close out of fear of being rejected, mocked, abandoned…

The problem is when there is nothing left to do, nothing to keep your mind occupied. What do you do when you are left with nothing but your thoughts? I suppose you do what I have done so many times, you try and find something, anything to fill the quiet; music, a movie or the television. You read a book or go online and find things to read because your terrified of what awaits you in the depths of your own thoughts. When the understanding your alone is a tidal wave rushing in, an unstoppable force which is going to crush you.

I have another week before I see my therapist again, the first session of a new year. Thinking on it, I wish I hadn’t waited as long as I did to start seeing someone… I wish she could have seen me in those first insane days when I thought I was going crazy. I wish she could have seen… could know what it was like. I have spoken of it, even gave her the address of this blog and asked her to read those early posts, even though they begin about a month after I first came out, still, they reflect so much of what I had already been dealing with… I don’t know if she has visited or not, she has never said… I know, despite everything i have already spoken to her about, there is a barrier to fully opening up and letting her, or anyone, see the depths… I am not just afraid of the reaction I might get, I am afraid of myself.

Fear… this is what awaits me in the depths of my thoughts. I am afraid of who I was, of who I had become. I am afraid of who I will become. I am afraid of what this new year is going to bring. So much has happened already, what more do I face in the days and weeks to come? The very thought of it makes me sick to my stomach… I understand when people tell me there is a time when I may have to let everything go in order to find myself, to find a way to live a full life as myself. That in the end, everything I have fought so hard to keep might slip through my fingers anyway. That everything I have done to this point might, in the end, prove to have been pointless, like trying to stop the sands of time even as they slip through my fingers…. Something I have not discussed before is that I lost everything once… my friends, my home, every possession…. at the end, I had nothing left but the clothes on my back… It was when I was in the military, when my life fell apart and I collapsed into a depression I can’t fully describe even all these years later. Life meant nothing, I meant nothing, I could see no future, no way out. So many things were happening at once I just couldn’t deal with them. Someone I thought was a friend totaled my car and left me holding the bag. Two room mates robbed me and left me with nothing but the bills. My job performance had fallen to the point where I was facing loosing rank. I had no one to help me, no where to turn. In the end I went AWOL and ended up living on the streets, living from moment to moment, sleeping where I could, eating from the trash just to keep from starving, though more than once I wondered why the hell I was trying to survive at all. Before it was over, I would take the last of the money I managed to scrape together from one last check which I got because it came out before my pay was frozen, and tried to not only drink myself to death but overdosing on sleeping pills just to make sure I never woke up again…. Yet here i am, all these years later, having somehow survived only to find myself once again facing loosing everything that has ever really mattered to me, and I will not lie, it is a thousand times worse than anything I could have imagined. I risk loosing everything again.

For the moment I can hold things together. For how long? That is the question isn’t it? Is it better to continue to work at maintaining things as they are or should I give up, even knowing it will tear me apart? 

But this isn’t just about me…

A and the kids will see their lives torn apart as well and I have to live with the knowledge it is happing because of me. I have been told by A and T as well as others that it would be better if this happened because then at least I would have a chance at happiness, that they might have a rough time at first, but they would recover and rebuild their lives and this would some how be the best solution, yet I can’t see it being possible. How could I ever be happy knowing what I had done? How could I live with the knowledge that the decisions I made had done so much damage? No, I can’t do it. Yet what choices do I have left to me? I don’t know…

I just don’t know…

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