And A Girl Saw Her Shadow

I did it, I went to my therapy session 100% as myself …

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I got up this morning and began to prepare, shower, shave, clothes, makeup, hair. As each thing was completed, as each task was checked off my list I had a flutter of nervous energy. Each time I thought to myself, “ I am myself,” and took a breath and relaxed. Before I realized, it was almost time to leave.

 I thought things were going a little too well which was proven by a small glitch… my neighbor and a friend were out working in the driveway. I didn’t know how he might react and I was more than a little nervous thinking I was going to have to go to my vehicle which was parked next to where he was standing. As it turned out it wasn’t an issue because just as it was coming to the time I had to leave, he and the friend left. One bullet dodged. Al week I felt  my biggest hurdle was getting out of my neighborhood. There are some real A holes living around here and I can just imagine the crap they would stir up. Thankfully, no one was really out and about so I quickly found myself on the road. Having an almost half hour commute to the therapist office proved to be rather helpful, I quickly realized I was surrounded by people who couldn’t have cared less about me, it helped to put things into perspective. I was just another woman out on her way to somewhere just like countless others. I was able to settle in and enjoy the sunshine and unseasonably warm weather. 

Arriving at the office turned out to be anticlimactic as my therapist was the only person there, an earlier appointment had cancelled. I have to give her credit though, she didn’t bat an eye when she first saw me and simply complimented me on my outfit. Otherwise it was a pretty straight forward session, her only question was how I was feeling with being out, which I told it I was actually quite comfortable, that no matter how I happen to look, male or female, I am still myself… I just have to remind myself of that from time to time.

There was small thing which threw me for a moment though, and it is something I am sure many have had to face at some point, which was using the restroom. Just outside the suite of offices were the typical Mens / Women’s bathrooms and just as I went to cross the hall I heard a door open and someone walking. I’ll admit I panicked for a moment and returned to the office. It took a little talking to get my nerve back and I returned and used the facility, which had two stalls… and yes, I pretty much held my breath and prayed no one came in, which they didn’t. I was amazed how much this messed with my head. After all, I was presenting as female, so why should I feel this way about using the women’s restroom?

The therapy groups office is part of a larger suite of offices used by a bunch of different companies and is kind of spread out. There are number of hallways and though it was the weekend, I knew there was at least one other person in the building. My therapist convinced me to walk around the whole place with her, which was fun because we just walked and commented on the different companies we found. We didn’t run into anyone else but we did find another set of regular restroom and one gender neutral restroom which she didn’t was there. 

I did tell her I was going to be posting about today and would be including pictures. She told me she thought I looked fine and that I seemed natural and relaxed, something I was very thankful for even she was just being kind. I didn’t make a point of getting out into more public places mostly because I was alone and I think the first time I go someplace where I will have to interact with a number of people I will want to have someone with me.

I do have one more thing to talk about, though it maybe the most difficult. 

While getting ready, two of the boys were home, my oldest had left to be with his friends and I was glad for that, but my middle and youngest were there. It was obvious the youngest didn’t understand what was going on nor did he care. But my middle son was another matter altogether. It was clear he was very uncomfortable seeing me and refused to even look at me. A remarked on how much seeing me was bothering him and I agreed. I know this is going to take time. I know I have to take it slow, one small step at a time… but no matter what I know, it still hurts like hell.

31 thoughts on “And A Girl Saw Her Shadow

  1. What a thrill to be 100% yourself. Your average person is so unaware of themselves that they don’t have a clue about what it means to be authentic. Congrats.

  2. I love the colour! ^_^ Hopefully your middle son will learn to understand I know when I reached 9 the rules of gender by society seemed entrenched by that point. Congratulations on finally revealing yourself to your therapist.

  3. You did look very nice, so I don’t think your therapist was just being kind. She saw what we see–a comfortable, confident woman. Even if you don’t feel that way on the inside, you present that way on the outside.

    And try not to let your middle son’s reaction hurt too much. Kids hate change even more than the rest of us, but they learn to adapt. Just do what you’re already doing, and eventually it’ll become normal.

  4. You look great! I knew you could do it! I love that hair color on you. Next time you wear the outfit you could add a slightly chunky amber and coral (of the brown-red more ‘natural’ variety rather than the over-dyed Super Red version) bead necklace with gold spacer beads.

    I’m so proud of you for stepping out as your real self. As for your son? Remember, for children parents aren’t people with their own souls and needs – parents are marionettes with a prescribed script and prescribed actions to perform and any deviation from the “normal” your particular child thinks you should engage in is considered “weird” and viewed poorly. Even older children behave this way. The more normal it is to see you as yourself the less “weirded out” reaction you’ll get.

    1. I like the necklace idea, I was a bit hurried Friday when I was shopping as my time was limited and a necklace completely slipped my mind until after I was home. I have the silver one I wore at Halloween and one with black beads but I didn’t think either of those really went with the outfit.

      With the kids, well, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. Of course, knowing something with your head doesn’t mean your heart is going to listen. I know things will change over time but it breaks my heart to know how much this is upsetting those around me. It doesn’t help much to know this isn’t something I just decided to do but is who I am.

  5. Oh my God Kira, I’ve been waiting for this post ever since you mentioned your intentions, now I just woke up and it was the first thing I read.

    You looked fabulous and I’m sure you kept that beautiful smile on your face all the way there and back. I’m very happy for you and I’m very glad it went like it did, you deserved that time as yourself. I daydream of those first blissfull moments when I could drive at sunset, smille for no apparent reason and feel like I finally fit in this giant puzzle that is the world. I’m very happy for you and thank you for sharing this amazing experience with all of us.

  6. Just reading your post had me on the edge of my seat because it brought back my own early days of coming out just a year ago yet the anxiety I felt back then was probably nothing to compare to your own, especially with regard to your kids. I believe that if you can hold in your heart that the right time will come when you can be as free with your children as you were with yourself today, could make all the difference in bringing that day closer than you might think possible.

  7. I think your outfit works really nicely on you. It’s hard to tell if you’re even wearing makeup (and that’s a good thing). Your cheeks look so flushed in your pics (maybe from blushing), but you look great.

    Glad to hear your time out and about was comfortable and insightful with your therapist. It certainly does hurt like hell in some cases, but the happiness that comes from embracing your self is so much more worth it in the end. I hope you’ll be able to share yourself again very soon.

    ::hugs::

    1. A funny thing about me, any time my blood pressure goes up a little, I look flushed. Use to cause me loads of trouble when dating and more than a little teasing from friends. I think my makeup is so light it lets that natural flush come through which added to the light blush I use makes it stand out. However, I don’t want to go heavier because that looks worse.
      One of the problems with having so much red in my hair. 😛

      1. Oh, that makes sense! Thanks for taking the time to explain. I think we all have something about us that is easily teased. : )

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