Perspective

 

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Today has been one of those days when I wish I could just go to bed, pull the covers over my head and forget the whole thing happened.

However, I can’t do that no matter how much I might want to and honestly, it doesn’t accomplish anything. 

 

I know from personal experience how easy it is to become so wrapped up in the little things, especially when many of them seem to be negative, that we lose site of the bigger picture. In fact I fell into this trap myself again today, but unlike times past, it just took gaining some perspective to realize that others are dealing with issues much bigger, much more immediate, much more life threatening and I doubt they would appreciate or even understand someone throwing a pity party over what is really a lot of pointless crap.

Part of this comes from reading the words of others who are dealing with things I have been fortunate to avoid to this point. The loss of a marriage, of friends and family. The loss of a job or a place to live. Then there is the greatest loss of all, the loss of life.

In the face of such things, I find I can face my own little issues with a clearer perspective. 

A Year And A Day

 

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Somehow I knew I was going to do this, loose track of the time and miss making a proper post marking the one year anniversary of this blog. Well, technically I didn’t because I as I write this my computer tells me it’s Wed Jan 23, but this won’t post until tonight and by then WordPress will insist it was posted on the 24th.

This has been a year I could never have imagined, from simply holding onto my sanity to seeing the real me in a pane of glass to now seeking to understand the path which lies before me. I have gone from not even having a word to describe myself to finding a vibrant and ever changing world in which I do not stand alone. I have found there are many voices, all speaking to a common theme of tolerance and understanding, of seeking to build a world in which we can all live being who we are, loving who we love. We will never see a perfect world, but we can hope to leave behind one better than we entered into.

 

Let me say a big Thank You to everyone who has taken the time to stop by, to simply read or to follow. You have been the stars in my sky which have guided me. It is because of you that I have found the strength and determination of continue when I thought I could go no further.

 

Sincerely,

Kira Anne Moore

The Flames Of Disagreement

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found several writings which, upon reading them have really made me think about things. They are both dealing with the issue of a recent blow up which started with an article written by Suzanne Moore, (no relation), which caused a serious row on twitter and other points online. If you haven’t heard about it, well maybe that is best, but a little searching through WordPress or Google is bound to lead you to it.

The first is here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/19/feminism-trans-women-female-enough

The second: http://supersonicburst.wordpress.com/2013/01/21/suzanne-moore-is-not-the-antichrist-2/

I’m not going to go into my own thoughts about what happened, I think it best if each person takes the time to get the facts and form their own opinions.

The Easy Way Or The Right Way

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to post this today or wait until tomorrow, but either way I needed to get my thoughts down.

There are times in our lives when we must make a decision. We can choose to take the easy way out or we can do what we must, what is right for ourselves and those we care most about.
I have faced two of these decisions over the past days and today as well. The first was to go out and face the world as myself, as I truly am without apology. The second was to talk to my oldest son about what I had done and why.
The first really wasn’t a choice. I did what I did not because I wanted to but because I reached a point in my life where I couldn’t do anything else.
The second was a choice. I thought to take the easy way out and in doing so I was dishonest and unfair to someone who deserves better from me.
Today I did what I could to correct that mistake.
I showed him the pictures I had taken and told him I had gone to my therapy session as he saw me. He asked me why and I tried to explain because it was part of who I am. He couldn’t really understand, so after some thinking I explained it in terms of superheroes who have a secret identity and that seeing me as I stood there, as he has always known me, that is my secret identity. But just like Superman, what he saw in the pictures was my true identity. It didn’t make complete sense to him but now he gets the basic idea. I think this may be the beginning of understanding… at least I hope so.

I told A about what happened when she got home, explaining that I hadn’t felt right excluding him. I don’t want him to learn the truth one day and feel as though I had lied to him.

There are going to be more difficult decisions in my future, I know this. I also know that trying to take the easy way out will only lead to more suffering than doing the right thing to begin with. I have an entire life time as an example.

Looking For Information, A Place To Start

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I was thinking of a different post for today but I happened across this: http://genderintransitionspring2013.wordpress.com/2013/01/21/transgender-or-genderqueer/

I’m not sure if I completely agree, but it gave me a link to the following: http://www.tgender.net/taw/tsins.html

A discussion of Transgender Health Benefits, which I found to be informative.

The best part is there are many links included.

I hope this provides information for those who are looking for answers. Of course this isn’t all there is to know or understand, but it is a place to start.

Riding The Afterglow

Sorry I’m so late in getting this post up. I was away from my computer most of the day and this was the first chance I’ve had to get anything written.

I’m still riding the afterglow of the past several days. I finally feel not just comfortable with myself but a step closer to understanding what it might mean to feel complete.

I showed my pictures to two of people who know and they were very supportive, one even commented on how happy I looked and she’s right, I am happy. That alone has made this experience something I will remember for a long time.

Going shopping alone Friday was so much fun. True, I had to tell a little white lie or two, but even that couldn’t take away the feeling joy at doing such a simple thing for myself. I have to say there was one employee who went out of her way to help me and I truly appreciated it. I also had a chance to interact with two other shoppers who without thinking treated me like one of the girls even though I looked like one of the boys. After I left they may have thought it strange, but I felt wonderful and thankful for the way they made me feel included and welcomed.

As I said, my therapy session went well. I have long wanted to go into a meeting as myself, in looks and voice, to sit there and be seen as who I am. Doing so felt right. I was comfortable in a way I have never been before.
I know who I am, no matter how I may look, but to actually stand up in the world and be seen is more than I ever thought possible.

Speaking of this session… There was a question asked which has never been asked before and I wonder if it was prompted by seeing and talking to me as a reality and not some intellectual possibility. It was, “how long did I think I could maintain things until resentment and anger set in?” I didn’t have answer to that. In fact I hadn’t thought of things in those terms before. This is something I will have to think about. I don’t want it to reach such a point. Well, one day at a time, right? It has gotten me this far, I think it will carry me a little further.

And A Girl Saw Her Shadow

I did it, I went to my therapy session 100% as myself …

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I got up this morning and began to prepare, shower, shave, clothes, makeup, hair. As each thing was completed, as each task was checked off my list I had a flutter of nervous energy. Each time I thought to myself, “ I am myself,” and took a breath and relaxed. Before I realized, it was almost time to leave.

 I thought things were going a little too well which was proven by a small glitch… my neighbor and a friend were out working in the driveway. I didn’t know how he might react and I was more than a little nervous thinking I was going to have to go to my vehicle which was parked next to where he was standing. As it turned out it wasn’t an issue because just as it was coming to the time I had to leave, he and the friend left. One bullet dodged. Al week I felt  my biggest hurdle was getting out of my neighborhood. There are some real A holes living around here and I can just imagine the crap they would stir up. Thankfully, no one was really out and about so I quickly found myself on the road. Having an almost half hour commute to the therapist office proved to be rather helpful, I quickly realized I was surrounded by people who couldn’t have cared less about me, it helped to put things into perspective. I was just another woman out on her way to somewhere just like countless others. I was able to settle in and enjoy the sunshine and unseasonably warm weather. 

Arriving at the office turned out to be anticlimactic as my therapist was the only person there, an earlier appointment had cancelled. I have to give her credit though, she didn’t bat an eye when she first saw me and simply complimented me on my outfit. Otherwise it was a pretty straight forward session, her only question was how I was feeling with being out, which I told it I was actually quite comfortable, that no matter how I happen to look, male or female, I am still myself… I just have to remind myself of that from time to time.

There was small thing which threw me for a moment though, and it is something I am sure many have had to face at some point, which was using the restroom. Just outside the suite of offices were the typical Mens / Women’s bathrooms and just as I went to cross the hall I heard a door open and someone walking. I’ll admit I panicked for a moment and returned to the office. It took a little talking to get my nerve back and I returned and used the facility, which had two stalls… and yes, I pretty much held my breath and prayed no one came in, which they didn’t. I was amazed how much this messed with my head. After all, I was presenting as female, so why should I feel this way about using the women’s restroom?

The therapy groups office is part of a larger suite of offices used by a bunch of different companies and is kind of spread out. There are number of hallways and though it was the weekend, I knew there was at least one other person in the building. My therapist convinced me to walk around the whole place with her, which was fun because we just walked and commented on the different companies we found. We didn’t run into anyone else but we did find another set of regular restroom and one gender neutral restroom which she didn’t was there. 

I did tell her I was going to be posting about today and would be including pictures. She told me she thought I looked fine and that I seemed natural and relaxed, something I was very thankful for even she was just being kind. I didn’t make a point of getting out into more public places mostly because I was alone and I think the first time I go someplace where I will have to interact with a number of people I will want to have someone with me.

I do have one more thing to talk about, though it maybe the most difficult. 

While getting ready, two of the boys were home, my oldest had left to be with his friends and I was glad for that, but my middle and youngest were there. It was obvious the youngest didn’t understand what was going on nor did he care. But my middle son was another matter altogether. It was clear he was very uncomfortable seeing me and refused to even look at me. A remarked on how much seeing me was bothering him and I agreed. I know this is going to take time. I know I have to take it slow, one small step at a time… but no matter what I know, it still hurts like hell.

Shopping Spree (Update)

I found several things today, first this sweater, (the one I got is rust colored but I couldn’t find a picture.)

1120587 Gray Heather

Then a mockneck, in black.

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Then a cute pair of Levi 515 boocut jeans, (although I am going to wear a pair of black jeans), I just couldn’t pass these up.

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I then found a pair of simple magnetic earrings. I haven’t had a chance to get my piercing redone nor to get the second, but I am planning on it in the near future.

I have black shoes and boots, not sure what is going to work best, but I’ll find something I like.

Over all it was a great day and I can’t wait for tomorrow. 🙂

 

Update:

I forgot to add the picture which inspired my choice of outfit for Sat.

Casual