When I first began writing this blog, I did so with the byline “Becoming The Woman I Was Meant To Be”. At the time I felt it reflected how I saw the journey I was on, and I kept it for some time… until my right to use it was challenged. Frankly, at the time I wasn’t inclined to argue the point, I had enough going on in my head I didn’t need the distraction and so I changed it just to avoid the issue. Now I think I made a mistake. I should have fought for my own sense of self, my own understanding of who I was and where I was heading.Not to make any excuses, but this challenge was brought by a Transwoman who was further into her own transition and so on some level I guess I just figured she had a right to call me out. Reading what she had to say left me feeling like a fake, like I was kidding myself when I chose that line. I don’t say this was her intention, but that was the effect. I wasn’t Trans enough to think I was a woman regardless of the body I wore. I wasn’t Trans enough because I was unsure of taking the same steps as her and other Transwomen who I was reading about. I wasn’t Trans enough because I wasn’t willing to sacrifice the things I loved to make myself happier or more comfortable in my own skin. I didn’t feel as if I belonged to the cis world and now I didn’t feel I belonged to the Trans world either. Not that this was anything new. I have never felt I belonged anywhere really. I didn’t belong with the boys because I didn’t feel I was one and I didn’t feel I belonged on the girls side because of the body I was born into. All of my thoughts and interests were geared to “girl” stuff and they didn’t want me either. I didn’t belong with the geeks and I didn’t belong with the jocks, I didn’t belong anywhere.
I have always been at the fringe of the groups of people I found myself surrounded by. I was so self conscience of the fact I simply didn’t see the world they way anyone I knew did. My thoughts were different, my feelings were different. I was different, even when I couldn’t express what that difference was. I became a lone wolf because I couldn’t be anything else. Even when I did find people with whom I felt a connection, I just didn’t have a way of connecting and so I let them drift out of my life.
And now… Now I find I am even more different from those around me than I ever imagined. I have been fortunate enough to find a few people with whom I have been able to share some of my thoughts and feelings, but even with that, I am not as comfortable being myself as I would like. My physical appearance is so much at odds with the way my mind functions, I feel acutely uncomfortable trying to express myself. Not to mention the fact the people I interact with everyday are not Trans and try as they might to be understanding, they just can’t be. Not really. Not through any fault of their own, but just because this is something beyond their experience.
So, what prompted me to write this? A combination of things really. My quest for understanding and reading the stories of others seeking the same. My desire to find answers to questions I haven’t thought to ask yet. My dream of finding the point where I no longer have to ask those questions or find an answer. At least in regards to who I am… I know, everyone is trying for the same thing. Everyone is redefining themselves from one moment to the next, but for most, there are fundamental questions they have no need to ask. A basic understanding of their existence which is as obvious as the the nose on their face. For me things have never been so simple, even when I chose to ignore the ambiguity.