A Need To Let Off Steam… (And Yes, There Will Be Bad Words)

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Of course I wasn’t planning on posting a second time today… in fact I hadn’t planned on being awake at five in the morning either…. But I suppose everything happens for a reason even when I don’t know what the reason might be.

The sad thing is, I should have another therapy session today if everything goes as planned and I was afraid too much time had passed since my “little meltdown” for me to be able to talk about it… guess that isn’t going to be as much of a problem as I thought. Ever since it happened, I have felt a measure of distance from the feelings which had been giving me problems. I accounted it to having been able to release some of the pressure, to forcing myself to admit I have come too far, changed too much to ever return to being the truth denying self hater I once was. Well, I guess I was wrong.

I have been moving through an emotional fog, not really connected with my feelings. I have had more than a little trouble getting my mind back into the right place… some days it seems as if things are happening to someone else and I’m just observing. Maybe I shouldn’t admit it, but it has been sort of nice not having to deal with all the damn questions and emotions. To just glide through the day as if everything is fine and I’m not some inside out freak of nature…. Yeah, I said it. I feel like I am some kind of strange specimen who should be locked away in a place with padded walls and nice men in white suits.

Seriously, why is it one comment, one stupid fucking comment should have me sitting here shaking, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs and the only thing stopping me is the fact I am in a house full of sleeping people? One comment that wasn’t meant to upset me, was just someone trying to be encouraging… and here I am going off on a rant….

Here’s something I don’t think I’ve admitted before, I use to do a lot of things to harm myself. I went out of my way to get injured, a cut here, a sprained this, a broken that. I always accounted it to my temper, which could be terrible at times, but now I wonder… I have broken the bones in my hands punching walls, I have cut myself with a knife. I have  reveled in having physical scars, even tried to make sure even small injuries didn’t heal properly. I have done damage to my muscles and nerves. Now I find I want to do it again…. God, I want to punch something so badly.I want to make myself hurt…

You know one of the reasons I wanted to die? Because I’m convinced I am destined for Hell and I figure there’s no reason to wait. I have felt, since the time I was little, that I deserved eternal punishment even when I couldn’t have listed one sin I had committed. I felt as if God had turned His back on me and I was doomed from the start.

I knew, even as a child why my parents didn’t love me… because I didn’t deserve it. I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t what they wanted. I was nothing but trouble looking for place to happen. I was damaged goods and there wasn’t a return policy.

Now look at me…. I have proven them right in ways they never dreamed. When my mother found out A and I were going to have our first child she looked me right in the face and told me “I don’t think you’ll make a good Father.” Now I see that she was right… I’m not a good Father, hell, I’m not really a Father at all, am I? No, I’m just some posier who is going to ruin these kids lives because I am what they thought…. DAMAGED GOODS.

I have made sure A’s life is going to be a mess no matter what happens. Even if I never take another step down this damnable rabbit hole, I have assured she will never be able to see herself as being married to man. We both know better. I’m sure that had to make her question herself countless times, wondering at her own ability to judge someone. She has had to wonder just what the hell she was thinking when she agreed to marry me in the first place and I am also sure, if she could go back and do it all again, she sure as hell wouldn’t have met me in the first place.

So help me, if I thought for one moment it would do any good, I would finish what I started all those years ago and saved a lot of people a lot of heartache.

Yeah, I’m being self indulgent here, I’m a one woman pity party and you know what? Right now I just don’t care. I’ll admit that at this moment I hate myself beyond words. I hate myself.. hate… Hate… HATE.

I’m not going to ask, why me? because I know there isn’t going to be a better answer than I got from a teacher when I scribbled that question on a paper in high school… “Why not?”

Why not indeed. The universe has already pulled it’s biggest joke on me and now it can just sit back and watch the fun.

I’m stuck with a totally fucked up brain in a body which drives me insane more often than I would like to admit. I know there are people who wonder at why I don’t just give up and go full time….

Because I just can’t bring myself to doing something I see as completely selfish. I could never live with myself, and I sure as hell couldn’t be happy knowing what I had done.

Yes, If I could turn back the hands of time and go back to being that child looking in the mirror and seeing my true self for the first time, if I could go back and begin my life from that point being in real life who I would become in my dreams and fantasies, I would do so in a heartbeat and never look back. I would do it even if meant my life. I would do it not matter what the cost because I now now all too well just what doing otherwise has cost me and people who never should have been involved in this fucking mess to begin with.

You know, I have lost count of the times my mind has gone back and thought of what life might have been like if I could have come out sooner? If I could have just quit being such a coward and been honest with myself when I was in my teens or twenties?

Yep, I know, more pointless bullshit. I can’t go back. I cannot undo what is done. I need to get my head out of my ass and get on with living in the now, right? I have told myself the same thing a hundred thousand times and more. I wake up chanting it to myself.n But I still think these things, I still wonder, wish, hope, dream…

And I still find myself right here…

Time and again, telling myself this is the life I chose.  This is the bed I made and I had better get use to sleeping in it. I tell myself I am where I am because this is where I am suppose to be. I tell myself I can handle whatever comes up, in the world or in my head. I can do this because I have no choice. Though I do have a choice of course, there is always a choice weather we want to see it, or not, want to take the path offered.

I know I could just walk away, I could decide I had to live a life I have only thought about or I could pull the plug and take all the other choices away. In the end it is up to me isn’t it?

Okay, I’m going to end this here. I could go on, but I think I have said too much already.

25 thoughts on “A Need To Let Off Steam… (And Yes, There Will Be Bad Words)

      1. Hope your session goes well. Kate is a famous well know tranny (a personal friend of mine) who did the keynote speech at her alma mater, Columbia U, a couple years ago. She’s been on Broadway and travels all over lecturing to college students and anyone who will have her on issues that you’ve written about today. She’s a loving and supportive voice. You will discover when you visit her site that she is also been recently diagnosed with lung cancer and is working through that one, admirably with her partner. Best to you, friend. Paulette

  1. like constant rain
    that falls onto
    the surface of a pond
    obscuring the reflections dwelling there
    just so ~ preponderance of thought
    lends not a further clarity
    nor floods of reason
    rid a soul of care.

  2. There’s so many things to say-but I gather, you just needed to rant. Just let it out sometimes. What a great way to do it, when you can’t scream out, is on your blog. You are strong. You are amazing. Life throws us curve balls and we have to jump high to catch them. You are loved.

  3. ((Hugs)) I hate it when you beat yourself up so badly, metaphorically speaking. But I’m also get where you’re coming from right now. Just know that you’ll get through this eventually.

    1. There were a number of things which hit me all at once and I really don’t do well when it happens. I let my therapist read it and we discussed some of the things I wrote about which helped but also showed I have a lot to work on yet.
      A also read it, though she hasn’t said anything. I know she is giving me space to work through everything. She did me shopping yesterday which was really nice. Found two more mock necks to add to my collection. 🙂
      Tonight has been better, not great, but better and I know enough to take what I can. I know there will be days like this just as I know I have a place to get it out of my head and so many wonderful people like yourself who are watching out for me.

      Thank you so much!

      Kira

  4. While I share the sentiment of purplemary54 about not wanting to see you being so hard on yourself, I have finally learned to take ownership of that feeling as having nothing to do with you being so hard on yourself but of the fact that I am often too hard on myself. One thing I might offer as a caveat is that I believe as long as you take responsibility for how A is feeling by your choices, you deny her right to accept responsibility for her own choices of how she should feel. That may sound a bit convoluted but so often does the wisdom of the sages sound as much. Be well, Kira

    1. I know in my mind I can only take responsibility for my own actions, but knowing it doesn’t change how I feel sometimes. Why? Because I understand no one lives in a vacuum,what I do will have an affect on those around me just as what they do has one on me.
      Another thing to remember, which is not an excuse but an explanation, is that throughout my life I have keenly felt the emotions of those around me. It’s something I developed in response to a very volatile home life. The downside was my mother was very aware of this and used it against me, making me feel as if her “bad moods” were directly related to my actions and words.
      It doesn’t matter if I know she did this as a way to manipulate me or not or if I understand in my head this isn’t true. This was imprinted at an early age and I have lived with it for most of my life. It is just recently I came to understand what happened and it isn’t something about myself I can change in the blink of an eye.
      This is an ongoing process, I am better able to deal with this now than I was a year ago and I will be better a year from now.

  5. If you haven’t seen her videos before, I highly recommend you watch Brene Brown’s TEDtalk videos on Vulnerability and Shame. They were and are a great source of comfort and great advice for me.

    You are no different from anyone else in that you deserve a chance to be happy.

  6. I haven’t read you for a while…this post made me fog up because I can identify so strongly with so many of your feelings. I hope that all is brighter today.

    Bisous,
    Dawn

    1. I am doing better, still have plenty of soul searching to do and answers to uncover, but that’s all part of the journey.

      ((Hugs))

      Kira

  7. Kira, I can feel your pain, sometimes I fumble my way thru my own fog. With my emotions on a rollercoaster. It is difficult at best, just hang in there, and I wish you all the best. Take care, Bill

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