More Questions Than Answers

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I’m still trying to work through my feelings following todays session. I’m not sure what to think at this point. There were many more questions and I simply didn’t have answers.

We went over a quite a bit of ground, some old, some new and how they connected. My marriage, the kids, my family, past relationships and what I felt I was looking for in them. We spoke of my childhood crushes and my religious feelings. We spoke of all my ups and downs, my inability to find a solid middle ground.  We talked about love and what I thought about it. It’s hard to believe we did so much talking in an hour and a half…

We talked about music and the songs I grew up feeling represented the sort of relationship I wanted deep in my heart… I told her of crying myself to sleep listening to “Talk To Me” by Stevie Nicks and “We Belong” by Pat Benatar… Yes, I realize I am dating myself, but these were popular in my late teens. There were others of course, but these two songs came to mind first.

I told her my thoughts on HRT and how hard it was to know it was something which really wasn’t an option because of the health risks… Just another gift from the past. I will say this, the same as I told her, this is something I think about often in regards to how it would bring me closer to feeling “correct”, how others have spoken of how it brought their thoughts more into line with how they saw themselves. I don’t care as much about the physical changes, though they would be welcome.

We talked about my thoughts on living full time. The question was how I felt when indulging in these daydreams and I answered, inside I felt much the same, the difference was I feel I am finally presenting to the world as myself. The outside matching the inside.

This is something I have struggled to express here in writing. This desire, this longing, to be seen and accepted as myself, without deception, without acting a part I have read but cannot fully understand. 

I walk through the world too often feeling like a ghost.

I don’t feel as if people are speaking to me, interacting with me… No, they only see “him”, only speak to “him”, and interact with “him”. I am lost in the illusion I have created. True, “he” and I are one and the same in so many ways, yet “he” is a creation of my mind, while I remain trapped in heart and soul.

I don’t expect anyone to understand the difference. For so many of you these things are one and the same. To look into the mirror is to see yourself. To look into your own eyes is to meet a trusted friend…

I wish I knew what such a moment felt like.

4 thoughts on “More Questions Than Answers

  1. I’m glad to hear that your talking about how everything connects with your therapist. And that you seem a little more settled. Remember the epiphanies you’ve had about still being yourself on the inside, in spite of what’s on the outside. Even though that feeling probably seems really far away right now, it’s just right around the corner.

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