“Becoming The Woman I Was Meant To Be”

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When I first began writing this blog, I did so with the byline “Becoming The Woman I Was Meant To Be”. At the time I felt it reflected how I saw the journey I was on, and I kept it for some time… until my right to use it was challenged. Frankly, at the time I wasn’t inclined to argue the point, I had enough going on in my head I didn’t need the distraction and so I changed it just to avoid the issue. Now I think I made a mistake. I should have fought for my own sense of self, my own understanding of who I was and where I was heading.Not to make any excuses, but this challenge was brought by a Transwoman who was further into her own transition and so on some level I guess I just figured she had a right to call me out. Reading what she had to say left me feeling like a fake, like I was kidding myself when I chose that line. I don’t say this was her intention, but that was the effect. I wasn’t Trans enough to think I was a woman regardless of the body I wore. I wasn’t Trans enough because I was unsure of taking the same steps as her and other Transwomen who I was reading about. I wasn’t Trans enough because I wasn’t willing to sacrifice the things I loved to make myself happier or more comfortable in my own skin. I didn’t feel as if I belonged to the cis world and now I didn’t feel I belonged to the Trans world either. Not that this was anything new. I have never felt I belonged anywhere really. I didn’t belong with the boys because I didn’t feel I was one and I didn’t feel I belonged on the girls side because of the body I was born into. All of my thoughts and interests were geared to “girl” stuff and they didn’t want me either. I didn’t belong with the geeks and I didn’t belong with the jocks, I didn’t belong anywhere.

I have always been at the fringe of the groups of people I found myself surrounded by. I was so self conscience of the fact I simply didn’t see the world they way anyone I knew did. My thoughts were different, my feelings were different. I was different, even when I couldn’t express what that difference was. I became a lone wolf because I couldn’t be anything else. Even when I did find people with whom I felt a connection, I just didn’t have a way of connecting and so I let them drift out of my life.

And now… Now I find I am even more different from those around me than I ever imagined. I have been fortunate enough to find a few people with whom I have been able to share some of my thoughts and feelings, but even with that, I am not as comfortable being myself as I would like. My physical appearance is so much at odds with the way my mind functions, I feel acutely uncomfortable trying to express myself. Not to mention the fact the people I interact with everyday are not Trans and try as they might to be understanding, they just can’t be. Not really. Not through any fault of their own, but just because this is something beyond their experience.

So, what prompted me to write this? A combination of things really. My quest for understanding and reading the stories of others seeking the same. My desire to find answers to questions I haven’t thought to ask yet. My dream of finding the point where I no longer have to ask those questions or find an answer. At least in regards to who I am… I know, everyone is trying for the same thing. Everyone is redefining themselves from one moment to the next, but for most, there are fundamental questions they have no need to ask. A basic understanding of their existence which is as obvious as the the nose on their face. For me things have never been so simple, even when I chose to ignore the ambiguity.

26 thoughts on ““Becoming The Woman I Was Meant To Be”

  1. As long as you remain true to yourself, seeking a deeper understanding of yourself as an individual – not so much as a “woman” or “trans-” – is hardly something to feel as though you are odd for doing so. That is so much more important in my opinion. In the midst of our differences from those around us lies something unique and meaningful, even if we have trouble fitting into where we feel we belong. So whether you use the tagline or not, remember who you are (or the identity you are pursuing) the only way you can. Do that, and you can defend any sense of inadequacy thrown your way.

    Much love~

  2. I think you should reclaim your byline if you want to, period. You do not have to fit into anyone’s description of Trans, anyone description of woman of anything! We are all so individual, people want to cram us into their definitions. Be exactly who you are. Nobody has the right to define you. Be undefinable! Be Kira!
    ♥°*”˜ƸӜƷ˜”*°♥

  3. My Sweet Mariposa~ ♥°*”˜ƸӜƷ˜”*°♥
    I was thinking to share this story with you. You may already be familiar with it.

    The story of the butterfly

    A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.
    One day a small opening appeared.
    He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours
    as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole.
    Then it stopped, as if it couldn’t go further.

    So the man decided to help the butterfly.
    He took a pair of scissors and
    snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon.
    The butterfly emerged easily but
    it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.

    The man continued to watch it,
    expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge
    and expand enough to support the body,
    Neither happened!
    In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life
    crawling around.
    It was never able to fly.

    What the man in his kindness
    and haste did not understand:
    The restricting cocoon and the struggle
    required by the butterfly to get through the opening
    was a way of forcing the fluid from the body
    into the wings so that it would be ready
    for flight once that was achieved.

    Sometimes struggles are exactly
    what we need in our lives.
    Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.
    We will not be as strong as we could have been
    and we would never fly.

    So have a nice day and struggle a little and teach well.

    1. Dearest Deanna,

      I worried about how you might react when reading this post. Please know there is no forgiveness to seek, it was granted long ago.

      I wrote this to take responsibility for my decisions, not to pass judgement on you or anyone else. What I did then, as now, was and is my own doing. I made decisions for the wrong reasons, choosing to go against my heart to please others, telling myself that they knew better than I what was correct. I can’t do so any more and feel I am being true to who I am. I understand there will be those who believe I am wrong, those who, looking in from the outside, will see things differently. After all, how many people have looked at me and seen only this flesh and not what lies beneath?

      They cannot change who I am, no matter how hard they try. Only I can do so and only if I am willing to be honest with myself. I think I can speak to the consequences of trying to live a lie.

      So you see, this isn’t about any one person or comment or opinion, but about something I have never had the strength to do before… to follow a simple piece of advice, “Unto thine own self be true.”

      Be at peace, Deanna, you are a voice I am happy to hear when the silence becomes too loud in my ears. You are, and will be, welcome here.

      With warmest regards,

      Kira

      1. I have been waiting for this day to come ever since you changed your by-line and it brings tears of joy to see you speaking your truth once again. You honor me so much by your words of kindness and for knowing that you still hold me in such warm regard in your heart, my dear, sweet Kira.
        Are you going to update your Gravatar?
        Deanna Joy

      2. I might if I can take a better picture! I’ve been toying with the idea of getting a makeover just to take some more photos, I figure I can say I lost a bet to my wife. 😉

        And of course I’d have to get new hair, closer to my natural color… I’d want to make a good impression, LOL!

  4. I read this and autotmatically had to click “follow” , It is funny, age is just a number when we talk about our feelings. I may be generations older than you and yet, I soooo GET what you are talking of. On So many levels.
    Thank you for visiting my blog and liking my writing.
    I think that those connect, are drawn to each other. Like divine appointments. We were meant to meet.

  5. Funny, I thought you were much younger… I guess, by the avitar…But now that I have read your ABOUT (which is what you ask us to do in the beginning, ~ sorry I missed that one.) I finally took the time to read more of this blog. And yet… I still feel the same. I think that those who connect, are meant to meet. Because our hearts know no age, gender, race or judgment. Funny how that happens cyberly. You are an excellent writer. I love your heart.

    1. I wanted to reply earlier, but my WP app decided not to cooperate… 😦

      First I want to say thank you for following and reading my blog and I look forward to reading more of your writing as well.

      I’ve been thinking of using a different avatar, or maybe a picture of myself if I can ever take one I like! 🙂
      The one I’m using now, I think it represented the dream I was following, something which seemed impossible to achieve. Now I know it is possible and so I want to my avatar to reflect that. We’ll see.

      I think your right in like minded people being able to find others with whom there is a connection. Such friendships can be a truly wonderful source of inspiration and support.

      Again, thank you for your kind words,

      Kira

  6. Kira, the depth and sincerity of your post moved me to tears. As you know, I share a lot of myself in my work; and I know how vulnerable it can make us feel to open up our hearts and minds to others so freely. Thank you for writing and sharing this post. Your beauty, strength, and wisdom are simultaneously obvious and inspirational.
    Namaste, Sloan

    1. Sloan, Thank you. It always touches and amazes me to know I, in some small way, can touch others. I am such a small voice in this world, I never imagined it was possible. Comments like yours reminds me I can make a difference and that gives me the strength to continue writing and sharing.

      It is easy to forget the truth of words having power. Again, thank you for reminding me.

      Kira

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