Where Do I Go From Here?

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I have therapy scheduled for tomorrow. The most pressing thing is going to be discussing dealing with my depression. As much as I had hoped therapy alone would help, my last episode tells me I need to look at other options. After this weekend I’ll talk with A to see what sort of time frame we can work with so I can speak with our family doctor as well. I’m not sure what options I will have, but at this point anything will be better than doing nothing.

There are other things I would like to talk to her about as well if I have the time…

In the beginning, the thought of going out presenting as female was more than I could imagine. The very idea was terrifying, but as time as passed, even with my limited time being out, I have found the opposite is becoming true, that having to go out presenting as male is causing a low level, but growing level of anxiety, beyond even what I have experienced in social situations in the past. Even having to go to the store is a growing source of discomfort, and interacting with those around me is becoming more difficult. This has left me with a feeling of, not so much unhappiness, but of a deep sadness. 

I’m also feeling directionless and aimless. For a long time I was driven by my need to understand and then in not going crazy as I sorted through all of the thoughts and emotions which consumed every waking moment. Since things have settled down, at least in so far as my view of myself is concerned, I find myself at a loss as to where I need to go next and what’s needed to get there. Some days I think it is just a matter of moving past what I see of myself on the outside and concentrating on the inside, but I cannot really pin down how much more I can do. Other times I think doing something on the HRT side of things might be something I need to consider, at least to the point of looking into T blockers. This is a very serious issue because from what I have read, there are health risks which, when combined with my medical history, might make this too dangerous for me to qualify. Right now such concerns are just possibilities, I’m not sure what I will do if they are confirmed. None the less, I just can’t keep from thinking this is the next step I might find myself taking. To be honest, it leaves me feeling cold in the pit of my stomach…

10 thoughts on “Where Do I Go From Here?

  1. I wouldn’t rule out some sort of medication but I hope you can hold off and try to address the issues first with the therapist. It is understandably tough for you right now. You’ve got to be who you are and you’ve got to find a place where it is OK and comfortable to be who you are. That matters for everyone.

    It is possible that your depression is physical in some way and your situation is amplifying that. I have a natural level of anxiety and my doctor recommended therapy to exorcise any demons because real personal hangups can cause the incurable anxiety I’m stuck with to snowball. Changing my diet helped a lot as did getting certain people out of my life. What is left is a little Xanax once in a while.

    Make it so your therapist is a partner and guide in working out a good solution for you, like a friend who you confide in so they can help you be where you want to be. Sometimes the hardest thing in life is just figuring out what you really want, what your bliss is. It is one thing to run away from what you don’t like and quite another to run toward what you do want. As you “run” I’m rooting for you as I’m sure everyone who clicked like is as well. I wish you luck and feel confident you will sort this out.

    1. Thank you.

      Therapy has helped with working through many things, but there are times when the depression comes seemingly from no where and coping skills I have learned have little to no effect. Several years ago I tried an herbal remedy which helped with it, but unfortunately, I suffered from some of the “possible” side effects and to stop taking it. That experience suggests there is something chemical which needs to be addressed, but since I’m not a doctor, I think it best to speak with one and see what he has to say to know for sure. This is something I should have done a long time ago, but I made the mistake of thinking I could deal with everything on my own. Now I understand it is going to take a balanced approach of therapy and medicine to allow me to be free of this once and for all.

  2. Keep going, Kira! I know you’ve explored hormone therapy before, and another look won’t hurt, after all, it’s just a look. It is unfortunate that you may have medical reasons that preclude the safest scenario for hormone therapy, but ever since you mentioned it, I have always wondered about it for you.
    It has helped many men and women, including myself. I’d probably be a pile of broken bones by now.
    It is a choice to be made fully informed, and thought out fully in mind and heart, but I’m telling you what you already know. You also know…. I’m for you!!

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